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The War of the Simpsons/Quotes

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Season 2 Episode Quotes
032 "Lisa's Substitute"
"The War of the Simpsons"
"Three Men and a Comic Book" 034

Barney: [to Patty] "Hey! You're Homer's sister-in-law, right? I remember you. But I don't remember you being so beau[burp]tiful!"
[She sprays him in the eyes with Mace]
Barney: "Oh, ow, hey, [burp] [cough] Is that a new kind of Mace? It's really painful!"

Bart: Grampa! Mom was in such a hurry she forgot to give you this. It's a list of the things Lisa and I can and can't do.
Grampa: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You're allowed to smoke cigars?

Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate?
Bart: Check.
Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge?
Bart: Check.
Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate dish?
Bart: Yep.
Grampa: Did your mom really write that shopping list?
Lisa: Grampa, what a question.
Bart: What's next, Lis?
Lisa: Sprinkles and syrup.
Bart: Hey Grampa, aisle 6 and step on it.
Grampa: Alright, but put out that cigar.

McBain: But, captain, I can't avenge my partner's death with the pea shooter.
Captain: I don't wanna hear it, McBain – tha-that cannon of yours is against regulations! In this department, we go by the book. [McBain fires part of the book through the wall]
McBain: Bye, book.

Bait Shop Clerk: Yep, 'General Sherman'. They say he's five hundred pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me (and most people do), he's hundred years if he's a day.
Customer: And uh no one's ever caught him?
Bait Shop Clerk: Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel, cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red like the fires of Hell...
Season 2 Quotes
Bart Gets an "F" Simpson and Delilah Treehouse of Horror Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish Dancin' Homer Dead Putting Society Bart vs. Thanksgiving Bart the Daredevil Itchy & Scratchy & Marge Bart Gets Hit by a Car One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish The Way We Was Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment Principal Charming Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? Bart's Dog Gets an "F" Old Money Brush with Greatness Lisa's Substitute The War of the Simpsons Three Men and a Comic Book Blood Feud