The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase: Quickly Cancelled Comic Book Cavalcade/Quotes

Quotes

Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such licensed comic book tie-ins as Jim Henson's X-Muppets and The Mattel and Mars Bars Quick Energy Choco-Bots: Crisis on Globetrotter Island. Some years ago, back when "The Simpsons" was still considered clever and popular, the producers tried to cash in on that success by spinning-off the secondary characters into their own television series... ...Each of which failed after the airing of their first episode. As quick as those failures were, it still wasn't fast enough to stop the creation of the rare and valuable oddity you now hold in your hands... ...Licensed comic book tie-ins! These stories and others like them were meant to see print years ago during the Simpsons spin-off boom that never came. Instead, they were put on a shelf, to be used only if the fine people at Bongo ever ran out of other ideas. Well, that time has finally arrived! Join us now for a privileged glimpse into the scrap heap of comic history, as we present... The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase: Quickly Cancelled Comic Book Cavalcade!!

Troy McClure: In "Wiggum P.I." they moved Chief Wiggum to New Orleans, made him a private eye and single dad, and tossed in Seymour Skinner as his hard-working gumshoe partner. Now you can once again sample the sultry flavors of the bad third of the French Quarter... The worst twelfth of New Orleans... If you dare to read... The Curse of the Mama Jama Voodoo Zombie Gumbo.

Mama Jama: So, you boys from 'round here?

Clancy Wiggum: Nope, just lonely drifters with no family to miss us if we were to disappear...

Seymour Skinner: Yes, we've heard about your fine gumbo in the drifter circles we often travel in.

Ned Flanders: And so we send Clancy Wiggum to his final reward. Perhaps salvation... Perhaps eternal hellfire. I don't know. I never met the man.

Ralph Wiggum: I'm going to the orphararium!

Skinner: Thank you for coming, Marge... Homer.

Marge: Of course we came. You must feel terrible.

Skinner: Yes, it's terrible.

Homer: Yeah, you came down here just to start a detective agency and pow! Your partner dies on you in the first couple of weeks!

Skinner: Yes, that sums it up. It's quite awful. Thanks again for coming.

Homer: ...You ended up with no friends and no job.

Lisa: Your life has really hit bottom.

Skinner: Don't you people have to get back to your hotel?

Tofalinda Proudfoot: My father own dis cemetery. I know the smell of dead people, and I know the smell of people dat been eatin' the zombie root gumbo!

Skinner: Jumping catfish! Did you say zombie?

Tofalinda: One bite of the zombie root, and your heart stop for two or t'ree days. Den one whiff of the zombie gumbo, and your heart start right up again. I brought some wit' me to awaken your friend.

Tofalinda: Spirits of de loa! We are too late! Clancy Wiggum has risen from de grave and gone off into de night!

Skinner: Oh no, wait. There he is!

Henchman: Big Daddy! Big Daddy! No man can stop him! He's-- [Urk!]

Skinner: You pay your mercenary army too much, Big Daddy... ...I've had tougher fights with Mother's bunions.

Troy McClure: If you think nothing says "romance" like a rage-addicted lonely bartender and his senile ghost pal trapped in a love testing machine... ...Then you must have pitched "The Love-Matic Grampa" in the first place, because we can't find anyone else who thinks it's romantic.

Grampa: Something in the news got ya down, Moe?

Moe Szyslak: Nah, that's not it, ya crazy old ghost hauntin' my Love Tester... ...It's just that this rain is remindin' me that I'm a loser wit' no love life and no prospects. I decided... If I ain't got no girl ta give my sensitive heart to by midnight, I'm gonna lie in the gutter and bash my head in with a pipe.

Julie Sharp: All right. Who called Julie Sharp, Action News?

Moe: Oh my God. I can't believe it... Ya came?!?

Julie Sharp: You said you have a haunted Love Tester. I also cover the weeping statues and Bigfoot beat for the station. Where is the plugged-in poltergeist, anyway?

Grampa: Right behind ya, toots! Welcome to Moe's Tavern!

Julie Sharp: Holy sack of cats! It's real! I'm going to win that J. Allen Hynek Mystery Award for sure!

Moe: I had a date last night with a broad from the TV news that I thought was a little soft in the noggin... ...But it turned out she'd just switched brains with yer dead father there. A typical night around here lately, I know... Only I didn't know it at the time.

Homer: So what happened?

Moe: Your fathead father thought the best way to "let me down easy" was to try to rob the bar. And there I was with the world's largest knife in my hands... ...So I stabbed her. The cops ruled it a justifiable celebrity slaying 'cause she was on the TV. With guys like O.J. and Robert Blake out there as free men, ya can't be none too careful. Now I got the spirit of the crazy TV chick in the love tester, and Grampa's ghost stuck in the cash register.

Grampa: I'd count my change if I was you, son. Moe likes to cheat ya.

Julie Sharp: Someone help me! I'm in hell!

Moe: Could my life get any worse?

Troy McClure: When we say everyone was enthusiastic about turning America's favorite family into musical comedy stars, we meant to say everybody but Lisa Simpson, who sued to have her likeness removed from all references to the aborted summer TV series, "The Simpsons Family Smile-Time Variety Hour." So for one funtastic week, the part of Lisa Simpson was played by an anonymous actress who has since gone on to much success in the "hospitality" industry.

Marge: I don't think you know the way to Hollywood, Homer. I haven't seen land for three hours.

Homer: There's something else I don't know, Marge... ...how to fly a plane!

Bart: Why didn't you tell anyone you couldn't fly a plane, Homer?

Homer: No one asked at the rental place. They were so nice.

Fake Lisa Simpson: I speak a little ancient Polynesian, it should be no trouble to translate these markings... It says the god that lives in the fire mountain is named K'Alonay-Ra, and that it will not tolerate anyone singing rock and roll music. They filmed an Elvis movie here once, and it angered the fire god.

Marge: It says that in ancient Polynesian? About Elvis and rock and roll, specifically?

Fake Lisa: I got an "A" in ancient Polynesian, Mom.

Bart: Who's Elvis?

Marge: Hello there, Miss Partridge...

Susan Dey: Um... Hello... Miss Blue Jay...?

Marge: I just feathered my hair. Do you like it?

Susan Dey: What? I guess so.

Marge: "It's very beak-coming." That's your line..."very becoming" only you say "beak" because we're birds.

Susan Dey: What? That's not funny.

Marge: Oh, big star Susan Dey doesn't like the script, so she's going to wing it.

Susan Dey: What?

Marge: Look! It's Homer Pigeon, with his friend, Barry Goose-y.

Gary Busey: That's Gary Busey!

Susan Dey: Is all this bird stuff because I was on "The Partridge Family"?

Homer: That's not her line.

Susan Dey: I don't know my lines.

Gary Busey: Neither do I. I haven't even seen a script.

Bart: We're ready to start the show.

Homer: Wow...

Bart: I notice you didn't do much to help, man.

Homer: Shows you what you know. I just dreamed up the bird sketch and that took up a page and a half.

Troy McClure: What were they thinking? Zombie contractors? Ghost lovers? Gary Busey in a musical?!? One thing's for sure... the staff at Bongo has learned from their mistakes. They've learned from them... and can repeat them exactly. So in the future, you can look for such new spin-off series as... "Lenny Loves Carl" and "Who Wants To Swab Captain McCallister's Poop Deck?" Who knows what crazy titles they'll publish? They still put out Radioactive Man no matter how often they're asked not to. And if this well of ideas ever goes completely bone dry... ...well, there's always Ozmodiar, the little green spaceman only Homer can see. Good night, everybody!