Difference between revisions of "Lisa's Substitute/Quotes"

Revision as of 22:58, August 28, 2021

[Bart shows the whole classroom the tape for his project called, "How Kittens Are Born: The Ugly Truth"]

Bart: ...and here comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept.

All: EWW!!

Bart: We were gonna keep the gray one, but the mother ate her.

All: EWWWWW!!

Martin: Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children!

Mrs. Krabappel: As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately!

Bart: Oh, look! This is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in.

[The whole classroom screams]

[Mr. Bergstrom is leading the second grade in a rendition of "Home on the Range".]

Janey: [laughing] Lisa, look at this!

[Lisa unfurls Janey's note to see it is a caricature of Mr. Bergstrom singing.]

Caricature #1: [THE SINGING DORK.]

[Lisa is caught by Mr. Bergstrom.]

Mr. Bergstrom: Did you draw this?

Lisa: No, of course not! Uh, although now I almost wish I did.

Mr. Bergstrom: I like it. I was going to request if I may have it.

Lisa: Oh, sure!

[Lisa gives caricature to Mr. Bergstrom, who continues the song.]

Janey: [whispering] Lisa, look at this!

[Lisa unfurls Janey's note to see it is a caricature of herself singing.]

Caricature #2: [THE SINGING DORKETTE.]

[Marge and Lisa are folding laundry in the basement]

Lisa: When I fall asleep, Mr. Bergstrom is the last thing I think of and he's my first thought when I wake up.

Marge: I feel that way about your father.

Lisa: No, no, you don't understand. When Mr. Bergstrom smiles, you only see these teeth. (smiles and points to her front teeth) But when you really make him laugh, you can see these two teeth. (smiles more broadly showing more teeth) I think they're called the eye teeth. I don't know if he had orthodontic work or what, but they're absolutely perfect.

Marge: I notice little things about your father too.

Lisa: No, Mom. This is different. I mean, this man makes you feel like there's nobody better.

Marge: (becoming slightly annoyed) Your father does that to me.

[They start heading upstairs with the finished laundry]

Lisa: (frustrated) Mom, are we gonna talk, or are we gonna talk?

Marge: (losing patience) Lisa, we can talk, but first you have to accept the fact that I feel that way about your father!

Lisa: (giving in) Fine.

[Lisa sees Miss Hoover has returned.]

Lisa: Where is Mr. Bergstrom?!

Miss Hoover: I do not know, but I would sure like to have words with him!

Miss Hoover: He didn't touch my lesson plan. What did he teach you?

Lisa: That life is worth living.

Miss Hoover: You see, class, my Lyme Disease turned out to be [spells on blackboard] psychosomatic.

Ralph: Does that mean you're crazy?

Janey: No, that means she was faking it.

Miss Hoover: No, actually, it was a little of both.

Homer: Bart didn't get one vote?! Oh, this is the worst thing that could happen to us! All right, all right, spilled milk, spilled milk, spilled milk. [snaps to Lisa] What are you so mopey about?!

Lisa: Nothing.

Marge: Lisa, tell your father.

Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left today.

Homer: [uncaring] Oh?

Lisa: He's gone. Forever.

Homer: [still uncaring] And?

Lisa: I didn't think you'd understand.

Homer: [even more uncaring than before] Hey! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Lisa: [snaps at Homer] I'm glad I'm not crying, because I would hate for you to think that what I'm about to say is based on emotion, but you, sir, are a baboon!

Homer: [gasp] Me?

Lisa: Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon!

Homer: I don't think you realize what you're saying...

Lisa: BABOON!!

[She breaks down crying and runs upstairs to her room]

Bart: Whoa. Somebody was bound to say it one day, I just can't believe it was her.

Homer: Did you hear that, Marge?! She called me a baboon, the stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

Marge: Homer, you're not allowed to have hurt feelings right now. There's a little girl upstairs who needs you. Her confidence in her father is shaken and no little girl can be happy unless she has faith in her daddy.

[With a sigh, a sweating Homer goes to Lisa's room to find her crying.]

Homer: Lisa, don't hold anything back, you can tell me. Are you crying 'cause you called daddy a baboon?

Lisa: No!

Homer: Nuts. [accidentally sits on her dollhouse and breaks it] D'oh! This isn't going well at all.

Lisa: Look, if you just want me to forgive you...

Homer: No, no, no, I just wish I knew what to say. [opens a music box] Although maybe this music will help. Now, you lost someone special and it hurt. I'm lucky because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is under this roof. It's true. Now, you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. There's probably some place where they all get together and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks. Oh, well, maybe I can't explain this, but I can fix your dollhouse for you. At least I'm good at monkey work. You know, monkey? You know what I mean?

Lisa: Yeah.

Homer: I can hold these nails in place with my tail.

[Homer makes monkey noises and apes about Lisa's bedroom, which makes her laugh]

Lisa: You're so silly.

Homer: Give me a banana. [Hoots]

Lisa: I don't have any bananas.

Homer: Come on, you're holding out on me.

[Homer picks Lisa up and tickles her, cheering her up]

Lisa: I'm sorry I called you a baboon, Dad.

Homer: Think nothing of it.

[They embrace. In Bart's bedroom, Bart is angrily throwing a rubber ball against the wall.

Bart: [talking to himself] President Prince, President Princess, President Priss.

[Homer enters bedroom]

Homer: Hey, what's the matter, son?

Bart: Oh, Dad. If just me, Milhouse and Lewis had voted.

Homer: Hey, son, would you have gotten any money for being class president?

Bart: No.

Homer: Would you have to do extra work?

Bart: Yeah.

Homer: And is this Martin Prince going to get to do anything neat, like throw out the first ball at the World Series?

Bart: Well, no.

Homer: So let the baby have his bottle! [nudges Bart's head] That's my motto.

Bart: [laughs and hugs Homer] Hey, thanks, monkey-man.