Sashes to Sashes/Quotes
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- Principal Skinner: Today, we hold an assembly for a dead lady you never met, because this wonderful, generous woman has left her entire estate to the school to fund the new music program.
- Joe Quimby III: I'd like a word. My name is Joe Quimby III. Mr. Dahan's homeroom. I go to this school now.
- Nelson Muntz: Welcome, rich kid.
- Principal Skinner: I've heard of frozen water and plain yogurt, but this is extraordinary.
- Immigration inspector: Hmm. Joseph O'Shaughnessy from Quimby, Ireland. Never seen an apostrophe in a name before. Must be a typo. Welcome to America, Joe Quimby.
- Lisa: Someone ought to run against that rich, little nepo-Quimby. Someone who cares about the school with real plans for the future. Someone like… [gasps] …me.
- Devin: Two votes. That's all you get. You and Milhouse… maybe.
- Milhouse Van Houten: I'm still doing my research.
- Devin: Everyone loves the cis Caucasian bad boy, and you should see his polling. Bart's playing well with all the demos, bullies, nerds, twinks, by which I mean kids who like Twinkies.
- Lisa: Bart, you have to run for president. Somebody's gotta stop little Quimby.
- Bart: Oh, but I don't wanna be president, and I'm excited for that music festival. He's getting the Chunk Mafia. Chunk, chunk it up.
- Bart: A cherry bomb in every toilet and a beehive in Skinner's car.
- Principal Skinner: They're in my ears!
- Bart: He's killing us on the Bart-fart rhyme angle.
- Milhouse: This is exactly what took down Kevin Kiarrhea.
- Joe Quimby: I'm not afraid to tell you the hard truth. The rich deserve tax breaks for yachts and LeRoy Neiman paintings and fancy dinners like this one.
- Joe Quimby: Oh, Donkey Kong Jr. Maybe we'll both live up to the expectations of our barrel-cursed fathers.
- Joe Quimby: Who the hell are you?
- Beatrice Bouvier: Beatrice Bouvier. I get coffee for the person who gets you coffee.
- Joe Quimby: Ugh. What is that?
- Beatrice Bouvier: That's a Slobtown Meat Cone. A waffle cone full of beef stew.
- Joe Quimby: Ugh, these people are animals. Thank God they don't get to vote.
- Beatrice Bouvier: They do, and the cone allows them to hold stew in one hand while hooping a barrel with the other.
- Bart: It's weird, but it turns out I love popularity.
- Joe Quimby, Sr.: Marrying a Slobtown girl will help us with the unions. Smart move, Son.
- Joe Quimby: I married her because I love her.
- Joe Quimby, Sr.: Never say that on the record.
- Joe Quimby: My dad says being a philanderer is an essential part of my hyper-masculine political image, but don't worry, I told him I would never cheat on you.
- Beatrice Bouvier: Oh, thank God.
- Joe Quimby: He'll be happy as long as the press catches me in bed naked with many, many sexy ladies, but I will commit neither hanky nor panky.
- Beatrice Bouvier: So you'll respect me privately, but humiliate me publicly?
- Joe Quimby: I don't have a choice. I'm sorry, but whatever my father wants, my father gets.
- Beatrice Bouvier: Oh. You broke my heart, Joe Quimby. [sobs]
- Lisa: You deep faked a picture of my brother picking his nose.
- Joe Quimby III: That wasn't a deep fake.
- Lisa: [groans] That makes sense.
- Agnes Skinner: If he can't even cheat on his wife, how can he repave our highways? I say we turn on him.
- Joe Quimby: Dad, other than that last question, uh, how do you think I did in the debate?
- Joe Quimby, Sr.: I stole the family turnip. I left the land of my birth. I killed a man with a corned beef sandwich. All to make our name in this country.
- Joe Quimby: Okay, all pretty positive so far.
- Joe Quimby, Sr.: But you've ruined all that. You'll never be more than the mayor of a two-bit town. You're a failure, and you've forever brought shame to the Quimby name.
- Beatrice Bouvier: Thanks for reaching out, Lisa. I've only heard about your family through your aunts, Patty and Selma. How's your morbidly obese alcoholic father dealing with his chronic butt fungus?
- Lisa: Um… He gets by.
- Joe Quimby III: Ever since my grandfather got rich making barrels, my family has been jumping over those barrels and hitting them with hammers. But we have never been able to escape them because those barrels are filled with ambition instead of love, and often they are on fire.
- Joe Quimby: It is true.
- Joe Quimby III: I can play this game no longer because my soul has run out of quarters.I'm stepping down, but I leave you in the worthy hands of Bart Simpson.
