| The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener
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| Tapped Out Quest Information
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The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener is a premium questline in The Simpsons: Tapped Out. It was introduced in the Secret Agents content update. It requires Hank Scorpio to be obtained.
Dialogue[edit]
| After tapping on Hank Scorpio's exclamation mark
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Sometimes I wonder if the life of an international crime lord is paying off.
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How different would it have been if I'd become a teacher? Or a mailman?
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Or is it mailperson now? Does it count if it isn't a male person that's the mailperson?
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Another mystery to ponder and now's as good a time as any.
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It'll be weeks before the contractors fix the climate control in our arctic base and we can get back to work.
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Another dilemma -- Fahrenheit or Celsius? Been a Fahrenheit man all my life. Is it too late to change?
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| Task: "Make Hank Scorpio Start a New Business". The job takes place at the Volcano Lair and takes 8 hours.
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Quest reward:  100 and  10
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| After tapping on Hank Scorpio's exclamation mark
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Starting a legitimate business is more complicated than I thought.
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All these regulations, taxes, and hidden surcharges... they scramble my brain. And not the good scramble like how 5th Street Café is actually on 3rd. I don't get it, but I don't need to.
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Maybe in the dynamic world of convenient fast food I should start at the bottom and work my way up.
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I wonder who I have to assassinate to get a management position?
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| Task: "Make Hank Scorpio Look for Work". The job takes place at a Kwik-E-Mart and takes 60 minutes.
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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| After tapping on Apu's exclamation mark
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Welcome to your first day at the Kwik-E-Mart, Mister Scorpio.
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It's great to be part of the Kwik-E-Mart family.
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And like family you will work from eight to midnight, be responsible for cleanup, stocking, pricing, security, cleanup again, and Squishee syrup mixing. Bring your own mixing paddle.
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You get one half day off every two weeks, free medical from the First-Aid kit in the back, and a full compliment of benefits.
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Benefits are not complimentary. All of your salary goes to pay for them.
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| Task: "Make Hank Scorpio Train at the Kwik-E-Mart". The job takes place at a Kwik-E-Mart and takes 12 hours.
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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| After tapping on Hank Scorpio's exclamation mark
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There are so many health and safety violations here...
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I've taken Jailbird's gunfire trying to protect spicy meat snacks. They're good but not bullet in the shoulder good.
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I can't let it get me down. What I need is a job in a professional field.
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Something that puts me in touch with real people, with real hopes and dreams!
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| Task: "Make Hank Scorpio Become a Wall Street Robber Baron". The job takes place at the Volcano Lair and takes 4 hours.
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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| After tapping on Hank Scorpio's exclamation mark
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What have I done?! Wall Street is more horrifying than I could have imagined!
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Such ruthlessness. Such heartless, selfish cruelty.
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And that's just trying to get to the microwave in the lunch room.
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I think it's time to get back to honest, productive work where I can make a real difference in the world.
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| Task: "Make Hank Scorpio Deliver Ultimatum to G8 Nations". The job takes place at the Town Hall and takes 60 minutes.
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| Quest reward: 200 and 20
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