Gump Roast/Quotes

Quotes

[Homer is sitting on a bench dressed as Forrest Gump. Chief Wiggum comes along.]

Wiggum: "Hold it right there, Forrest Plump! This town has laws against impersonating movie characters."

Moe: [dressed as Austin Powers] "Oh, behave!"

[Officers Lou and Eddie appear, grab Moe, and put him into a paddy wagon with Dr. Hibbert, who is dressed as Darth Vader.]

Hibbert: "Luke, I am your father." [laughs]

Moe: "Yeah, it's shag-a-delic."

[Chief Wiggum takes a seat on the bench and talks with Homer.]

Homer: "Don't you have criminals to catch?"

Wiggum: "Hey, I'm working on it. We, uh, we got an undercover guy who's infiltrating the Mob. [looks across street] Oh, there he is now. [waves and hollers] Hey, Pete! Pete! They fixed the Coke machine."

[The view expands to show Pete standing next to a sunglasses-wearing Fat Tony. Tony removes his sunglasses and stares menacingly at Pete, and Pete laughs nervously.]

[The Simpson family take a blindfolded Homer to the Springfield Friars Club.]

Krusty the Clown: "Hey, Homer! Do you remember this voice?"

Homer: "Kathleen Turner!" [growls]

Krusty: "No, it's me, Krusty! [pulls off Homer's blindfold] You're at the Springfield Friars Club, where tonight, we're roasting you, Homer Simpson!"

[The audience applauds.]

Homer: "Are the proceeds going to charity?"

Krusty: "Hell, no!"

Homer: "Woo-hoo!"

[The roasting of Homer commences. Bart and Lisa join Krusty at the podium.]

Krusty: "Now I'd like to read some telegrams from people who couldn't make it. First, we have Mark Spitz."

Lisa: "Who's Mark Spitz?"

Bart: "What's a telegram?"

[Mr. Burns takes his turn at the podium for the Homer-roast.]

Burns: "I stand here to expose the criminal ineptitude of Homer J. Simpson. [Homer gasps] Again and again he has brought this town to the brink of annihilation."

[The audience laughs hysterically.]

Burns: "Why are you laughing? His bungling has shortened your lives and mutated your children!"

[The audience laughs even more hysterically, Kent Brockman to the point of falling over backwards in his chair.]

Burns: "Just look at all of his catastrophic nincompoopery." [gestures at video screen]

Carl: [in audience, still laughing] "Poop."

[Krusty introduces the next two speakers for the roast.]

Krusty: "Now here's a couple that's been dating. Carbon-dating! [laughs] Grampa Simpson and Agnes Skinner!"

[The audience applauds as Agnes and Abe step up to the podium. Agnes is wearing an extremely low-cut dress that shows lots of cleavage.]

Abe: "Sweet Toledo! What's keepin' that dress on?"

Sideshow Mel: [standing up and shouting] "The collective will of everyone in this room!"

Agnes: [angry] "You fruits wouldn't know what to do with me!"

[The festivities are interrupted by the arrival of Kang and Kodos.]

Krusty: [angry, confrontational] "Look, you weren't in dress rehearsal, so you're not in the show!"

[Kodos zaps Krusty with a raygun, giving him a huge electrical shock.]

Krusty: "This can't be good for my pacemaker."

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