Difference between revisions of "Homer Badman/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 17:18, February 22, 2020

Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we do believe in you, we really do.

Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.

Homer: [at the candy convention] Ooh! I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.

Bart: Can I come to the candy show, huh, huh? Can I, can I? Huh, huh, huh? Can I? Can I?

Lisa: No, me! Take me, me, me, me, me, me! Take me, me!

Homer: Sorry, kids, but this is the one event I want my darling wife by my side.

Marge: Oh, well thank you, Homer, but take one of the kids.

Homer: Marge, they can't carry enough candy! They have puny little muscles, not big ropy ones like you.

Marge: Mmm...

Bart: You go, Mom, for the greater good.

Lisa: For the greater good.

Apu: [to Homer] Hey. Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to... ask you nicely again.

Homer: I can't say titmouse without giggling like a schoolgirl. [starts giggling like a schoolgirl] Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.

Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything. To move under the sea. It's not going to happen!

Homer: Not with that attitude.

Ashley Grant: You grabbed me in the car!

Homer: Oh that, no. I was just grabbing a gummy Venus De Milo that got stuck to your pants.

Protester: Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book.

Protesters: Two, four, six, eight, Homer's crime was very great! "Great" meaning large or immense, we use it in the pejorative sense!

[to protesters]

Smithers: You people can't be in here!

Homer: It's ok, they're with me.

Homer: Ooh, Gummi bears! Gummi calves' heads! Gummi jaw breakers!

[sees a Gummi figure rotating on a red pillow in a glass case]

Homer: [lustily] Ohh...What's that?

Man: That is the rarest Gummi of them all, the Gummi Venus de Milo, carved by Gummi artisans who work exclusively in the medium of Gummi.

Marge: Will you two stop saying "Gummi" so much?

Kent Brockman: [on TV] Simpson scandal update - Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tank which he believes gives him sexual powers.

Homer: Hey, that's a half-truth!

Squeaky-voiced teen: Yes, I am interested in long distance savings. Very interested!

[Homer flips through channels, but all of them are making jokes about him. He turns to Channel Ocho]

Bumblebee Man: Ay yi yi! Es Homer Simpson! Me ha molestado!

Homer: [talking to himself] Oh, I like it better when they're making fun of people who aren't me. Oh, I know! Evening at the Improv! They never talk about anything past the 1980s!

[Homer selects that TV show. Comedian is shown]

Comedian: OK, so let us say Mr. T and E.T. had a baby. They could call it: Mr. E.T! And it could say something like this...

Comedian: [impersonating Mr. T] I pity the fool that don't... [impersonating E.T.]...phone home!

[Audience laughs, as does Homer, who is now cheered up]

Homer: [talking to himself] He he! Boy, I sure would not want to be Mr. T right now!

[In an edited version of his interview with Godfrey Jones, the splices can be told because the clock in the background keeps changing times.]

Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on / her / sweet can... / so I grabbed / her / sweet can... / Ohhhh, just thinking about / her / can... / I just wish I had / her / sweet, sweet / s/s/sweet can...

Godfrey: So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? [we see a still video shot of Homer looking lustful] Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further! [the frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in] No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson! NOOOO!

[freeze frames on the screaming Godfrey]

Announcer: Dramatization may not have happened.

Marge: There are only 49 stars on that flag.

Grampa: I'll be deep in the cold cold ground before I recognize Missour-ah!

Bart: Why would anyone want to touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from!

Bart: Aw, damn FDA! Why can't it all be marshmallows?

Lisa: Ew! Bart, don't put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box. They go in the trash!

Marge: [when the doorbell rings] Oh, that's the babysitter. No one in town will sit for you two any more. I had to choose between a grad student at the university and a scary-looking hobo.

Bart: [goes to answer door] Please the hobo, please the hobo, please the hobo.. [opens it]

Ashley: Hi, I'm Ashley Grant.

Bart: [groans] Oh...

Lisa: [gasps] Ashley Grant! You gave a talk on women's issues at my school on how we don't have to be second-class citizens.

Bart: Mom! How can you leave us with this maniac?

Homer: Hurry, Marge! If we get there early we can get our pictures taken with the two surviving Musketeers! [drags here]

Marge: There's also a baby somewhere upstairs...ooh! [leaves]

Bart: [to Ashley] So, you're one of those "Don't call me a chick" chicks, huh?

Lisa: Ehh, sorry about my unenlightened brother. He will make the next few hours a living hell.

Ashley: Oh, I don't know. See this, Bart? [dangles a "Disembowler IV" video game cartridge]

Bart: "Disembowler IV": the game where condemned criminals dig at each other with rusty hooks.

Ashley: Mm hmm. Do a little housework and you can play for 5 minutes.

Bart: No way. [turns away, but has to turn back] Argh! Yes, 'm.

Ashley: See, Lisa? Males aren't hard to tame. They all follow their video cartridges.

Homer: Hey kids! Lots of candy left for breakfast.

[Bart and Lisa groan.]

Marge: Why don't we give it to some needy children then?

[Bart and Lisa groan again, lie on candy, eat it slowly.]

Lisa: Dad, I don't understand. What is she saying you did?

Homer: Well, Lisa, remember that postcard Grampa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom?

Bart: Oh, yeah, that was brilliant !

Homer: That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong: that alligator was sexually harassing the woman.

Bart: And the dog in the Coppertone ad? Same deal, Dad?

Homer: Well, there's kind of a grey area.

Marge: Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over.

[Helicopters swoop over the house; news vans pull up.]

Homer: It didn't blow over, Marge. Nothing ever blows over for me.

Announcer: Today on "Ben": mothers and runaway daughters reunited by their hatred of Homer Simpson. And here's your host, Gentle Ben.

[A bear wearing a helmet with a microphone runs out.]

Woman 1: I just have one thing to say: let's have less Homer Simpson and more money for public schools.

[Audience applauses; Ben growls.]

Woman 2: Ben, I have a question --

[Ben runs over to the tables filled with food.]

Man: No, Ben, no!

[Ben swats him away; men shoot tranquilizers into him.]

Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we do believe in you, we really do.

Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.

Homer: Oh, maybe TV is right. TV's always right! [walks upstairs]

[Bart and Lisa hug the TV.]

Homer: [from upstairs] Are you hugging the TV?!

Bart & Lisa: No... [they kiss it]

Marge: Homer! Homer, the kids have a great idea how you can clear your name.

Lisa: The media's making a monster out of you because they don't care about the truth! All they care about is entertainment. Well, you need a forum where they don't even know the meaning of the word "entertainment": public access television.

Homer: Aw, but those shows all look so crummy.

Marge: Well we could dress it up a bit... we can bring a fern, and a folding chair from the garage, and the most decorative thing of all: the truth!

Lisa: And now it's time for the Innocence Report with Homer Simpson. [holds sign: "Innocence Report"]

Homer: Hello. I am Homer Simpson, or as some of you wags have dubbed me, Father Goose. You know, everybody believed the worst about me right away; nobody cares that I didn't do it. But I didn't! OK, look: I've done some bad things in my life, but harassing women is not one of them. [softly] Like one time, we were having this race with the stupid old tiny bicycle with the big wheel in front, so I figure, "We'll see about that!" So I get this big chunk of cinderblock, and... [Marge makes a choking noise] Oh, gotta go. [walks off; pops head back on] Innocent!

Homer: [stirring a bowl] Aw, Marge, this is so depressing, my only hope is this homemade Prozac. [tastes it] Mmm, needs more ice cream.

Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything. To move under the sea. It's not going to happen!

Homer: Not with that attitude.

Ashley: Hmm. Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man. I guess she was right.

Homer: You're both right.