| Land of the Lard
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| Tapped Out Quest Information
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Land of the Lard is an event-exclusive questline in The Simpsons: Tapped Out. It was introduced in the Time Traveling Toaster content update.
Dialogue
Pt. 1
| After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark
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What could I possibly have done to make Marge fall for a billionaire like Artie, instead of a worthless drunk like me?
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I'm assuming that in your timeline, the Lisa that's your daughter warned you not to alter the past.
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That's why I love you, Lisa. In any universe, you're a shameless nag.
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Two things: first, Other Me told you so. Nah-nah-nah. And second, whatever tiny change you made to history, there has to be a way to undo it.
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Then I won't quit until I've set things aright. Or enough time has passed that I don't seem like too bad a guy for giving up!
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| Task: "Make Homer Unchange the Future". The job takes place at Homer's Workbench and takes 4 hours.
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| After starting the job
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I've located the caveman most likely to be Artie's ancestor. But how to be sure...?
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I'm Caveman Ziff!
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Now all I gotta do is figure out how to stop him from ever having offspring, and modern-day Artie just disappears!
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This is the nicest form of murder I've ever come up with. What a good guy I am!
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| After finishing the task
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Hey, Caveman Ziff! Where are all the other men? How come you stay at the cave all day, alone with the women?
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Well, those troglodytes consider me a shameful weakling, unfit to join the clan's hunting party.
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So I am left here... all day... alone with their wives... When you're the only available man, it hardly matters HOW pitiable you are.
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Your very pathetic-ness is your greatest strength. Fascinating!
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Thank you!
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Quest reward:  850 and  10
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Pt. 2
| After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark
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I need to show the cave ladies Artie is too big a coward to mate with. No matter HOW desperate they are. Bart, I need firecrackers.
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I don't have any firecrackers.
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You're not in trouble, I will pay you. Please, tell me or else, and I love you.
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All good reasons. Second drawer.
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| Task: "Make Homer Set Off Firecrackers". The job takes place at Homer's Workbench and takes 4 hours.
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| After starting the job
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Look! Look, Neander-babes! See how Caveman Ziff cowers from the fiery explosions!
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| After finishing the task
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Behold, ladies! I have created fire! Tremble at my extreme desirability!
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D'oh!
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| Quest reward: 850 and 10
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Pt. 3
| After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark
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Lisa, if you needed to outsmart a primitive cave-person raised in an environment of complete ignorance, what would YOU do?
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You're smarter than a caveman. You've just got to be.
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I know! I'll crush him with a rock!
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I take that back.
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I suppose I could get him drunk. Expose him to our modern, high-tech alcohols. Let him make a fool of himself.
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How needlessly complex. Give it a shot!
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| Task: "Make Homer Leave a Keg for Caveman Artie". The job takes place at Homer's Workbench and takes 4 hours.
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Hey, idiot! You're supposed to DRINK from the keg, not roll it around!
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Behold, women! Caveman Ziff has another amazing invention. First, fire. Now, the wheel! Swoon at my greatness!
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At this rate, I'll return to a world populated entirely by Artie Ziffs.
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| Quest reward: 850 and 10
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Pt. 4
| After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark
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You know what they say: if at first you don't succeed, and at second you suck even worse, go back to the first idea you had, but do it bigger.
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Hey, Professor! What's the biggest explosion you can whip up in ten minutes or less?
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What's the rush? You DO have access to a time machine. Glayvin.
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I don't see your point. Chop chop!
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All righty. I WAS going to provide you with a small nuclear device, but owing to your profound and obvious imbecility, just take this rocket.
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Now leave me alone. Have fun destroying something.
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| Task: "Make Homer Fire a Rocket". The job takes place at Homer's Workbench and takes 4 hours.
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| After starting the job
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Behold, Cave honeys! Caveman Ziff, a very ugly and puny man, has meddled with the forces of nature, and now the gods are pissed!
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Let's see... how do you set this rocket off...?
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...
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Uh, oh.
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| After finishing the task
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So, good news: I don't think Caveman Ziff is too popular with the ladies anymore. Bad news: we now know what wiped out the wooly mammoths.
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And that all the saber-toothed tigers were crushed beneath falling wooly mammoths.
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| Message
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The story will continue in Act 2. Keep collecting Fossils and Hidden Gems to get more prizes!
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| Quest reward: 2,050 and 10
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Behind the Laughter
The quest name is a reference to the TV series Land of the Lost.
