The Once and Future Bartman Part One: Alpha and D'oh-Mega/Quotes
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- Bartman: I know the Prince of Crime hired you to sabotage the school's plumbing, Snake.
- Jeremy Jailbird: Dude, I'm Snake's son! I'm, like, totally different from my old man.
- Bartman: Chief Wiggum, what's the situation?
- Chief Ralph Wiggum: Someone made the Duffguy take a kid nap! I guess he was cranky and fussy and needed to lie down.
- Eddie: What the chief means is that someone kidnapped Lamarcus Duffman, the last man to ever be Duff Beer's mascot!
- Young Bartman: I just heard about a crime at the Android's Dungeon, Houseboy! Let's go!
- Young Houseboy: I sure hope they didn't swipe any comics from my pull list! Li'l Knee Socks #300 was supposed to have a twist ending that promised to be a real game-changer!
- Comic Book Guy: Someone stole my mint-condition copy of Radioactive Man #1!
- Young Houseboy: [GASP!] Stealing editor Morty Mann's greatest publishing triumph is anything but petty theft!
- Comic Book Guy: In addition to leaving behind woe and sorrow, the criminal also left this note! Please disregard the pepperoni and tear stains. Those are from me.
- Mr. Burns: Some brigand has purloined my original plutonium rods! And I already had plans to sell them to the Libyans!
- Mayor Quimby: I authorize you boys to focus all your attention on this case! Especially if it keeps you away from investigating other crimes such as...er, ah...a mayor embezzling from the police retirement fund.
- Gil Gunderson: Hey there, superhero! Want to buy a Smilin' Joe Fission bobblehead? You won't find a better deal for yards around! Actually, it's just a potato on a spring, but mum's the word!
- Jimbo Jones: Apparently you do need math later on in life! Wish I'd known that back in school.
- Dolph Shapiro: Yeah! Wouldn't have beat him up so much if we knew he'd be giving us health benefits.
- Michael D'Amico: And he's got us writing down minutes at every meeting!
- Dolph: And taking turns talking when we're plotting!
- Jimbo: It makes criminal conspiracies a lot easier to plan!
- Chief Ralph Wiggum: Mayor Lady Lisa says that I need to be harder on crime, so I'm stenciling you to thirty years in the no-fun room!
- Eddie: He means, "sentencing you to prison."
- Chief Ralph Wiggum: Bake him a cake, toys!
- Lou: Uh... Chief? I think it's, "take him away, boys."
- Chief Ralph Wiggum: Quiet, Lou.
- Bartman: Martin's a financial genius. What if he used his knowledge of the stock market to get the town out of debt?
- Prince of Crime: Yes! I could make a mint by investing in this new "non-self-driving cars" trend.
- Eddie: I like it. We could finally get enough money to retire!
- Chief Ralph Wiggum: Yay! Retire-mint chocolate chip for everybody!
