Funeral for a Fiend/Quotes
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- Sideshow Bob: Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on! [turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally] This time I've made no mistakes.
- Lisa: Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."
- Sideshow Bob: Yes, I'm sure you've studied the immortal bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover." [leaves and shuts the door]
- Lisa: Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.
- Sideshow Bob: [re-enters] I shall! [takes the laptop] Come on, Wikipedia. Load, you unwieldy behemoth!
- [Laptop explodes, Bob falls to the ground]
- Sideshow Bob: "Hoist on his own petard."
- Lisa: It's "hoist with his own petard."
- Sideshow Bob: Oh, get a life.
- Sideshow Bob: Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge.
- Homer: I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant!
- Sideshow Bob: I'm Wes Doobner!
- Homer: Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard and when I go out with my family I expect a certain level of basic--
- Sideshow Bob: Shut up!
- Kent Brockman: America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billie the Kid. Bonnie and Clyde. Jesus Christ.
- [Krusty plays the piano and sings in mourning at Sideshow Bob's funeral.]
- Krusty: [singing] Farewell, Sideshow Bob
- Your shoes are empty and the stage is dark.
- Bart stole your nitroglycerin
- And then your heart, it barked.
- And it seems to me your loyal fans
- Oughta buy this DVD
- [Holds up a Best of Sideshow Bob DVD]
- Of all your best-loved sketches
- On The Krusty Show.
- It's full of extra features
- And deleted scenes.
- Like when you fell and split your pants
- And we saw your Frank and Beans.
- [At Cirucit Circus]
- Homer: [to Bart] Now ignore all the fancy shmancy thingamajigs, boy. We're just gonna get a camera battery and go home.
- Salesman #1: Interested in a car stereo?
- Homer: No, thanks. Just here for a battery.
- Salesman #2: Big special on camcorders!
- Homer: All I want is a battery.
- Saleswoman: Care to make love, sir?
- Homer: Battery, battery, battery!
- [At Sideshow Bob's trial]
- Sideshow Bob: Your Honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I did try to kill the Simpsons. I truly did.
- [The entire courtroom gasps in shock]
- Prosecutor: [to Homer and Marge] Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.
- Sideshow Bob: But--
- Prosecutor: Damn!
- [The family watches a commercial for a new restaurant]
- Wes Doobner: Howdy, folks! Are tired of family arguments over where to go for dinner?
- Homer: Sometimes I think about gettin' on a bus and never comin' back.
- Wes Doobner: Why not try Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts? The rib joint with somethin' for everyone!
- Homer: Good luck with my finicky appetite!
- Wes Doobner: We've got ribs--
- Homer: Sold!
- Wes Doobner: Plain noodles.
- [Marge sighs]
- Wes Doobner: With butter.
- Marge: Yowza!
- Wes Doobner: Texas tofu!
- Lisa: Yummy, yumma!
- Wes Doobner: And the easiest place mat puzzle in the state.
- Bart: Let me at it!
- [Lisa explains how she figured out Sideshow Bob's scheme on the way to save Bart at the funeral home]
- Lisa: Bob planned this from the beginning.
- Homer: Uh-huh.
- Lisa: He wanted to be captured at the restaurant.
- Homer: Yes.
- Lisa: He would never get a Shakespeare quote wrong.
- Homer:No.
- Lisa: His mother was a Shakespearian actress.
- Homer: Oh, yeeh!
- Lisa: His father was a doctor.
- Homer: A doctor, huh?
- Lisa: So when Bob collaspsed in the courtroom...
- Homer: I remember.
- Lisa: ...his father could take that opportunity to inject Bob with a powerful drug that simulated death.
- Homer: Uh-huh.
- Lisa: It was a diabolical scheme and every member of his family played a part!
- Homer: Are you done? 'Cause I've been circling the funeral home for 10 minutes.
- Lisa: [Begrudgingly] Yes.
- [The Simpsons enter the church to say farewell to Sideshow Bob]
- Homer: I don't know about you, but I still can't stand him. [echoes] I still can't stand him, I still can't stand him.
- [Everyone gasps]
- Homer: I don't care about these church jerks [echoes]
- Marge: Homer, you're behaviour is hanus. [echoes] Anus, anus, anus.
