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Lisa's Rival/Quotes
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- Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food!
- Homer: And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
- Marge: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost 40 dollars by not going into work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
- Homer: Woohoo! A four-day weekend!
- Bart: Dad, isn't this stealing?
- Homer: Read the town charter, boy: "If foodstuff should touch the ground, said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot." Since I don't see him around, start shoveling!
- Marge: Lisa, stop blowing my sex! I mean stop blowing your sax, your sax, stop it.
- Ralph: [whispering] Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
- Lisa: [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
- Ralph: My cat's name is Mittens.
- Lisa: I never made Miss Hoover "yowie."
- Bart: [driving while Homer eats a pizza] Hurry up and finish eating!
- Homer: You're steering fine, boy. Hard to the right!
- Bart: Oh!
- Homer: Hard to the left!
- Bart: Oh!
- Homer: Cat! Deer! Old man!
- Abe: [getting out of the way] Aah!
- Lisa: Mom?
- Marge: [coming out of her daydream] What? What?
- Lisa: Why am I still rotting away in the second grade instead of being skipped ahead?
- Marge: I dunno honey, I guess that's the school's decision to make.
- Lisa: Well, did you ever talk to anyone at the school? Make a few calls on my behalf? Maybe you could have been "nicer" to
Principal Skinner, if ya know what I mean.
- Marge: Lisa! I am nice.
- Homer: I can't live the buttoned down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odor - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called 'City Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?
- Marge: Homer, I really appreciate you making dinner, but this food tastes a little strange.
- Lisa: It hurts my teeth.
- Homer: That's because I've loaded it with sugar! [holds up a bag containing "Farmer Homer's Sweet Sweet Sugar"] Marge, our ship has come in! I found five hundred pounds of sugar [to Bart] in the forest [to Marge] that I'm going to sell directly to the consumer! All for a low, low price of $1 per pound.
- Marge: But the grocery store sells sugar for thirty-five cents a pound.
- Lisa: And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it.
- Homer: Those are prizes! [eats a mouthful] Ooh, a blasting cap.
- Mr. Largo: It's your turn, Jimbo.
- Jimbo: [walks up with tambourine, hits it once] Unh!
- Mr. Largo: Hmm, someone's been practicing over the summer. Welcome aboard.
- Jimbo: Yes! [walks off and hits Martin in the head with tambourine]
- Martin: Ow! My lute! [drops it and breaks it]
- [Lisa opens her eyes after trying to outdo Alison on the saxophone.]
- Mr. Largo: Oh! That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.
- Lisa: I won First Chair?
- Mr. Largo: No, you regained consciousness. Alison got First Chair.
- Lisa: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh! [passes out again; opens her eyes] Oh, it was just a dream...
- Mr.Largo: Oh! That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.
- Lisa: I won First Chair?
- Mr. Largo: No, you regained consciousness. Alison got First Chair... and believe me, this is not a dream!
- Lisa: Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!
- Ralph: [whispers] Hey, Alison: what's the answer to number nine?
- Alison: [whispers] I can't tell you, Ralph.
- Lisa: [whispers] I can't tell you either, Ralph.
- Ralph: [to Lisa] Leave me alone!
- Lisa: I appreciate the offer, but it goes against every moral fiber in my body.
- Bart: Suit yourself. If you change your mind, here's my card.
- Lisa: I don't need a card. You live in the room next to me.
- Bart: [into tape recorder] Note: next year, order fewer cards.
- Lisa: Hey, I am above average! So what if Alison's ahead of me? There's no shame in being second. [imagines]
- Announcer: And now, Avis Rent-A-Car is proud to present the second best band in America. Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-Up." [band begins to play; audience boos]
- Lisa: Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?
- Bart: Tomorrow morning, when Allison comes out of her house, we spray her with the hose, soaking her from head to toe, leaving us relatively dry.
- Lisa: Relatively?
- Bart: Well, there's bound to be some splash back.
- Lisa: Bart, her being wet won't help me to win the competition.
- Bart: We could just sabotage her diorama, humiliating her in front of the students and faculty.
- Lisa: Perfect!
- Bart: Leaving her primed for the most traumatic hose-soaking of her life!
- Lisa: Enough with the hose!
- Lisa: I should be Allison's friend. I mean, she is a wonderful person.
- Bart: Way to go, Lis. Why compete with someone who's just gonna kick your butt anyway?
- Lisa: I prefer my phrasing.
- Allison: Are you hyperventilating?
- Lisa: No, I just like to smell my lunch.
- Mr. Taylor: Hi, Lisa, I'm Alison's father, Professor Taylor. I've heard great things about you.
- Lisa: Oh, really? I--
- Mr. Taylor: Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our anagram game.
- Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
- Mr. Taylor: Like, er... Oh, I don't know, uh... Alec Guinness.
- Alison: Genuine class.
- Mr. Taylor: Ho ho, very good. Alright, Lisa, um... Jeremy Irons.
- Lisa: Uh, Jeremy's...iron.
- Mr. Taylor: Mm hmm, well, that's... very good... for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?
- Principal Skinner: Ah, "Diorama-Rama", my favorite school event next to "Hearing Test Thursday." [he and Miss Hoover walk up to Nelson's diorama]
- Ms. Hoover: "The Grapes of Wrath"? I don't get it.
- Nelson: Here's the grapes... and here's the wrath! [pounds grapes with a mallet, soaking Skinner and Miss Hoover; all the kids groan]
- Principal Skinner: [dismissive] Yes, yes, very good wrath.
- Ralph: I bent my Wookie.
- Lisa: Hey Ralph, want to come with me and Alison to play "Anagrams"?
- Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
- Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food.
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