The Kosmic Kruiser/Quotes
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- Homer: Dear AI, what's a good reason for a man to miss four days of work while also coming off as some kind of hero? Example: getting hit by a cruise ship while saving a drowning baby. But not that, because I've used that twice.
- Lisa: Dad, guess who won first prize in the statewide essay-grading contest.
- Homer: Some lonely dweeb?
- Lisa: No, me.
- Bart: What about Krustyland?
- Lisa: Krustyland? We've been there a million times.
- Bart: Yeah, and every time was awesome. Even when Dad broke his hand punching Ulysses S. Grant in the Hall of Presidents.
- Homer: He started it.
- Bart: The Burj Krustifa. I've been on this thing dozens of times. The best part is when all your organs go into your neck.
- Don Jeffries: Just imagine spending two nights on board a galactic star cruiser, role-playing a sci-fi adventure that's unique to you, with beloved characters from the Itchy and Scratchy Universe.
- Krusty: That's great, CEO Don Jeffries. I know I'm tired of relaxing on my vacations. Give me stuff I'm forced to do.
- Courtney: Hey, CEO Don Jeffries. This place is so immersive. How did you pull off this level of immersion?
- Don Jeffries: The key was immersive ability. How did we do?
- Courtney: Amazing. I feel like I'm here.
- Bart: As Super Explorers, we're obligated to super-explore. You signed the pledge.
- Lisa: I was two. I would sign anything when I was two.
- Bart: What are you so scared of?
- Lisa: Oh, I don't know. Wandering around in a creepy abandoned hotel. ave you seen The Shining?
- Bart: No. Have you?
- Lisa: No, but I'm pretty sure there's a mean hotel in it.
- Lisa: Mr. Van Houten?
- Puffykins Starclaw: No, no, no! You shut up! Uh, I don't use my human name here. I'm "in character." That's actor-talk for "pretending to be not Kirk."
- Lisa: My parents want Bart and me to check in every hour, but my phone isn't working.
- Puffykins: No, that's our app-- it screws up texting. And calling. And it writes swear words on your vacation photos.
- Megan: We're college students who got summer jobs at Krustyland.
- James: The pay is so garbage we can't afford rent. We're forced to squat in this abandoned hotel.
- Puffykins: Retooling hotel.
- Lisa: Can't your parents come get you?
- Megan: They told our parents we're dead!
- Kirk Van Houten: Fellow thespians, don't panic. Remember, the hotel was closed for retooling. This super-realistic flying special effect must be the retooling.
- Don Jeffries: You fools. You wonderful fools. We are flying to our doom.
- Bart: Disgraced former Krusty Co. CEO Don Jeffries!
- Don Jeffries: That's right, children. And now I haunt the hallways of this, my greatest failure.
- Bart: How in the hell is this hotel really flying?
- Don Jeffries: Think about it. When a corporation makes a giant mistake, what is their only reasonable course of action?
- Lisa: Refund customers' money to slowly regain their trust?
- Don Jeffries: No way! Destroy the evidence and pretend the whole thing never happened. Which is why Krusty is doing exactly what I would have done in his place: airlift this hotel by helicopter and drop it in the ocean. But our deaths won't be in vain, because as we plunge to the ocean floor, this sad failure will transform-- through the magic of accounting-- into the greatest tax write-off in corporate history.
- Kirk: So, we're not retooling?
- Don Jeffries: Oh, not at all. We're drowning.
- Helicopter pilot: Hey, there's children down there.
- Krusty: Oh, yeah, look at that. and never get that giant tax write-off. Or...
- Helicopter pilot: There's no "or," sir.
- Krusty: Yeah, you're right. But you know, kids are naturally very buoyant. I read that they... Yeah, you're right.