Difference between revisions of "Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment/Quotes"

Revision as of 22:54, June 9, 2017

Homer: Family, I have an important announcement. The Simpsons have cable!

Bart & Lisa{in unison}: Cable!

Bart and Lisa rush over to TV.

Homer: MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, it has everything Marge.

Marge: But Homer, are you sure we can afford this?

Homer: Nothing a month? I think we can swing that!

Bart: Hell, Hell, Hell...

Bart: (about Hell) Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?

Mrs. Albright: Yes, Bart?

Bart: Are there pirates in Hell?

Mrs. Albright: Yes, thousands of them.

Bart: (rubs hands) Hoo hoo, baby!

Master bedroom. Homer and Marge argue about the illegal cable.

Marge: Homer, this illegal cable hookup is wrong. If you really want cable in this house we ought to subscribe to it.

Homer: I cannot afford it!

Marge: But Homer, I’m afraid that cable has become an evil presence in our home.

Homer{sternly}: Marge, I never put my foot down about anything.

Marge: No--

Homer: But I am severely tempted to do it over this. (Raises foot)

Marge: Oh, Homer.

Homer: Marge, I’m sorry. I think it’s coming down.

Marge: No, Homer! Not--

Homer: (Sticks foot over floor) It’s coming down. My foot, it’s--

Marge: No!

Homer: That’s it, Marge. The cable stays. The foot has spoken. (Slams foot down)

(Bart and the family watch TV.)

Bart: Oh, cool! This is where “Jaws” eats the boat! … Man, this is where “Die Hard” jumps through the window. … (Laughs) Whoa! This is where “Wall Street” gets arrested! (Chuckles)

Ned Flanders [about the cable TV man]: I should box your ears, you, you, you SNEAKY PETE!

Homer [reading the "So You've Decided to Steal Cable" pamphlet]: So you've decided to steal cable. Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations, which makes it okay.

(When Marge and the kids come home from shopping.)

Homer: Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable!

Bart and Lisa: Cable!? (they excitedly clamour in front of the TV.)

Homer: That's right, 68 channels. MTV for the kids, (to Marge) VH-1 for us. Sixteen hundred hours of quality programming, every day!

Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before. Do you really think we can afford it?

Homer: (chuckles) Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.

Marge: Mmm. Are you sure this is legal?

Homer: Don't worry, Marge. Take a look at this. (hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So, You've Decided To Steal Cable.")

Marge: (Reads from pamphlet) "Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less, and are repeated ad nauseam."

Bart [watching cable TV]: Oh, cool! This is where “Jaws” eats the boat! [later] Man, this is where “Die Hard” jumps through the window. (laughs) [later] Whoa! This is where “Wall Street” gets arrested! (chuckles)

Reverend Lovejoy: Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God. He thinks he's got it made. He's got his hi-fi. His boob tube. And his instant pizza-pie.

Miss Allbright: Today's topic will be Hell.

Kids: Ooh.

Bart: All right. I sat through Mercy and I sat through Forgiveness. Finally, we get to the good stuff.

Miss Allbright: Hell is a terrible place. Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket, there's a lake of fire burning with sulfur. You'll be tormented day and night for ever and ever. As a matter of fact, if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened, you would die.

Bart: [raises his hand] Oh, Miss Allbright.

Miss Allbright: Yes, Bart.

Bart: Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?

Miss Allbright: No.

Bart: [raises his hand]

Miss Allbright: Yes, Bart.

Bart: Are there pirates in hell?

Miss Allbright: Yes. Thousands of them.

Bart: [rubs his hands] Hoo hoo, baby!

Marge [asks the kids about Sunday school: So, what did you children learn about today?

Bart: Hell.

Homer: Bart!

Bart: Well, that's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't tell you we learned about hell unless I say "hell," can I?

Homer: Eh, The lad has a point.

Bart: Hell, yes!

Marge: Bart!

Bart: (singing) Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.

Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear!

Satan: Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Heh heh. It won't cost you a thing ... EXCEPT YOUR SOUL!

Lisa: [screams and runs out]

Marge: What's gotten into Lisa? Bart: Beats the hell out of me! Homer: Bart!

[while Marge and Lisa are at the supermarket; Marge takes a grape and eats it]

Lisa: Mom, what are you doing?

Marge: What, what do you mean?

Lisa: Don't you remember the eighth commandment?

Marge: Oh, of course. It's thou shalt not um not covet, um, graven images, something about covet...

Lisa: [shouts] THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!!!

Lisa: Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption?

Homer: [in a sotto voce] Oh, great..[speaks up] All right, what makes you say that?

Lisa: Well, in Sunday School, we learned that stealing is a sin.

Homer: Well, duh.

Lisa: But everybody does it. I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak.

Homer: Oh. Look at this way, when you had breakfast this morning, did you pay for it?

Lisa: No.

Homer: And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing?

Lisa: No, I didn't.

Homer: Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker! Before I call the Feds!

Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.

Homer: Well, thank you, honey.

[at work in the showers]

Lenny: Hey, big fight coming up.

Carl: Yea, you wanna come over to my house and listen to round-by-round updates on the radio?

Lenny: Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, and then after the fight, we can watch the still photos on the 11:00 news.

Carl: Not too shabby!

Lisa: So even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family, that would be stealing?

Reverend Lovejoy: No. Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example.

Lisa: I see.

Lisa: Hi, Dad. I think stealing cable is wrong, so I am choosing not to watch it in the hopes that others will follow my example. That's the last you'll hear from me on the matter. Thank you for your time.

Homer: Hey, Lisa... "Racing From Belmont"? Horsies!

Lisa: Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.

Homer: [about Lisa] There's something wrong with that kid. She's so moral. Why can't she be more like ... well, not like Bart...

(In bed, Homer and Marge argue about the illegal cable.)

Marge: But Homer, I’m afraid that cable has become an evil presence in our home.

Homer: (Sternly) Marge, I never put my foot down about anything.

Marge: No--

Homer: But I am severely tempted to do it over this. (Raises foot)

Marge: Oh, Homer.

Homer: Marge, I’m sorry. I think it’s coming down.

Marge: No, Homer! Not--

Homer: (Sticks foot over floor) It’s coming down. My foot, it’s--

Marge: No!

Homer: That’s it, Marge. The cable stays. The foot has spoken. (Slams foot down)

Lisa: I just want to call attention to the fact that I'm not watching this fight as my form of nonviolent protest.

Homer [to Lisa when she just stares at him]: Hey, go protest outside, will ya? Now!

Homer: Quick, Bart! Hide the stuff I borrowed from work!

Bart: Borrowed?

Homer: All, right, that stuff I stole from work.

Homer [to Lisa when she's staring at him outside]: Will you quit staring at me like that?!

Homer: I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I wanted you to know that I've made a couple of really important decisions. Number 1: I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over, and Number 2: I'm not very fond of any of you.

Bart [begging Homer not to cut the cable]: Dad, I beg you to reconsider. Tractor pulls. Atlanta Braves baseball. Joe Franklin!