The Simpsons: Tapped Out The Van Houtens content update/Premium Gameplay

Salting the Books

Salting the Books Pt. 1

After tapping on Kirkedemious Van Houten's exclamation mark: So this is the Springfield I've heard so much about. Time to go check up on the cracker factory. I'm sure the Van Houten name is thriving thanks to our family's legendary square and salty goodness. This here is the room where we salt the crackers. If we had the budget for it. These days, each cracker sheet is just rubbed against this salt block for twenty seconds. That's enough salt for the people? We're still the number one cracker in the tri-county area, I trust? Oh, good gracious, no. Southern Cracker has fallen to the number six spot, behind Allied Biscuit. Allied Biscuit? Allied Biscuit?!! Oh, if Grandpappy Van Houten knew we'd be playing second fiddle— More like sixth fiddle. —to Allied Biscuit, he'd be rolling over in his grave... ...if he hadn't been cremated and sprinkled over a batch of Special Reserve Saltinettes. Task: Make Kirkedemious Go Over the Books (4h, Cracker Factory or Van Houten Villa) These numbers can't be correct. Sixteen thousand dollars for a nuclear-powered dough kneader? Ah, yes that was for our limited release S'S'mores. For when you've had some s'mores but you need S'S'more s'mores. And another sixteen thousand for a grammar expert? Right. Also for the S'S'mores campaign. Corporate couldn't decide how many apostrophes was correct. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Salting the Books Pt. 2

After tapping on Kirkedemious Van Houten's exclamation mark: Luann. Kirkedemious? I thought you were— Hiking the Andes with my mistress? I cut it short to check up on our factory. And I'm glad I did. Are you aware of the state of things? Uh...Kirk did it! Tell me, Luann. What percentage of the local indigenous population is being exploited for labor in the factory? Uh, well, I think zero. Oh, that's way too low. No wonder your profit margins are so thin. Task: Make Kirkedemious Look for Indigenous Springfielders to Exploit (4h, Cracker Factory or Van Houten Villa) If the user has Luann: Task: Make Luann Yell at Kirk for the Factory Woes (4h, Cracker Factory, Van Houten Villa or Brown House) If the user has Kirk: Task: Make Kirk Threaten Divorce but Take it Back (4h, Cracker Factory, Van Houten Villa or Brown House) This is all your fault! Kirkedemious wouldn't even be here if you hadn't taken over at the factory and driven it into the ground! Well I wouldn't have had to take over at the factory if you'd been supportive of my competitive basket weaving. I could have gone pro! Quest reward: 100 and 10

Salting the Books Pt. 3

After tapping on Kirkedemious Van Houten's exclamation mark: I take it you are the chief recruiter of the local labor hiring hall? Among other arrangements, yes. Then I need you to gather an assortment of indigenous laborers and have them report to the Southern Cracker factory. Ask for, um...Mr., uh...Mr. Manager. That can be arranged. Task: Make Kirkedemious Ask the Cracker Factory Manager's Name (8h, Cracker Factory or Van Houten Villa) Task: Make Fat Tony Round Up the Locals (8h, Cracker Factory, Van Houten Villa or Brown House) And so alls I gots to do is scrape all this dough off'a this machine here, and I can keep whatever I dun scraped? Incredible. They've barely learned language at all. And what is the name of his tribe? They go by the moniker of "Yokels". I like to lick the salt block! And this one is a Yokel as well? After a fashion. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Salting the Books Pt. 4

After tapping on Kirkedemious Van Houten's exclamation mark: Excuse me. Are you...*reading*...Kirkedumbledore Von Hasselhoff? Yes. Are you another Yokel? I'm asking the questions here. It seems that Channel 6 News did an exposé on numerous labor code violations at your factory. Is that a question? No. My question is...I didn't see the exposé...did you? I did not. But speaking of free media exposure I believe you would be the perfect spokesperson for our new Southern Cracker ad campaign... I would? Indeed. A rugged man among men, exploring the countryside, stopping here and there for the manliest of snacks — a cracker. Unless, of course, you're busy with this...exposé, was it? What, that? No, no, tell me more about my rugged man-among-manliness. Of course. But first, let me see you pose just like I am. Sure thing. Let me get my Springfield Explorers outfit. Task: Make Kirkedemious Pose (1h) If the user has Wiggum: Task: Make Wiggum Run Home to Get His Explorer's Outfit (1h, Cracker Factory, Van Houten Villa or Brown House) Yes, that's it. Perfection. Should I raise my leg higher? No guarantees I'll succeed, but I can try. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Salting the Books Pt. 5

After tapping on Kirkedemious Van Houten's exclamation mark: The numbers have just come in. Our ad campaign is a huge success, all thanks to you, Chief Wiggum. Ah, well, just doing my job. My second job, that is. With these cracker sales, we can afford to buy real salt. The Van Houten name will mean something again. Other than "Made of Wood" of course. Task: Make Kirkedemious Salt the Crackers (4h) If the user has Wiggum: Task: Make Wiggum Audition for Other Modeling Gigs (4h, Cracker Factory, Van Houten Villa or Brown House) Following our exposé last week, several of the exploited workers have bravely chosen to come forward. We Yokels demand freedom! Look at that. Ralphie is a spokesman, too. He's a chip off the old block. Salt makes my tongue mad! Block of salt, that is. Quest reward: 200 and 20

Loove At First Sight

Loove At First Sight Pt. 1

After tapping on Milhoose's exclamation mark: Hey, Milhoose. Welcome to Springfield. How was your trip? Not great. The air conditioner broke and it got hotter than a Calgary brush fire. It caused quite a kerfuffle. Riiight. So, what do you wanna do first while you're here? I'm pretty beat. Do you mind if we just head back to your hoose? My what? Oh, you mean my "house". You've got a funny accent. So southern. Task: Make Milhoose Head Over to Bart's Hoose (4h, Simpson House or Brown House) If the user has Bart: Task: Make Bart Take Milhoose Back to His Hoose (4h, Simpson House or Brown House) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Loove At First Sight Pt. 2

After tapping on Milhoose's exclamation mark: Sure it's okay with your parents that I stay here? Of course, they said they'd love to have you. Something about...expanding my culture or something. I honestly forgot though. Bart, did a button from my pants fly through here? Wow, your dad must spend a lot of time on the chesterfield, eh? Milhouse, what happened to your head? It has a wool cap on it. Dad! This isn't Milhouse. It's Milhoose. Remember, you said he could stay with us a couple of days? That doesn't sound like something I'd say... You were drunk and you said, "As long as he pays the toll," to which I said, "what's the toll?" and you said— *suddenly remembering* Fifty gallons of maple syrup! *hands over fifty-gallon drum of maple syrup* Woo-hoo! Marge! Can you make eight-hundred pancakes, please?! Hey Bart, who's your new friend? Bart, I need to use your washroom! Task: Make Milhoose Dive Into the Washroom (12h, Simpson House or Brown House) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Loove At First Sight Pt. 3

After tapping on Milhoose's exclamation mark: Milhoose, you okay? Just fixing my hair. Hey, where'd that cutie go? You mean Lisa? I think she went to bed. You were in there for like twelve hours. I'm going to level with you, Bart. I only came here so I could ask your sister oot. Ugh, are you serious? Trust me man, you don't wanna go there. I've lived with this girl for...sometimes it feels like thirty years. It's too late, Bart. I've got it bad. She's the one, and all I can think about is turning her froon upside doon. Task: Make Milhoose Turn on the Milhoose Charm (12h) Is that — back bacon cologne? Yes...cologne. But Lisa, this is nothing compared to your smile, which is sweeter than the finest beavertail. Oh, stop. So, you're from Canada? That's interesting, how do you like it there? It's colder than an Alberta summer when you're not around. Aw, you're sweet. Lisa, would you be interested in going to a hockey game with me tonight? The Saskatoon Marmots are in town, and it's sure to be a real gongshow. Hmm, I better not. Hockey tends to bring out the worst in me. Can we go hiking instead? Hiking in Springfield? More like a slightly sloped walk, I'd say. But with you, Lisa, I'd walk anywhere at any incline. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Loove At First Sight Pt. 4

After tapping on Milhoose's exclamation mark: The peak of Mount Springfield! Oh, she's a real beaut. But not nearly so much a beaut as you, Lisa. Hehe, stop. But please go on! Oh, you look cold. Take my tuque. What's a tuque? Oh, you mean your hat. Thank you, but won't you get cold? It's alright, I have another tuque here in my knapsack, along with some milk in a bag if you're thirsty. Well, it's getting late. We better start heading back. Okay. I took the liberty of arranging our transportation prior to our departure. Is that a moose-drawn carriage? Task: Make Milhoose Drive a Moose-drawn Carriage (4h, Simpson House or Brown House) Task: Make Lisa Take the Moose-drawn Carriage (4h, Simpson House or Brown House) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Loove At First Sight Pt. 5

After tapping on Milhoose's exclamation mark: A mountaintop moose carriage sure must have been expensive. Well, they were running a discount for couples, so I told them you were my spoose. I hope you don't mind. So...when do you have to head back to Canada? Tonight, unfortunately. My dad just called and grounded me for charging the moose to his credit card. Oh, no. That's terrible! Will I ever see you again? I was hoping we could try a long-distance relationship, eh? I suppose we could try it. Oh Lisa, you've made me happier than a hoser in a poutine factory. Is that very happy? Extremely. Now please, take this parting gift. It's vintage 2010. Task: Make Milhoose Give Lisa a Bottle of Maple Syrup (4h, Simpson House or Brown House) Quest reward: 200 and 20

A Squopping Good Time

A Squopping Good Time Pt. 1

After tapping on Milford Van Houten's exclamation mark: What in tarnation — where am I? Oh, great. Another one-off character digitally immortalized. What's worse than tertiary? Quaternary? What sort of bafflegab are you muttering, mountain boy? You are in Springfield. You've been summoned here by the Sky Finger. Sky Finger? Bah! More humbuggery. Worst catchphrase ever. And you are the proprietor of this here establishment? Which sells...sheets of confusing daguerreotypes? They're comic books. I've seen enough. Before I go, Comic Book Man— Guy. —would you be so kind as to point me towards the nearest railroad? Oh, the monorail? That's uh... *looking around* ...I swear I've seen it somewhere. Task: Make Milford Van Houten Look for the Nearest Railroad (4h, Town Hall or Brown House) Quest reward: 100 and 10

A Squopping Good Time Pt. 2

After tapping on Milford Van Houten's exclamation mark: Excuse me, miss, might I trouble you for some assistance? Milhouse? What's with the old-timey getup? *gasp* Oh my stars and stripes, it's an angel! This must be heaven! You need to work on your material, Milhouse. You've used the angel line before. And just what is a "Milhouse"? Wait, so you're not Milhouse? If you're going for the Milhouse look...you should really go for something else. By the way, I'm Lisa Simpson. Task: Make Milford Van Houten Be Both Shocked and Disgusted (8h, Town Hall or Brown House) Simpson?! Of the Melbourne Simpsons? Well, I did have some ancestors from Australia, like Eliza Simpson. But they were kicked out of Australia...that country founded by kicked-out people. Well I'll be. You're related to Eliza Simpson? She was my great-great-great grandaunt. Did you know her? She was the most terrible person I ever knew. Also, she was my wife. Wife? Wait, are you Milford? Milford Van Houten? Indeed I am. But I shan't be seen in this incarnation with the likes of another Simpson! I know how you must feel about Eliza, but please let me show you that not all Simpsons are like that! Well, considering the only two people I know here are you and that Comic Book Man, you may proceed. Quest reward: 100 and 10

A Squopping Good Time Pt. 3

After tapping on Milford Van Houten's exclamation mark: This is the Springfield soup kitchen, where I volunteer to feed the homeless every week. You take time out of your day to prepare a home-cooked meal for them? Well, someone else cooks it. I...put it on their plate for them. So basically, you're just a glorified handler. Noble. Yes, very noble indeed. No, you don't understand! I do a lot more than that! I believe I've seen all I need to see. It's clear to me now that all Simpsons are just full of horsefeathers. Now if you'll excuse me, I would like to spend eternity reading under that sarsaparilla tree. Task: Make Milford Van Houten Read Under the Sarsaparilla Tree (8h, Sarsaparilla Tree) Quest reward: 100 and 10

A Squopping Good Time Pt. 4

After tapping on Milford Van Houten's exclamation mark: Milford is out there thinking that I'm just as bad as Eliza. How can I convince him I'm a good person? Think, Lisa, think... Oh, I've got it! Hi, Milford. Whatcha reading? If you must know, it's sheets of confusing daguerreotypes called "How To Stay Married To A Double Crossin' Wench". Well, seeing as how you enjoy books so much, I thought I might take you to the Springfield Library. I suppose I could get my affairs in order to secure a borrowing rights card. Do they take three-cent nickels? Task: Make Milford Van Houten Go to the Springfield Library With Lisa (4h, Springfield Library or Brown House) Task: Make Lisa Take Milford to the Springfield Library (4h, Springfield Library or Brown House) Quest reward: 100 and 10

A Squopping Good Time Pt. 5

After tapping on Milford Van Houten's exclamation mark: Here we are, the Springfield Library! Why is your face all over this establishment? Oh, those? That's just because I've donated so many books. You donated books to the library? Well I do declare, that is indeed a most honorable act of generosity. Lisa, are you donating again?! You've already maxed out your extra credit for this month. Extra credit? Yes, every time Lisa donates a book to the library, she earns extra credit in school. I see. So, Lisa, donating these books wasn't about improving the library. It was only about improving your school evaluation. Every word out of your mouth is just plain applesauce. No, it was about both! It's a win-win, don't you see? I do believe we're done here. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play Tiddlywinks. Task: Make Milford Van Houten Excuse Himself (4h, Springfield Library or Brown House) Quest reward: 100 and 10

A Squopping Good Time Pt. 6

After tapping on Milford Van Houten's exclamation mark: Did you say Tiddlywinks? I love that game! We play it at home, although ours is called Tiddlywonks. My Dad bought a discount knock-off brand. You play Tiddlywinks? Well, Tiddlywonks. I'm not very good at it, but I still enjoy it, nonetheless. Well, mayhap we could play a round or two. Task: Make Milford Van Houten Play Tiddlywinks (4h, Springfield Library or Brown House) Task: Make Lisa Play Tiddlywinks With Milford Van Houten (4h, Springfield Library or Brown House) I must admit, you are quite talented at squopping! *giggles* Yes, I'm not very good at potting, so I have to play defensively. You know, I may have judged you a bit prematurely, Lisa. It appears you're not just full of fiddle-faddle. Now, if you'll excuse me...I'd like you to stay for a spell. Quest reward: 200 and 20

The Great Indoors

The Great Indoors Pt. 1

After tapping on Grandpa Van Houten's exclamation mark: Well, now that the missus is out of the picture, it's just me and the RV. I need to get away from all this craziness, ya know? Huh. Almost out of gas. Well, I'm sure Kirk would love a surprise visit while I wait for my next social security check. That's nice, sir. But there's quite a big line of cars forming behind you. Can I take your Krusty Burger order? Task: Make Grandpa Van Houten Place His Order (4h, Krusty Burger or Brown House) If the user has Squeaky Voice Teen: Task: Make Squeaky Voice Teen Ask Grandpa Van Houten to Move (4h, Krusty Burger or Brown House) Quest reward: 100 and 10

The Great Indoors Pt. 2

After tapping on Grandpa Van Houten's exclamation mark: Howdy, Kirk. I assume you heard about your mom and me getting a divorce? I did. I'm really sorry. I know exactly what you're going through, because of how Luann and I— Yeah, you've mentioned it. Anyways, you think I could crash here for a bit? Well, under normal circumstances that wouldn't be a problem. But Milhouse has tambourine practice later tonight and we can't have any distractions. Oh, I see. Well, I wouldn't want to get in the way. D'you think I could park the RV in your driveway and camp out in there for a bit? You can stay there as long as you need. Until the end of the week. Thanks, son. Ya think Milhouse might want to camp out in the backyard with his ol' gramps tonight? Oh, I'm sure he'd love that. You'll just need to tuck him into his snuggle bag... It hugs him tight all night, for when he doesn't have a mom around to do it. Did I mention that Luann and I— Yeah, you mentioned. Task: Make Grandpa Camp in Kirk's Backyard With Milhouse (4h, Van Houten House or Brown House) If the user has Milhouse: Task: Make Milhouse Camp in His Backyard With Grandpa (4h, Van Houten House or Brown House) Quest reward: 100 and 10

The Great Indoors Pt. 3

After tapping on Grandpa Van Houten's exclamation mark: This is gonna be so much fun! I LOVE camping! Milhouse, are you ready to experience the great outdoors with your old man's old man? Am I?! I already put my jammies on under my clothes! Can I collect the wood to get the fire started? No need, my boy. I've got all the heat we need right here. On the radiator of your RV? It cooks the hot dogs to perfection. And you don't even need a turnin' stick. Task: Make Grandpa Van Houten Roast Hot Dogs on the Radiator (4h, Grandpa Van Houten's RV) If the user has Milhouse: Task: Make Milhouse Roast Hot Dogs (4h, Grandpa Van Houten's RV, Van Houten House or Brown House) This is kind of taking a while. Yeah. Want to use the microwave? Can I press the buttons? Of course. Though it's a little bit complicated. You have to press Time Cook first, then choose the power level, then the length of time, then Time Cook again, then... Uh, you can just do it. Quest reward: 100 and 10

The Great Indoors Pt. 4

After tapping on Grandpa Van Houten's exclamation mark: Oh boy, I'm stuffed. I think I may have eaten one hot dog too many. Me too. Can we sit for a minute before we set up our tents? I can't move right now. How about we tell stories while we digest? That's a great idea! I can't wait to hear what crazy stories you have, Grandpa! Great! Now let's see. What story should I tell? Ah, of course... There was this young boy from Shelbyville. Or...was it a girl? Oh, no, I remember. It wasn't a boy or a girl... It was a werewolf, and he was from North Haverbrook. Well he originally was from Shelbyville, but he moved... Task: Make Grandpa Van Houten Attempt to Tell a Story (4h, Grandpa Van Houten's RV, Van Houten House or Brown House) If the user has Milhouse: Task: Make Milhouse Listen in Quiet Awe (4h, Grandpa Van Houten's RV, Van Houten House or Brown House) So why did he have to move from Shelbyville to North Haverbrook?! Taxes, I suppose. Say, all this storytelling has got me beat. Want to watch some TV inside the RV for a bit while I rest my throat? Sure! If we hurry, we can catch the latest episode of Battling Seizure Robots! Quest reward: 100 and 10

The Great Indoors Pt. 5

After tapping on Grandpa Van Houten's exclamation mark: So, what's the point of this show again? Well, the bad guy robots shoot lasers like this *makes machine gun noises* but the good guy robots shoot lasers like this *makes laser noises*. I see. You know, it's gonna be dark soon. We should probably start setting up our tents. Okay but do you think you could give me a hand with mine? They don't call me the Great Outdoors Van Houten fer nothin'! They call you that? No, I said they DON'T call me that. Not fer nothin'. It looks like the assembly instructions are in Chinese. *screams* I just saw a bee! I'm allergic to bees. How about we just sleep in the RV for tonight? Way ahead of you, Grandpa. Task: Make Grandpa Van Houten Sleep in the RV (4h, Grandpa Van Houten's RV) If the user has Milhouse: Task: Make Milhouse Sleep in the RV (4h, Grandpa Van Houten's RV) Boy, nothing beats camping outdoors! I feel so refreshed. And it's just great to unplug for a while, you know? *turns off TV* I know exactly how you feel, Milhouse. Experiencing the outdoors is just good for the soul. Oh, I forgot to hookup the RV to the septic tank. That last flush must have emptied right onto your Dad's driveway. I think I'll teach a class on how to survive in the wilderness... Quest reward: 200 and 20

Marine One Gil Deal

After tapping on Gil's Secretary Van Houten mark: Here's the show-stopping chopper that's gonna make ol' Gil a sales chart-topper. I've only got one, and it's number one. Marine One to be exact. It's that guy we found sleeping under the Coolidge Gazebo in the Rose Garden. Get him! Hey, I can sleep on government property! I pay my taxes! Or I would if I ever had any income! *guns drawn* Step away from the Sky Finger. Whattaya say? Buy the whirlybird and keep Gil from being a jailbird? On offer accepted: Hail to the Chief! Ol' Gil's doin' the West Wing Ring-a-Ding-Ding! Mind if I spend a few nights in the back seat before the commission comes in? On offer declined: You're gonna veto the sale, huh? Ol' Gil better use my connections to stay out of stir. Do you Secret Service guys know the Man with the Football? I sold him his first briefcase handcuffs...

Damage Control

Damage Control Pt. 1

After tapping on Secretary Van Houten's exclamation mark: Madam President, the latest approval numbers are in. You don't have to keep calling me Madam President. We've known each other since we were in diapers. Perhaps not as long ago as we'd like to admit. Really? Anyway, about your approval rating — it's twice as high as any president in the last thirty-five years. A whopping 51%! I'm glad to hear it. Though, it's concerning that so few Americans have been satisfied with their president in such a long time. Well, the rise of the Civil Unrest Party caused the Global Dominators to kill off the New Feudalists and opened the door for the We the Party People party. I'm well aware of our nation's history, Milhouse. Now, was there anything else? I was thinking you might want to show your gratitude with an address to the nation. Good idea. Let's fit it in between golfing with the Sino-Soviet trade delegation and parasailing with the ambassador to the Magic Kingdom. Task: Make Secretary Van Houten Prepare Lisa's Speech (4h, U.S. Capitol Building, Town Hall or Brown House) If the user has President Lisa: Task: Make President Lisa Prepare for Her Speech (4h) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Damage Control Pt. 2

After tapping on Secretary Van Houten's exclamation mark: Secretary Van Houten. May I have a moment? Who are you? A nameless lackey with ties to the deep state. But the deep state doesn't exist. And if you want to keep it that way, you'll listen to what I have to say. Our oppo research has revealed that you have a thing for the president. What — No! Who told you that? Relax, I'm only here to help. Now, here's the proposition... Task: Make Secretary Van Houten Listen to the Proposition (4h, U.S. Capitol Building, Town Hall or Brown House) You really think that would work? Absolutely. My source has assured me that the president is extremely fond of public displays of affection during nationally televised speeches. That seems like an awfully specific piece of intelligence. Who is your source? I could tell you that, but then I'd have to kill you. Oh, God please no, don't tell me, don't tell me! Uh...that was just an expression. Anyway, we just want to see the president "happy". Well, when you put it in oddly menacing quotation marks...it sounds like a great idea! Quest reward: 100 and 10

Damage Control Pt. 3

After tapping on Secretary Van Houten's exclamation mark: My fellow Americans, you honor me and my administration with your historic high marks and praise. I'd like to particularly thank the donors who gave the maximum amount below what is required for public disclosure. Madam President, we have a situation. Not now, Milhouse, can't you see I'm in the middle of a speech? Exactly. *lifts boombox over his head* President Lisa, I love you. Will you marry me? Are you insane? Is that a yes?! Ugh, it's a hard no! Not in a million years! Ahem. Apologies for the interruption. Now where was I? Oh yes, when I took over the presidency, America was a global embarrassment. I felt that pain then, and I REALLY feel it right now... Task: Make Secretary Van Houten Wallow in Shame (4h, U.S. Capitol Building, Town Hall or Brown House) If the user has President Lisa: Task: Make President Lisa Be Embarrassed (4h, U.S. Capitol Building, Town Hall or Brown House) Milhouse! What has gotten into you? How could you embarrass me like that on national television? I'm sorry, Lisa. I got some bad intel. What can I do to help? Call a cabinet meeting. I need the Secretary of Social Media and the Deputy Director for Trending Hashtags to advise me on #omgshebmean. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Damage Control Pt. 4

After tapping on Secretary Van Houten's exclamation mark: Walking briskly down long hallways in the West Wing is the perfect place to think... I need to do something. I got Lisa into this situation, so it's up to me to bail her out... I've got it! Task: Make Secretary Van Houten Twirl His Sign (8h) It's no use. This sign twirling gets less attention than climate change. Hey you! You're the guy who told me to propose to Lisa on camera! Easy there, guy. I never told you to propose. Although it was absolutely hilarious the way she turned you down. I haven't laughed that hard since the day we shot that Go-Go Ray at Skinner. Bart?! Is that you? Took ya long enough to guess. You're more gullible than CIA Director Ralph Wiggum. How could you do that to me? I humiliated myself in front of the whole country. More importantly, you humiliated Lisa. I just needed her taken down a peg. Mom's been going on and on about her since those approval ratings came in. I couldn't get her to make me a quesadilla last night. She wanted ME to do it so she could watch Lisa's stupid speech. Can you believe that? Quest reward: 100 and 10

Damage Control Pt. 5

After tapping on Secretary Van Houten's exclamation mark: You put Milhouse up to this? Bart, do you understand the ramifications of what you've done?! Relax, Lis. This'll all blow over by the next news cycle. Which is in three...two...one... *panting* Lisa...you're not...going to...believe it... What now? Your approval rating...shot up...to 78%! That's higher than the day President Gaga pushed Jeff Zuckerberg out of Air Force One. How is that possible? Probably because you turned down a lame-o like Milhouse. It's true! All of the pundits attribute your approval increase to everyone's disapproval of me! Isn't that great? I fixed it! So, since your approval rating is now the highest in history, how about a kiss? Well, we wouldn't want to upset the voters, would we, Milhouse? Uh, right. Okay. I'll just go sit in the Situation Room and listen to the rest of that song on my boombox. Task: Make Secretary Van Houten Listen to His Boombox (4h, Marine One or Brown House) Quest reward: 200 and 20

The Hardest Place to Add Mass

The Hardest Place to Add Mass Pt. 1

After tapping on Muscular Milhouse's exclamation mark: Work those legs! Crunch those abs! Gun those lattes! Double check that thesaurus! Gun those lats! Task: Make Muscular Milhouse Gun His Lats (4h) Quest reward: 100 and 10

The Hardest Place to Add Mass Pt. 2

After tapping on Muscular Milhouse's exclamation mark: Hey there, chicken legs. Who you calling chicken legs?! Why you, of course. Pencil neck. Dough butt. Rubber teeth. All these insults apply to you. Oh yeah! How can I ever earn the respect of a famous beer mascot like you? Have you considered calf implants? Implants? Pfft, no one actually does those. How do you think I got these puppies? Are they calves or puppies? I'm gonna add "donkey brain" to the list of insults. Oh yeah! Task: Make Muscular Milhouse Ogle Duffman's Calves (4h, All Night Gym, Lugash's Gym or Brown House) If the user has Duffman: Task: Make Duffman Model His Artificial Calves (4h, All Night Gym, Lugash's Gym or Brown House) Wow. I never would have suspected those were fake. So are my abs, pecs and shoulders. Duffman is sixty percent implants. Oh yeah! Who did you go to? Duffman went to Dr. Nick. Duffman's calves look great, but they're made of Playdough. Playdough, huh? I think I'll give Dr. Hibbert a call. Quest reward: 100 and 10

The Hardest Place to Add Mass Pt. 3

After tapping on Muscular Milhouse's exclamation mark: Ah, well if it isn't little Milhouse. Who you callin' little?! Easy, Milhouse. I'm guessing you're experiencing irrational irritability because of testosterone injections. And that you're here for more testosterone injections. *chuckles* What? No, I'm here for calf implants. I need to get swole. Oh, that's not really something I'd recommend for a seventeen-year-old, no matter how irrational or irritable. I am not irrational! Or Irritable! And I just turned eighteen!! I've had like twenty birthday parties!!! Task: Make Muscular Milhouse Go on a Rampage (8h) Quest reward: 100 and 10

The Hardest Place to Add Mass Pt. 4

After tapping on Muscular Milhouse's exclamation mark: Eh, what's the point. All this destruction isn't going to embiggen my calves. Although I did just TOTALLY blast my quads! Excuse me, exceptionally muscular boy-sir. I couldn't help but notice that you are very good at handling trash cans. You want me to take the garbage out at the Kwik-E-Mart? No, I want you to protect it from would-be attackers. But if you could take out the garbage, that would be nice too. Would-be attackers? You mean like robbers with guns? Nobody move! This is totally a stickup. Ah, yes. Mr. Snake. Right on time. And speaking of a stickup, I have hired this muscle-bound manchild to shove this stick up your— Enough! You picked the wrong Kwik-E-Mart on the wrong day. Leg day! Task: Make Muscular Milhouse Weakly Kick Snake (4h, Kwik-E-Mart or Brown House) Yo was that a joke, chicken legs? That kick was slower than Wiggum's response time. It was thinner than Duff Lite. It was weaker than— I get it, you're not impressed. Moving on. Quest reward: 100 and 10

The Hardest Place to Add Mass Pt. 5

After tapping on Muscular Milhouse's exclamation mark: There's got to be someone in this town that needs my muscles. I could use someone like you. You could? Yes indeed. In my line of work, we can always use muscle. It's even its own job description. What do you need? Well, you see, some associates of mine are tired from lugging around my...area rugs. I need to hire someone to help share the load... Preferably someone with an alibi for Tuesday night. You interested? Am I! I love a good rug. It really brings the room together. Task: Make Muscular Milhouse Throw "Rugs" Over the Bridge (4h, Rickety Bridge, Covered Bridge or Brown House) Excellent work. I hope those rugs learned their lesson to always pay back what they owe. Plus the 125% vig. Uh, speaking of payment? Of course. I am now in your debt. Should you ever need any services performed by anyone unwilling to perform them, I can provide irrefutable elements of persuasion. Meaning? You need anybody leaned on, just ask. Quest reward: 100 and 10

The Hardest Place to Add Mass Pt. 6

After tapping on Muscular Milhouse's exclamation mark: Well, Milhouse. Thanks to Fat Tony, you have your new calf implants, and my access to black market stimulants has been restored. Thanks, Doc. After I tore up your office I thought you'd never do that operation for me. Oh, I didn't do the operation. Hey, everybody! Hey, Dr. Nick. Now stay off those legs for at least two weeks! Just enough time for the Playdough to harden and for you to binge watch Liger Queen. Task: Make Muscular Milhouse Watch TV (4h, Hibbert Family Practice, Springfield General Hospital or Brown House) Tonight, on Eye on Springfield: Are muscular men more attractive to women? In a recent poll, a shocking 95% of women say they can't stand muscular calves on a man. Noooooo! In other news, Playdough announced the recall of a toxic batch of its signature product... The announcement was made at the Springfield Factory — shown here as local toddler Maggie Simpson floats helplessly above... Quest reward: 200 and 20