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- Principal Skinner: [to Nelson] All right, Mr. Smartenheimer, that does it. First, you're going to give back everything you've stolen. Then, I'm sentencing you to one week of the lowest, most degrading work known to man - janitorial work.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Ah, geez. I'm standing right here, sir.
- Principal Skinner: Ah, yes. Uh ... Take a good look at him, Nelson, 'cause that's where you're headed.
- Groundskeeper Willie: And that's how Willie waters. Now you take the hoose.
- Nelson: The moose?
- Groundskeeper Willie: The hoose! The hoose!
- Nelson: Is this right? [intentionally sprays water at Willie]
- Groundskeeper Willie: Ack! Turn off the noozle!!
- Nelson: Noodles?! What noodles?!
- Groundskeeper Willie: The noozle at the end of the hoose! ACK!
(Homer's auto-dialer message.)
- Homer: Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So, use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay, eternal happiness is just a dollar away.
- Ned: (on the phone) Howdily-doodely.
- Homer: (recording) Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So, use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay, eternal happiness is just a dollar away.
(Ned hangs up)
- Ned: Oh, it's that darn recording again.
- Maude: Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
(Ned turns out the light and the phone rings again.)
- Ned: Howdily-do--
- Homer: (recording) Greetings, friends, Do you wish to look as happy as me?
(Ned hangs up)
- Ned: Dang!
- Maude: I told you to unplug the phone.
- Ned: But it could be my mother! (the phone rings again; answers it) Howdy--
- Homer: (recording) Greetings, friends!
(Ned hangs up)
- Ned: Shoot!
- Maude: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn.
- Homer: (shouts through his window) Will you two shut up?! People are trying to sleep!
- Lisa: [to Nelson] How do you feel? What's inside you right now?
- Nelson: Guts… and black stuff… and about 50 Slim Jims.
- Principal Skinner: I've always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner!!
- Principal Skinner: (gasps) Uh, Superintendent Chalmers! What's wrong?
- Superintendent Chalmers: Nothing, I just bought myself a car.
- Principal Skinner: Oh. Oh good. This'll sound crazy, but at first I, I thought I'd enraged you again.
- Superintendent Chalmers: SKINNER!!
- Principal Skinner: What? What!?
- Superintendent Chalmers: Ah, you're getting paranoid.
- Homer: Now we just sit by the mailbox and watch the money roll in.
- Marge: But you're going to annoy thousands of people just to make a few measly dollars. It's nothing but panhandling.
- Homer: Tele-panhandling.
(Nelson and Lisa kiss)
- Lisa: (thinking) My first kiss! I always wondered what it would be like!
- Nelson: (thinking) This oughta shut her up.
- Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now, he's a whole new person.
- Lisa: Mom?
- Marge: He's a whole new person, Lisa.
- Lisa: I like you too, Milhouse, but not in that way. You're more like a big sister.
- Milhouse: No I'm not! Why does everyone keep saying that?
- Lisa: Would you do me a favor? When you get back to class, just give him this note.
(Milhouse groans)
- Lisa: Please?
Milhouse's brain: When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you.
- Milhouse: Sure! What's a big sister for?
Milhouse's brain: Oh, I shouldn't have said that!
- Bart: Hey, Lis, Mom said you had the toenail clippers and—Whoa! Lisa, look out! Nelson's in our house!
- Lisa: It's okay. I invited him over. Nelson's my new... friend.
- Bart: Are you nuts? I'll probably never say this to you again, but you can do better!
- Lisa: Please don't ruin this for me, Bart. I think I'm starting to love him.
- Bart: But Milhouse likes you.
- Lisa: Oh, please! Milhouse likes Vaseline on toast!
- Bart: Hmm.
- Principal Skinner: Oh, you think this stolen "H" is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl. (Students laugh) Well, I guess it is a little funny.
- Lisa: Why do you have to be such a pain all the time? Don't you realize you're getting a bad reputation?
- Nelson: Don't you realize your butt sticks out?
- Principal Skinner: Well, who's "ha-ha"ing now, hmm?
- Nelson: I 'unno, but he's got lethal tuna breath.
- Milhouse: You like Nelson? But he's a creep and he chipped one of my permanent teeth!
- Lisa: But I bet underneath he's a sweet, sensitive person… like you…..I guess you could say I'm wanna bring out the Milhouse in Nelson.
- Milhouse: But I'm all Milhouse! Plus, my mom says I'm the handsomest guy in school.
- Nelson: (reads note) "Guess who likes you." (turns around to see Milhouse staring at him. Cut to shot of paramedics wheeling an unconscious Milhouse out on a gurney while everyone watches.)
- Lisa: Milhouse, I'm so sorry.
- Paramedic: He can't hear you now. We had to pack his ears with gauze.
(Superintendent Chalmers discovers someone has vandalized his car.)
- Superintendent Chalmers: My H has been stolen! Awww, that's how people know it's a Honda. Why would you drive a Honda if you can't show it off?
- Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
- Milhouse: She does not!
- Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
- Janey: He does not!
- Class: Janey likes Milhouse!
- Mr. Largo: NOBODY LIKES MILHOUSE!
(Lisa gets tired from writing on the chalkboard.)
- Lisa: Ooh, how does Bart do this every week?
- Nelson: Hey, Brainiac, is when did YOU get detention, huh?
- Lisa: It's your fault. I accidentally laughed at your immature prank.
- Nelson: Ha, yeah. The best part was when he got wet... Hey you're doing that the stupid way.
If you use that thing with the five chalks you'll get done faster.
- Lisa: [holds the duo with five chalks] Thanks, but I prefer the honest way.
- Nelson: Whatever. Smell ya later.
- Lisa: (thinking about Nelson) He's not like anybody I've ever met. He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest. He sure is ugly, though.
- Lisa: "Nuke the whales"? You don't really believe that, do you?
- Nelson: I don't know. Gotta nuke something.
- Lisa: (in French) Ben voyons!
- Homer: Woo-hoo! Two dollars! It's working!
(at the Springfield Retirement Castle)
- Grampa: I don't feel any happier. How about you?
- Jasper: Mmm… A little.
- Nelson: (singing) Joy to the world, the teacher's dead!
They barbecued her head!
What happened to her body?
We flushed it down the potty
And 'round and 'round it goes
And 'round and 'round it...goes...
- Lisa: Do you want to come over to my house after school?
- Nelson: Okay, but if anyone sees us, I'm just there to steal your bike.
- Principal Skinner: Who's out there? Give me your names so I can tell the police.
- Agnes: Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor?
- Principal Skinner: Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb bums, if you think I'm impressed, I am not… Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only making me angrier!
- Agnes: I wanna see what's going on!
- Principal Skinner: No, Mother! Don't look out the window!
(Agnes screams)
(Nelson throws a rock at the window)
- Nelson: Lisa, cops are chasing me! I need a place to hide.
(Homer opens the window)
- Homer: Lisa's window is the next one.
- Ned: (answers phone) Howd--
- Homer: (recording) Greetings, friends...
- Maude: Ned, did you plug that phone back in? (screaming) IF SO, YOU'RE SLEEPING ON THE LAWN!!!!
- Homer: (shouts out his bedroom window) Shut up!
- Homer: Hey, who shot the auto-dialer? (sees the cops) … Marge's auto-dialer.
- Chief Wiggum: See you in court, Simpson. Oh, and uh, bring that evidence with you. Otherwise, I got no case, and you go scot-free, you.
(Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney are pelting Skinner's house with rancid coleslaw)
- Dolph: Nelson doesn't know what he's missing!
- Jimbo: Why's he wasting time with that Simpson chick?
- Nelson: 'Cause your mom had a 3-month waiting list.
- Dolph: I knew you'd be back!
- Kearney: Alright!
- Jimbo: What'd you say about my mom?
- Chief Wiggum: (referring to Jimmy The Scumbag) He's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass round the clock, and the only way out is suicide.
- Lisa: Nelson! That note you got wasn't from Milhouse. It was just from ... me.
- Nelson: You? Why would you like me? No girls like me! (suspiciously) Are you wearing a wire?
- Mr. Burns: One dollar for eternal happiness. Mmmm ... I'd be happier with the dollar.
- Homer: Eh, morning, Apu.
- Apu: Good morning. One doughnut with sprinkles and (gasps) wait a minute. These are not sprinkles, sir.
- Homer: What do you mean?
- Apu: You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles.
- Homer: Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was!
- Apu: A Mounds Bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here.
- Homer: Oh... (walks out)
- Apu: Thank you, come again.
- Homer: Hello, this is Homer Simpson, AKA Happy Dude. The court has ordered me to call every person in town to apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send ten dollars to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have it NOW, this power!
(Milhouse chokes on his milk and it sprays out of his nose)
- Nelson: Way to drink, Poindexter!
[As Nelson returns all the things he stole]
- Nelson: [to a kid] Bite me. [to Janey] Cram it. [to Ralph] You're dead. [to Mrs. Krabappel] Get bent, Ma'am.
- Marge: An automatic dialer? Is that legal? I don't want you getting arrested, Homer.
- Homer: I won't.
- Marge: Or swindling our neighbors.
- Homer: [pause]
- Nelson: [holding a beehive] Hey, Willie! Catch the football! [throws beehive at him]
- Groundskeeper Willie: All right, I....[screams]
- Dolph: Oh, man! You kissed a girl!
- Jimbo: That is so gay!
- Jimbo: Prove it, ass-butt! Come raid Skinner's house with us.
- Kearney: We found a bunch of rancid coleslaw in the dumpster behind Krusty Burger.
- Dolph: Yeah, and we're gonna go heave it at his house!
- Nelson: Thanks for helping me out. You're a stand-up babe. Hey, Check it out. Skinner's mopping the goo off his house! Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath.
- Principal Skinner: Nooooooooooooooooo!
- Milhouse: Hi, Lisa. Could I talk to you, or would that just make Nelson whale on me again?
- Lisa: Don't worry. Nelson and I don't like each other anymore.
- Milhouse: Really? You got anybody in mind for your next crush?
- Lisa: Well, I'm really not thinking about that now. (walking away) I suppose it could be almost anybody.
- Milhouse: (jumps into the air) YES!
