Homer for the Holidays/Quotes

Quotes

Grampa: Ah, Christmas. A time of the year that warms my heart. In fact, my heart's so warm, I'm sweating. Sleigh bells ringing. Children splashing... Splashing?!! Get out of that pond or you'll be trapped under the ice!

Lisa: It's July, Grampa.

Bart: Yeah, look around. It's not Christmas! It's not even winter, except in Australia, and they get everything backwards.

Bart the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Man, nobody likes me. I just don't fit in.

Milhouse: I know exactly what you mean. I'm Milhouse the elf.

Bart: Yaaa! I didn't see you there.

Milhouse: I was hiding from the reindeer. Last time they caught me, I got a yellow snow swirlee and a hoof wedgie.

Bart: Did they torment you because of your nose?

Milhouse: W-what's wrong with my nose?

Bart: Ummm...

Bart: Ow! Hey, look at the tag. Are all these toys made by Krustyco Industries?

Krusty: Yeah, what are ya gonna do? There were some... troubles. My lawyer plea bargained me down to banishment on this island with the toys. Poor little guys.

Bart: Thanks, Milhouse. I thought I was the only one who was different. But now I know that no matter how bad things get...

Milhouse: ...that you've got friends?

Bart: No, I'll always know that at least I'm better than all of you.

Mrs. Claus: What a horrible storm!

Santa Claus: Don't blame me. Blame Jack Frost!

Jack Frost: Oh, it's always Jack Frost! Yeah, it ain't all the CO² in the atmosphere! Blame the snow pixie!

Bart: Santa, wait! I can lead your sled!

Santa: Close that door! Were you born in a barn?

Bart: Well, yeah... actually, but that's not important...

Frostee the Snowmom: Hi, kids!

Bart: She's alive!

Ralph Wiggum: Aaaah! We made a snow Frankenstein!

Milhouse: Don't worry, Lisa. I've licked a lot of winter metal in my time, and the skin always grows back by spring.

Bart: Now you're ripping off "The Wizard of Oz," man!

Grampa: Never heard of it.

Lisa: It's a classic. They show it every Christmas!

Bart: So, it'll be on in six months! When it's Christmas!

Grampa: Oh, you want some Christmas classics, do ya?

Grampa: [narrating] On Christmas Day, Maggie was shocked to find that while she had sold her pacifier to buy Baby Gerald a jar of eyebrow wax... ...Gerald had sold his eyebrow to a wig shop to buy Maggie a pacifier cozy. And with nary a pacifier between 'em, those babies cried till Easter!

Gil Gunderson: Ol' Gil thought wrecking this day'd be a cinch. But it's harder than it looks to act like a Grinch. I tried putting some antlers on a dog as step one. But the pit bull didn't like it when I used the glue gun. And my scooter can't handle any more than three gifts.

Bartman: How 'bout a cab?

Gil: They don't give rabbits lifts.

Bartman: Um... uh... y'know, dude, can we just drop the rhyming?

Gil: That'd be a relief! I just don't have the timing.

Mr. Burns: You call this a Nuclear Power Plant Christmas pageant? I've seen carnival ducks on hot plates that danced with more grace!

Waylon Smithers: I've failed you, sir. Feel free to flog me with this candy cane.

Mr. Burns: It's not you, Smithers. You've breathed new life into the role of Christmas Queen. But something is lacking.

Smithers: Maybe a tree would help.

Mr. Burns: Yes! Have five acres of rainforest flown in, and we'll pick the best of the lot.

Smithers: Are you sure, sir? You'll make Sting cry.

Sting: [WHIMPER]

Mr. Burns: Oh, very well.

Mr. Burns: You! The one bobbing for fruit cakes!

Homer: Huh?

Mr. Burns: Fetch me the most beautiful tree in town, or you're fired!

Homer: Can Lenny come, too?

Mr. Burns: Yes, but he'll be fired, too.

Lenny Leonard: Thanks a lot, Homer!

Homer: What's with the blanket?

Lenny: It makes me feel secure.

Homer: Why?

Lenny: I carry a crossbow under it. You never know when you'll meet up with a pack of wolves.

Homer: Lenny, what do you think Christmas is all about?

Lenny: Well, let's see. The word Christmas comes from Cristes Maesse or Christ's Mass. While many cultures in places like Rome and Europe already had a winter festival, the Christian Church only celebrated Easter. That changed in the fourth century. The birthday of Christ, though not recorded in the Bible, was first celebrated as January 6th. This changed in 1743 when Pope Julius the First made the date December 25th in order, it's assumed, to coincide with the pagan Saturnalia festival. For a time in Boston, 1659 to 1681, Christmas was outlawed, but by 1870 it was declared a national holiday and remains one to this day. What do you think Christmas is all about, Homer?

Homer: I like egg nog.