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Kids Commit the Darndest Crimes!

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Kids Commit the Darndest Crimes!
TV Show Information
Genre: Crime/Reality
Starring: Kent Brockman (Host)
Country of origin: USA
Channel: Channel 6
First appearance: How the Vest Was Won!

Kids Commit the Darndest Crimes! is a crime/reality television show which airs weekly in Springfield. Kent Brockman is the host. Bart Simpson appeared on the show for spoiling the school bullies' shoplifting attempt at the Kwik-E-Mart.


The show's format is telling about crimes committed by children and the legal outcomes of the cases. One feature is the "Lil' Squealer" segment, which features a child who plays a part in stopping a crime. The show has a tip line whose number is 1-800-I SQUEAL.


In the episode in which Bart appeared, Kent Brockman was first seen wrapping up the story of a toddler in Texas who was convicted of a crime and subsequently sentenced to life without parole. He then introduced the week's "Lil' Squealer", Bart Simpson, saying that Bart had "single-handedly foiled a juvenile crime wave". When Bart tried to minimize his deed, Kent told him not to be so modest and added he'd been told that Bart's parents were in the audience. Marge and Homer were in fact in the audience (Marge was frantically waving and shouting to Bart, and Homer was asleep and drooling down his chin) but Bart ignored them and replied, "Not that I'm aware of, Kent!" The show then went to a commercial promoting the crumbling remains of the Springfield Monorail as a tourist attraction.

After the commercial, Bart told his story. He was using Homer's video camera, having fun taping things and people (including Homer in the shower, Lisa kissing a poster of teen idol Corey Masterson, and a display of adult magazines at the Kwik-E-mart) when he saw Jimbo, Dolph, Kearney and Nelson. As Bart continued taping, the four bullies (with Nelson wearing a trenchcoat) entered the store. While Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney distracted Apu at the counter, Nelson went into the stockroom and soon emerged with a wooden crate labeled "LABIOS CALIENTES" tucked under his trenchcoat. After that, Bart called the show's tip line to tell of the shoplifting attempt.

Kent then shifted to interviewing Chief Wiggum, who said the Springfield Police had apprehended the four bullies that same evening, thanks to the video evidence supplied by Bart. Kent then asked what was in the crate that they stole. Wiggum gleefully replied, "It turns out that what they thought was a case of Mexican beer was in fact a case of wax lips!", which elicited laughter from the entire audience. Kent then said he was glad the bullies were locked up and therefore not in a position to take revenge on Bart. Wiggum, chagrined, admitted that the judge had let them off with an hour of community service, but at least he had the bullies where he wanted them for the duration of the broadcast—specifically, sitting in the studio audience, all four of them wearing wax lips and giving Bart and Wiggum a dirty look.

Kent then awarded Bart with the "Lil' Squealer" bullet-proof vest for "bravery in the face of possible violent retribution", and added that judging by the looks on the bullies' faces, he was going to need it. Brockman's assessment proved to be true, as the bullies vowed to take revenge on Bart and deal with him severely.

Behind the Laughter[edit]