Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?/Quotes
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028
"Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
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- [Homer gives the dinner blessing.]
- Homer: And we thank you Lord, for nuclear power which has yet to cause one fatality, at least in this country.
- [Homer visits his hospitalized father.]
- Abraham: This made me realize my days are numbered, so I need to reveal a secret. Homer, you have a half-brother.
- Homer: I have a brother?! Wow, how come it took you so long to tell me?
- Abraham: It all began before you were born..
- [Many years ago, presumably the 1950s. A much younger Abraham is at a carnival.]
- Abraham: I was at a traveling carnival checking out all the skirts when I saw her.
- Female carnie: Hey handsome, want to "dunk the clown"?
- Abraham: She was captivating, like a stick of dynamite with a hair bow. We hit it off right away.
- [One year later. The female carnival worker's carefree smile is now replaced by a depressed frown.]
- Abraham: A year later the carnival was back. She was older and handed me a three-month old baby boy. I gave the baby up for adoption and moved on with my life; marrying your mother.
- [Scenes of Abraham and Mona's wedding, then skips to Mona giving birth to baby Homer.]
- Mona: Abraham, listen to me. I want Homer to have a good life, and not to learn of the shameful act you committed before he was born.
- [Present day. Abraham realizes he broke his promise to Mona.]
- Abraham: Doh!
- [Shelbyville Orphanage. Homer meets with a man who bears a striking resemblance to Dr. Hibbert, but has a mustache.]
- Director of Shelbyville Orphanage: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.
- Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?
- Director: Hmm. According to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.
- Homer: Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great, where can I find him?
- Director: I'm sorry...I'm not allowed to release that information.
- Homer: Oh, please, please! This is my life we're talking about here! Please!
- Director: Well, I--I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all your brother could be anywhere. Even Detroit.
- Homer: I know he could be anywhere, that's why I want you to narrow it down for me! Please!
- Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of brotherly love is not Philadelphia. It is...Detroit.
- Homer: Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever--
- Director: Read between the lines, you fool!
- Homer: Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
- Director: Mr. Simpson, I don't want your--
- Homer: Just take it and tell me!
- Director: Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
- Homer: Fine! Thank you!
- [Homer and Lisa obtain a Detroit phone book. They cross out the names of each "Herbert Powell" they try, but keep crossing their fingers. Marge then comes into room and see a glum Homer and Lisa.]
- Marge: Any luck, Homie?
- Homer: No, I called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit. Nothing.
- Marge: Hmm...well, you wanna try that H. Powell?
- Homer: H.! Of course! That could stand for Herbert! It's a long shot but...
- [Homer dials the number for H. Powell. A man at the Powell residence answers.]
- Man: Hello?
- Homer: Are you H. Powell?
- Man: Yes.
- Homer: And does, by chance, that H stand for Herbert?
- H. Powell: Yes, it does.
- Homer: If I may ask, were you an adopted at birth?
- Herbert Powell: Yes I was in fact, why do you ask?
- Homer: Because my name is Homer Simpson, and I am your long-lost half-brother!
- [Silence at other end]
- Homer: Hello. Hello?
- Herbert: I am here. Just needed a moment to absorb this.
- Homer: Well, brother, grab the next plane to Springfield, because we have a lot of catching up to do!
- Herb: Tell you what Homer, why don't you come to me?
- [Powell residence pans out to show it is a luxurious mansion.]
- Herb: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home. Anytime you're hungry, anytime day or night, Cook will make you anything you want.
- : Even pork chops?
- Herb: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room--
- Homer: You mean, if I want pork chops, even in the middle of the night, your guy will fry 'em up?
- Herb: Sure. That's what he's paid for. Now, if you need towels, laundry--
- Homer: Wait!
- Herb: Maids--
- Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Let me see if I've got this straight. It's Christmas Day, 4:00 a.m., there's a rumble in my stomach--
- Marge: Homer, please!
- Herb: Your old man sure loves pork chops!
- Bart: He sure does, Uncle Herb.
- Lisa: I want to go on a pony ride!
- Bart: I want to go on a boat ride!
- Lisa: Pony ride!
- Bart: Boat ride!
- [Scene cuts to Herb's yacht, where Lisa is riding a pony around the deck and Bart is looking through a telescope.]
- Herb: Kids are so easy to please.
- Marge: Herb, please do not think I am ungrateful for all you are doing for us, but I am just concerned we may be spoiling the kids.
- [Powell Motors. Herb shows Homer the entire line of Powell vehicles.]
- Herb: OK Homer, pick any one of these.
- Homer: You are giving me a car? But Herb, are these not expensive?
- Herb: [chuckling] Come on Homer, there is at a maximum only forty dollars worth of steel in each of these things! So which one do you want?
- Homer: None.
- Herb: Why not?
- Homer: I do not like any of them.
- Herb: Why not?
- Homer: They do not look that flashy.
- Executive #1: Sir, Americans do not like flashy cars. They want plain, economical vehicles.
- Homer: And they do not look like they can tear up the road.
- Executive #2: Sir, Americans do not want cars that are burners. They want good gas mileage.
- Herb: [enraged] Americans do not want that?! Homer, what country do you come from?
- Homer: America.
- Herb: You hear that, you buffoons? America! That is exactly why our business is going down the tubes! You are not providing people with what they want; you are telling them what they want! Homer, I want you to help me design a car that will appeal to the people of this country. I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
- Homer: And I want to let you!
- [Powell Motors. A motivated Homer returns after a pep talk from Herb.]
- Homer: All right, listen up! We are going to design a car! First things first, cup holders! Do any of you drink the Big One coffee from Kwik-E-Mart?
- Engineer #1: I do.
- Homer: OK, so you see how most cup holders are teeny! They should be this big! Next, antennae balls! How many of you had problems finding your car?
- Engineer #2: I have.
- Homer: So you know what I mean. Those should be on every car! Next up, horns. I want a horn here, here, and here! You can never find a good horn when you are mad! And they should all play La Cucaracha! Moving on, how about when you are on a long trip and the kids will not shut up?
- Engineer #3: How about a built in video game?
- Homer: You are fired!
- Engineer #4: A bubble dome that will isolate the kids?
- Homer: Bullseye!
- [Detroit Zoo. Herb has bribed the zookeeper for Bart and Lisa to get a close look at the penguin exhibit.]
- Sign: ONLY EMPLOYEES ALLOWED PAST THIS POINT.
- Bart: Woo hoo!
- Lisa: [talking to a penguin] Do you miss the Antarctic?
- Marge: Now that is spoiling them!
- Homer: Gee Herb, because of me you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you would've been better off if I never came into your life.
- Herb: Maybe I would've been better off? Maybe!? Why you sponge head—Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!
- Marge: Hmm, maybe he said it to make conversation.
- Lisa: His life was an unbridled success until he found out he was a Simpson
- [Driving back to Springfield. Entire Simpson family is asleep in car save for Homer, who is driving, and Bart.]
- Bart: Dad?
- Homer: Yes, Bart?
- Bart: I thought that was a really cool car you designed.
- Homer: Thanks boy, I was waiting for someone to say that.
- Road sign: YOU ARE NOW LEAVING MICHIGAN.
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