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Difference between revisions of "User:Abbot/test"

Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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{{TabQ|gags=yes}}
 
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{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)|Radioactive Man}}
+
{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Summer of 4 Ft. 2|You Only Move Twice}}
  
:'''Willie:''' It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingerrrs. Look at 'em! ''[holds them up]'' I got it from ''{{w|Space Invaders}}'' in 1977.
+
:''(Talking to Lisa in "The Genesis Tub")''
:'''Wiggum:''' Aw, yeah. That was a pretty addictive video game.
+
:'''[[Bart]]''': Hey what is this goo? Are you trying to build a friend?
:'''Willie:''' ''[surprised]'' Video game?
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Kent Brockman''': Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. [scene shows Burns being loaded into an ambulance] At 3:00 p.m. Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at town hall. [still shots of Burns and town hall] Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. ''[scene shows Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital]'' He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to "alive". ''[scene shows Springfield General Hospital]'' Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum.
+
:''(From "The Genesis Tub")''
:'''Wiggum:''' ''[eating an ice cream]'' Oh. Oh, hiya, Kent. Ahem. Uh, right now, we are questioning two witnesses who were in the vicinity at the time.
+
:'''[[Principal Skinner]]''': This mini universe you've created is even more impressive then Martin's milk carton ukulele.
''[scene shows Lou holding a photo of Smithers at someone]''
+
:''(Shot of Martin in the background in a grass skirt playing the ukulele.)''
:'''Lou:''' Did you see this guy? Was he anywhere near the parking lot when Burns got shot?
 
''[camera shows Maggie and SLH being questioned]''
 
:'''Eddie:''' No, it's no use. They ain't talking.
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Lisa:''' Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns, even us. ''[everyone groans in agreement]'' Bart, he broke your dog's legs. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad—well, you kind of went berserk when he couldn't remember your name.
+
:''(From "The Thing and I")''
:'''Bart:''' Aren't we forgetting someone...Sister Suspect?
+
:'''[[Dr. Hibbert]]''': That means the evil twin is and always has been...Bart.
:'''Lisa:''' ''[chuckling sheepishly]'' I was just getting to me. Because of Mr. Burns, they canceled my jazz program, and my friend Tito Puente got fired...but I could never shoot someone.
+
:''(They all turn around and stare at Bart.)''
:'''Bart:''' Could so.
+
:'''Bart''': Oh, don't look so shocked.
:'''Lisa:''' Could not.
 
:'''Bart:''' Could so.
 
:'''Lisa:''' Could not.
 
:'''Bart:''' Could so!
 
:'''Lisa:''' Could not!
 
:'''Homer:''' ''[interrupting]'' Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.
 
:'''Marge:''' The police already have a suspect: it's Mr. Smithers.
 
''[everyone talks about how plausible that is]''
 
:'''Abe:''' Yeah, Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. ''[leaves]''
 
:'''Lisa:''' We don't have an outhouse.
 
:'''Homer:''' ''[gasps]'' My toolshed! Oh, Dad...
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Moe:''' Hey, Homer: us hotheads here is going to go tear down Burns' sun-blocking machine. You want to come with?
+
:'''[[Kodos]]''': (as Clinton) We must go forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.
:'''Homer:''' Sure. I've had it up to here with these damn rickets! ''[waddles toward tow truck]''
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Smithers:''' Mmm...this guilt is driving me mad! I've got to tell someone. ''[walks into a church and goes to the confession booth]'' Father, I'm not a Catholic, but...well, I tried to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade. But anyway, I've got a...rather large sin to confess. ''[sniffles]'' I'm the one who...shot Mr. Burns!
+
:'''Kodos''': It's a two party system! You have to vote for one of us!
:'''Wiggum:''' [pokes head out, cocks gun] That's all I needed to hear! Boy, this thing works great.
+
:'''Man''': He's right, this is a two-party system.
 +
:'''Man 2''': Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.
 +
:'''Kang''': Go ahead, throw your vote away.
 
----
 
----
:'''Smithers:''' The man became consumed by greed. He'd steal from anyone!
+
:'''[[Homer]]''': Ah… The old fishin' hole. So peaceful and relaxing, doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish… come on, you stupid fish! Take the bait! Don't make me come down there!!!
''[flashback to first part]''
 
:'''Smithers:''' This isn't a rival company you're battling with, it's a school. People won't stand for it.
 
:'''Burns:''' Pish posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby! Say, that sounds like a larf.
 
''[back to the current time]''
 
:'''Smithers:''' And when he tried to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Shutton:''' Uh, Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper. Who are you? Where are you going?
+
:'''Leader''': Welcome to our world, most gracious Lisa.
:'''Kent:''' Oh, do your research, Shutton! Uh, Kent Brockman, Channel Six News. How does it feel to be accused of the attempted murder of your boss and mentor?
+
:'''[[Lisa]]''': Your world is incredible. And you speak English.
:'''Smithers:''' Kent, I...I feel about as low as Madonna when she found out she missed Tailhook.
+
:'''Leader''': We have listened to you speak since the dawn of time, O Creator. And we have learned to imatoot you exarktly.
:'''Kent:''' Oh. I'm going to say "Ouch" for Madonna!
 
:'''Krusty:''' ''[watching on TV]'' Hey! That's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag!
 
:'''Sideshow Mel:''' And you stole it from last Friday's episode of "Pardon My Zinger".
 
:'''Krusty:''' Stole, made up, what's the difference?
 
:'''Sideshow Mel:''' Mr. Smithers must have seen that program too! He never misses it. ''[puffs pipe]'' Hmm...at the town meeting, he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that, as it seemed quite unusual. Ye Gods! To the police station, Krusty.
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Sideshow Mel:''' I am Melvin van Horne. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.
+
:'''Homer''': We think we saw Hugo at the airport; he was boarding a plane to Switzerland and… (sees Hugo) Oh.
:'''Krusty:''' Hey hey.
 
:'''Sideshow Mel:''' Officers: you have arrested an innocent man.
 
:'''Wiggum:''' Really?
 
:'''Sideshow Mel:''' Mr. Burns was shot Friday at 3 p.m., the very time that Smithers was at home watching "Pardon My Zinger". So you see, he couldn't have done it.
 
:'''Smithers:''' ''[gasps]'' Yes, you're right! I remember now, I watched that entire show. In fact
 
''[flash to shot of Smithers's feet weaving down sidewalk]''
 
:'''Smithers:''' ''[voice-over]'' I left the town meeting early so I could get home in time. ''[in a flashback]'' ''[slurred]'' Ohh, I've got to run or I'll miss the opening rank-out. [a shadow approaches in front] Get of my way, please.
 
:'''Jasper:''' Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walking, not for fancy walking.
 
:'''Smithers:''' Get out of my way, I'm in a hurry.
 
:'''Jasper:''' You simmer down, I'll let you go. ''[Smithers pulls a gun, shoots]''
 
''[back to the current time]''
 
:'''Smithers:''' So...instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse!
 
:'''Krusty:''' About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean! ''[makes electrocuting sound effects]''
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Jasper:''' You shot who in the what, now?
+
:'''Lisa''': What's up there?
 +
:'''Bart''': Is it a monster?
 +
:'''Lisa''': We have to know.
 +
:'''Bart''': Tell us what's the secret.
 +
:'''Homer''': No more questions. I work my butt off to feed you four kids and all you do is--
 +
:''(Marge stares at Homer.)''
 +
:'''Homer''': What?
 +
:'''[[Marge]]''': Three, we have three children!
 +
:'''Homer''': Yeah, three nosy kids. And you know what happens to nosy kids who ask too many questions?
 +
:'''Bart/Lisa''': (talking quickly) No, what? Does something happen? Does something happen to nosy kids who ask questions? What happens?
 
----
 
----
:'''Kent Brockman:''' And with the prime suspect cleared and found completely innocent, we must now ask ourselves: who could possibly be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers?
+
:'''Kent''': Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?
:'''Marge:''' I guess it's never the most likely suspect.
+
:'''Kang''': (as Dole) It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed. DOOMED!
:'''Lisa:''' Actually, Mom, in 95% of cases, it is. The rest of the time, it's usually some deranged lunatic who did it for no reason.
+
:'''[[Kent]]''': Well, a refreshingly frank response there from senator Bob Dole.
''[everyone looks at Homer]''
 
:'''Homer:''' Hey! I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name.
 
''[flashback to part one]''
 
:'''Burns:''' Who the devil are you?
 
:'''Homer:''' ''[loses it, rushes Burns]'' Homer Simpson!
 
:'''Burns:''' You're just babbling incoherently.
 
:'''Homer:''' My name is Homer Simpson...
 
''[back to the current time]''
 
:'''Lisa:''' Well I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder.
 
:'''Abe:''' Eh...you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.
 
:'''Lisa:''' Nancy Drew says that all you need to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an
 
inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this.
 
:'''Marge:''' Mmmmm...I think you're a little young to be investigating an attempted murder. Why don't you try to solve the mystery of who put that mud in the freezer?
 
:'''Bart:''' Who wants chocolate ice cream?
 
:'''Homer:''' Me, me, me!
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Wiggum:''' OK, boys, we've got a clue: the bullet they took out of Burns. Now, let's discuss the, um...''[picks up an Agatha Christie book]'' mo-tive.
+
:'''Homer''': Oh my God, space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!
:'''Lisa:''' Mr. Burns is the richest man in town. Maybe it's about money.
 
:'''Wiggum:''' That's some good thinkin', Lou.
 
:'''Lou:''' Aw, thanks, Chief.
 
:'''Lisa:''' ''[below desk level]'' Hey! I said that. My name is Lisa Simpson and I made a chart of all the suspects in the Burns case. Look! [holds up a card] Mr. Burns hurt all these people financially. Nightclub owner Moe Szyslak: his bar was closed because of Burns' negligence. Liquor connoisseur Barney Gumbel: when Moe's closed, Barney lost his only means of support—sucking coins out of the Love Tester machine. Dedicated educator Principal Seymour Skinner: his school lost millions when Burns pirated its oil well. And grounds tender Groundskeeper Willy: he lost his job and his dream of owning a fine crystal slop bucket.
 
:'''Wiggum:''' Hey, what about that jazz teacher that got laid off? You know, uh, Mr. Samba? Senor Mambo? What was it?
 
:'''Lisa:''' Tito Puente?
 
:'''Wiggum:''' Yeah.
 
:'''Lisa:''' Well, he did vow revenge, heh heh. [pause] But I can't see him doing something illegal. He's in show business, he's a celebrity....
 
:'''Wiggum:''' Let's roll, boys.
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Tito:''' Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets when I could set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge: uno, dos, tres!
+
:'''Bart''': Your micro-jerks attacked me!
''[band starts playing salsa music]''
+
:'''Lisa''': Well, you practically destroyed their whole world.
:'''Singer:''' Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song. Burns will always carry with him. ''[shot of Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou bobbing to the beat]'' So I'll settle my score on the salsa floor. With this vengeful Latin rhythm. ''[shots of chef with tray of clams opening their mouths in rhythm and man at condom machine buying many condoms]''
+
:'''Bart''': You can't protect them every second. Sooner or later, you'll let your guard down, and then flush! It's toilet time for Tinytown!
:'''Chorus:''' Burns! ''[trumpet riff]''
 
:'''Singer:''' Con un corazon de perro.
 
:'''Chorus:''' Senor Burns! ''[trumpet riff]''
 
:'''Singer:''' El diablo con dinero. ''[mambo riff]'' It may not surprise you, but all of us despise you. Please die, and fry in hell. You rotten rich old wretch. Adios viejo! ''[trumpet riff; end of song]''
 
:'''Wiggum:''' ''[clapping]'' Yeah! OK, OK, I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all our suspects are this much fun.
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Skinner:''' I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. When it adjourned, I rushed to the lavatory to apply my camouflage makeup --
+
:'''Lisa''': Oh my God! I've created life!
''[flashback to Skinner in washroom]''
+
:'''Marge''': (from downstairs) Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles!
:'''Skinner:''' ''[with eyeshadow and lipstick on]'' Blast! I took Mother's makeup kit by mistake.
+
:'''Lisa''': Ooh, waffles.
:'''Chalmers:''' ''[walking in]'' Ooh, er, excuse me, ma'am.
 
:'''Skinner:''' ''[gasps]'' Superintendent Chalmers!
 
:'''Chalmers:''' ''[slowly]'' Oh my God... ''[a shot sounds outside]''
 
''[back to the current time]''
 
:'''Wiggum:''' So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
 
:'''Skinner:''' Oh, yes. But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Eddie:''' Did you hold a grudge against Mr. Burns?
+
:'''Bart''': You're crazy!
:'''Moe:''' No!
+
:'''[[Hugo]]''': Am I? Well, perhaps we're all a little crazy. I know I am. I went mad after they tore us apart, but I'll be sane… once I sew us back together.
''[The lie detector buzzes, indicating a lie.]''
+
:'''Bart''': But you'll kill both of us.
:'''Moe:''' Okay, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him!
+
:'''Hugo''': No, it's easy. Look, I've been practicing: I made a pigeon-rat.
''[The lie detector dings, indicating the truth.]''
 
:'''Eddie:''' Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
 
:'''Moe:''' Good, 'cause I've got a hot date tonight! ''[buzz]'' Odd date. ''[buzz]'' Dinner with friends. ''[buzz]'' Dinner alone. ''[buzz]'' Watching TV alone. ''[buzz]'' Alright! I'm just going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! ''[buzz]'' Sears catalog. ''[ding]'' Now, would you unhook this already, please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! ''[buzz]''
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Marge:''' Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't in there. Have you seen it?
+
:'''Bart''': Did you guys hear something moving around in the attic last night?
:'''Grampa:''' You accuse me of everything around here! "Who put slippers in the dishwasher?" "Who threw a cane at the TV?" "Who fell into the china hutch?"
+
:'''Homer''': Attic? Oh, that's silly. Seriously though, don't ever go up there.
:'''Marge:''' I was just asking if you've seen it. There's no need for you to be a prickly pear. ''[Walks away]''
 
:'''Grampa:''' ''[Holds up gun and strokes it]'' Oh, your the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad.
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Lisa:''' ''[slowly, in Chief Wiggum's dream]'' Chief… Wiggum… Don't… Eat … The clues…
+
:'''Kang''': (as Dole) Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected.
''[Chief Wiggum finds a flaming card, while Lisa holds up another flaming card.]''
+
:'''[[Kodos]]''': (as Clinton) Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss.
:'''Lisa:''' ''[slowly]'' This suit burns better… Look!
 
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' What?
 
:'''Lisa:''' ''[slowly, holding the card closer]'' Better… Look! Burns' suit…
 
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' I'm not following you.
 
:'''Lisa:''' ''[slowly]'' Burns' suit! Burns' suit!
 
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' Huh?
 
:'''Lisa:''' ''[normal voice]'' Look at Burns' suit! Geesh!
 
''[Eddie wakes Chief Wiggum up from his dream.]''
 
:'''Eddie:''' Hey, Chief. I have an idea. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he was shot?
 
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' Did you have the same dream with backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?
 
:'''Eddie:''' ''[hastily]'' I'll drive.
 
 
----
 
----
:'''DNA Guy:''' Ooh, nice eyelash. Yours?
+
:'''Kang''': (as Bob Dole) Abortions for all!
:'''Wiggum:''' No. We need to find out who it belonged to. We want a DNA test.
+
:''(Crowd boos)''
:'''DNA Guy:''' Ooh, ooh, ee, ooh, ooh, that takes, uh, 8 to 10 weeks.
+
:'''Kang''': Very well, no abortions for anyone!
:'''Wiggum:''' ''[sighs, hands him a carton of cigarettes]''
+
:''(Crowd boos again)''
:'''DNA Guy:''' Did I say weeks? 'Cause I meant seconds. ''[runs over to another machine, grabs a card from it; puts it in a computer]''
+
:''Kang: Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!''
:'''Wiggum:''' What do you got, the whole town's DNA on file?
+
:''(Crowd cheers and waves miniature flags.)''
:'''DNA guy:''' Y'uh huh. If you've ever handled a penny, the government's got your DNA. Why do you think they keep 'em in circulation?
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Mr. Burns:''' ''[wakes up]'' Homer Simpson!
+
:'''Homer''': Oh, no! Aliens, bio-duplication, nude conspiracies! Oh my God! Lyndon LaRouche was right!
:'''Eddie:''' Bingo! The gunman has a name-o!
 
 
----
 
----
''[The police barge into the Simpson home.]''
+
:'''Homer''': (Gulps) I suppose you want to probe me. Well, might as well get it over with. (Starts to unzip his pants)
:'''Lisa:''' Hey! Chief Wiggum! What's going on? What are you doing?
+
:'''Kang''': Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' Sorry, kid. We found Simpson DNA on Mr. Burns' suit, and your father was identified by the old man himself.
 
''[The Simpsons all gasp.]''
 
:'''Bart:''' ''[Scoffing]'' DNA, positive ID. Those won't hold up in any court. Run, Dad!
 
''[Bart pushes Homer towards the door.]''
 
:'''Lou:''' ''[Holds up a gun]'' Hey, Chief! Look what I found underneath Homer Simpson's car seat.
 
''[Lou and Eddie check the gun for fingerprints.]''
 
:'''Homer:''' I swear! I've never seen that gun before!
 
:'''Eddie:''' Oh, really? Then why are your fingerprints on it, sir?
 
''[Eddie holds up Homer's glass, which has the same fingerprints as the gun.]''
 
:'''Homer:''' Aaah!
 
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' ''[Pulls out a bullet from the gun.]'' This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns! Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
 
''[Chief Wiggum handcuffs Homer]''
 
:'''Homer:''' D'oh!
 
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say, "D'oh."
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Wiggum:''' We need two cups of coffee, and two orders of bite-sized breakfast pancakes. With extra dipping sauce.
+
:'''Lisa''': Wait, one of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. (Gasps) I've created Lutherans!
:'''Kid:''' Please pull up to the service window, please.
 
:'''Wiggum:''' ''[tries]'' The wagon's too tall! Oh, I don't want to have to get out. Ehh, I'll just drive up on the curb. ''[does so, leans out window to grab order; van starts tipping]''
 
:'''Wiggum:''' Almost got it...
 
:'''Lou:''' Drop the food, chief! ''[van falls over; back door opens and Homer stands up]'' ''[Jasper pulls up in an old car]''
 
:'''Jasper:''' ''[honks]'' Damn fools! Drive-thru's not for a-parking. [floors it, then skids to halt, pushing the van out forward ''[Homer hobbles in front of it, trying to avoid it]''
 
:'''Kid:''' Diane? I'm going to take my break now.
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Dr. Nick:''' Hi Everybody!
+
:'''Lisa''': Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and Chinese food. But I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!
:'''Mr. Burns:''' Ho...mer...Simp...son!
 
:'''Dr. Nick:''' Okay... That was a little strange... Umm... Tell me, how are you feeling today?
 
:'''Mr. Burns:''' Homer... Simpson, Homer... D'oh... Simpson.
 
:'''Dr. Nick:''' Hmm... That seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Marge:''' The police have such a strong case against Homer! Mr. Burns said he did it, they found his DNA on Mr. Burns' suit.
+
:'''Homer''': We'll search out every place a sick twisted solitary misfit might run to.
:'''Lisa:''' They have Simpson DNA; it could have come from any of us! Well, except you, since you're a Bouvier.
+
:'''Lisa''': I'll start with Radio Shack.
:'''Marge:''' No! No, no. When I took your father's name I took everything that came with it, including DNA!
 
:'''Lisa:''' Um...''[rolls her eyes]'' Okay, Mom. But like I'm saying, the evidence isn't as concrete as it seems. Like those fingerprints; they could have gotten on the gun some other way.
 
''[flashback to Lisa in the car with Homer]''
 
:'''Lisa:''' Are you sure you don't want me to hold one of your ice cream cones?
 
:'''Homer:''' ''[driving with his knees]'' Pfft. Yeah, right. You chose fruit, you live with fruit. ''[one scoop falls out of the cone]'' D'oh! ''[reaches under seat]'' ''[touches Pipin Hot Bread 8-track]'' No... ''[touches pineapple air freshener]'' No... ''[touches gun]'' No... ''[touches lollipop]'' Ew! Why is this on the floor ''[puts it in his pocket]''
 
''[back to current time]''
 
:'''Lisa:''' And we don't even know whose gun that was! Maybe somebody planted it there to frame Dad.
 
:'''Marge:''' No, we can't start thinking that way about our own family members. Suspicion could tear us apart.
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Wiggum:''' Here is a photo of the fugitive from our files. ''[holds up picture of Homer in a "Haig in '88" T-shirt]'' And now, Waylon Smithers, uh, who's been a real good sport about that wrongful arrest thing—whew! Heh--- has a, er, statement that he would like to make. Waylon?
+
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. So, we did the only humane thing.
:'''Smithers:''' Thank you. As Montgomery Burns' closest friend, I am certain there's nothing he would want more than swift, brutal revenge against Homer Simpson. Therefore I am offering a $50,000 reward for his capture—dead or alive. ''[everyone bustles off]''
+
:'''Homer''': We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
:'''Wiggum:''' Oh, wow. Me first! Me first!
+
:'''Marge''': It's saved our marriage.
 
----
 
----
:'''Burns:''' Homer Simpson?
+
:'''Lisa''': (Upon waking up and seeing her tooth.) Mold! That's science project paydirt!
:'''Homer:''' So, you finally learned my name, eh?
 
:'''Burns:''' ''[shaking head]'' Homer Simpson.
 
:'''Homer:''' I've got no time for your demented parlor games. You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you. ''[reaches to strangle Burns]''
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Apu:''' Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass.
+
:''(From The Thing and I)''
 +
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': You never forget the birth of Siamese twins!
 +
:'''Lisa''': I believe they prefer to be called "Conjoined twins."
 +
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': And hillbillies want to be called "Sons of the Soil," but it ain't gonna happen. (Laughs)
 
----
 
----
:'''Lisa:''' Stop! Don't shoot my Dad. He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly! ''[they open the door]''
+
:'''Kodos''': (as Clinton) I am Clin-ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal command. End communication. (crosses arms)
:'''Burns:''' ''[being strangled and shaken]'' Ho-mer Simp-son! Ho-mer Simp-son!
 
:'''Homer:''' Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me.
 
:'''Burns:''' ''[grunting]'' What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me?
 
:'''Homer:''' ''[loses it]'' D'ohhh! [grabs a gun, cocks it as Burns' head] Say it, Burns say I never shot you! Before.
 
:'''Burns:''' Shot? [chuckles] By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was--''[looks around, sees his assailant]'' Aah! Aah! Aah! M-Maggie Simpson!
 
 
----
 
----
:'''Burns:''' Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.
+
:'''Homer''': What are you spraying me with?
 +
:'''Kang''': Rum! So no one will believe your story.
 
----
 
----
:'''Mr. Burns:''' ''[telling what happened after he got shot]'' Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid, but finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I immediately gave up hope, and I collapsed onto the sundial.
+
:'''Clinton Aide''': (closely resembling George Stephanopoulos) People are becoming a bit confused by the way you and your opponent are… well… constantly holding hands.
:'''Lisa:''' Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S. Or, from your point of view, M and S: Maggie Simpson.
+
:'''Kang''': (as Dole) We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.
:'''Mr. Burns:''' What? No! With my last ounce of strength, I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have such sticky fingers.
 
:'''Marge:''' Well, I'm just glad you're back to full health and we can all get back to our everyday lives. And if Maggie could talk, I'm sure she'd apologize…
 
:'''Mr. Burns:''' I'm afraid that's insufficient! ''[to Chief Wiggum]'' Officer, arrest the baby!
 
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, right, pops! No jury in the world's ever going to convict a baby. ''[thinks to himself]'' Maybe Texas…
 
:'''Marge:''' Besides, she didn't mean it; it was an accident.
 
''[Maggie looks around in the room and sucks on her pacifier, which sound like muffled gunshots.]''
 
 
----
 
----
{{Season 7|Q}}
+
:'''Marge''': (on phone, gravely) Yes, Doctor, it's what we've always feared -- it's loose. Hugo is loose. (cheerfully) See you soon!
<!-- Abbot copied article "Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)/Quotes" here -->
+
----
 +
:'''[[Bob Dole]]''': (captive on the alien saucer) I am so mad at the Secret Service right now.
 +
----
 +
:''(From "The Genesis Tub")''
 +
:'''Lisa''': Oh, great. I'm stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life.
 +
:''(People stare at her)''
 +
:'''Lisa''': Shouldn't you people be groveling?
 +
:''(Everyone starts groveling)''
 +
:'''Lisa''': And bring me some shoes. Nice ones.
 +
:'''Man''': She'll want socks, too. I'll get socks.
 +
 
 +
----
 +
 
 +
:'''Homer''': Don't blame me. ''I'' voted for Kodos.
 +
 
 +
{{Season 8|Q}}
 +
<!-- Abbot copied article "Treehouse of Horror VII/Quotes" here -->

Revision as of 07:02, October 23, 2018


Season Episode Quotes
153 "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

"Abbot"
"You Only Move Twice" 155


(Talking to Lisa in "The Genesis Tub")
Bart: Hey what is this goo? Are you trying to build a friend?

(From "The Genesis Tub")
Principal Skinner: This mini universe you've created is even more impressive then Martin's milk carton ukulele.
(Shot of Martin in the background in a grass skirt playing the ukulele.)

(From "The Thing and I")
Dr. Hibbert: That means the evil twin is and always has been...Bart.
(They all turn around and stare at Bart.)
Bart: Oh, don't look so shocked.

Kodos: (as Clinton) We must go forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

Kodos: It's a two party system! You have to vote for one of us!
Man: He's right, this is a two-party system.
Man 2: Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.
Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away.

Homer: Ah… The old fishin' hole. So peaceful and relaxing, doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish… come on, you stupid fish! Take the bait! Don't make me come down there!!!

Leader: Welcome to our world, most gracious Lisa.
Lisa: Your world is incredible. And you speak English.
Leader: We have listened to you speak since the dawn of time, O Creator. And we have learned to imatoot you exarktly.

Homer: We think we saw Hugo at the airport; he was boarding a plane to Switzerland and… (sees Hugo) Oh.

Lisa: What's up there?
Bart: Is it a monster?
Lisa: We have to know.
Bart: Tell us what's the secret.
Homer: No more questions. I work my butt off to feed you four kids and all you do is--
(Marge stares at Homer.)
Homer: What?
Marge: Three, we have three children!
Homer: Yeah, three nosy kids. And you know what happens to nosy kids who ask too many questions?
Bart/Lisa: (talking quickly) No, what? Does something happen? Does something happen to nosy kids who ask questions? What happens?

Kent: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?
Kang: (as Dole) It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed. DOOMED!
Kent: Well, a refreshingly frank response there from senator Bob Dole.

Homer: Oh my God, space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!

Bart: Your micro-jerks attacked me!
Lisa: Well, you practically destroyed their whole world.
Bart: You can't protect them every second. Sooner or later, you'll let your guard down, and then flush! It's toilet time for Tinytown!

Lisa: Oh my God! I've created life!
Marge: (from downstairs) Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles!
Lisa: Ooh, waffles.

Bart: You're crazy!
Hugo: Am I? Well, perhaps we're all a little crazy. I know I am. I went mad after they tore us apart, but I'll be sane… once I sew us back together.
Bart: But you'll kill both of us.
Hugo: No, it's easy. Look, I've been practicing: I made a pigeon-rat.

Bart: Did you guys hear something moving around in the attic last night?
Homer: Attic? Oh, that's silly. Seriously though, don't ever go up there.

Kang: (as Dole) Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected.
Kodos: (as Clinton) Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss.

Kang: (as Bob Dole) Abortions for all!
(Crowd boos)
Kang: Very well, no abortions for anyone!
(Crowd boos again)
Kang: Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!
(Crowd cheers and waves miniature flags.)

Homer: Oh, no! Aliens, bio-duplication, nude conspiracies! Oh my God! Lyndon LaRouche was right!

Homer: (Gulps) I suppose you want to probe me. Well, might as well get it over with. (Starts to unzip his pants)
Kang: Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.

Lisa: Wait, one of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. (Gasps) I've created Lutherans!

Lisa: Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and Chinese food. But I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!

Homer: We'll search out every place a sick twisted solitary misfit might run to.
Lisa: I'll start with Radio Shack.

Dr. Hibbert: But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. So, we did the only humane thing.
Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
Marge: It's saved our marriage.

Lisa: (Upon waking up and seeing her tooth.) Mold! That's science project paydirt!

(From The Thing and I)
Dr. Hibbert: You never forget the birth of Siamese twins!
Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called "Conjoined twins."
Dr. Hibbert: And hillbillies want to be called "Sons of the Soil," but it ain't gonna happen. (Laughs)

Kodos: (as Clinton) I am Clin-ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal command. End communication. (crosses arms)

Homer: What are you spraying me with?
Kang: Rum! So no one will believe your story.

Clinton Aide: (closely resembling George Stephanopoulos) People are becoming a bit confused by the way you and your opponent are… well… constantly holding hands.
Kang: (as Dole) We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

Marge: (on phone, gravely) Yes, Doctor, it's what we've always feared -- it's loose. Hugo is loose. (cheerfully) See you soon!

Bob Dole: (captive on the alien saucer) I am so mad at the Secret Service right now.

(From "The Genesis Tub")
Lisa: Oh, great. I'm stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life.
(People stare at her)
Lisa: Shouldn't you people be groveling?
(Everyone starts groveling)
Lisa: And bring me some shoes. Nice ones.
Man: She'll want socks, too. I'll get socks.

Homer: Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos.
Season 8 Quotes
Treehouse of Horror VII You Only Move Twice The Homer They Fall Burns, Baby Burns Bart After Dark A Milhouse Divided Lisa's Date with Density Hurricane Neddy El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer The Springfield Files The Twisted World of Marge Simpson Mountain of Madness Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show Homer's Phobia Brother from Another Series My Sister, My Sitter Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment Grade School Confidential The Canine Mutiny The Old Man and the Lisa In Marge We Trust Homer's Enemy The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase The Secret War of Lisa Simpson