Itchy & Scratchy Land/Quotes
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Marge (sleepily): Homer, maybe we ought to stop.
Homer (drowsy): I...am...not...tired.
(A car crashes. Bart is looking outside of a motel window and sees it is a car of the same make, model, and color as the Simpson family car)
Bart: Boy, I am so glad that was not us. Thanks for finding this motel for us, Dad.
Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson, we have arrested your son.
Woman: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother.
(Marge hears from this and feels embarassed) Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson, we have also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
Marge: Can't we go anywhere without this family being associated with trouble? I am disgusted with the both of you!
Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge: For kicking a costumed mouse in the rear?
Homer: Must I explain everything to you?
Bart: Hey, mouse, say "cheese". (takes a picture of an Itchy robot by his camera, resulting in it collapsing) With cool, dry wit like that, I could be an action hero.
Lisa: Mom, Dad, Bart’s dead!
(Lisa runs into the room with Bart on a wagon and Marge and Homer both gasp.)
Bart: That’s right, dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land!
Lisa: Who are all these characters?
Bart: Well, you're probably too young to remember the short lived Itchy & Scratchy and Friends Hour. They had to come up with some friends. There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Klu Klux Clam . . .
Lisa: Oh yeah. They weren't very funny.
PA Announcer #1: Mop and bucket man to the exit of the Nauseator. Mop and bucket man to the exit of the Nauseator.
PA Announcer #2: We have another jumper on the roof of TGI McScratchy's.
PA Announcer #3: We need more Bort license plates in the Gift Shop. Repeat, we are sold out of Bort license plates.
Ticket Taker at Euro Itchy & Scratchy Land: (with French accent) Hello? Itchy & Scratchy Land - open for business! Who are you to resist it, huh?! C'mon, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine! (yells in French)
Marge: Come to think of it, this was the best vacation ever. Now, let us never speak of it again.
(Hans Moleman is inside a phone booth at the bird sanctuary with birds attacking him.)
Moleman: (Into phone) Hello, I need the largest seed bell you have. (Pause) No, that's too big!
Marge: Now, wait a minute, I'm not sure about this. Every time we've ever gone on vacation, I end up being horribly embarrassed. We end up in a big fight and we come home more miserable than when we left.
Marge: This year I want us to do things together as a family, and get a lot of good exercise outdoors so we'll have a lot of wonderful memories of our vacation.
Bart: Don't worry Mom, we'll make you proud of us. [Homer packs a suitcase and lists off the items]
Homer: Lobster hat, Fishnet Speedo Junior, wheelie shoes, "Invisible Dog" leash...[laughs] Well, I'm packed.
Marge [to Grampa]: And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?
Grampa: No! I ain't senile, dad-blast it.
Marge: OK, bye bye.
Homer: Bye!
Bart: Bye!
Lisa: Bye, Grampa!
[Homer drives off]
Grampa: Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? "Grampa's Little Helper"...what's that? [looks to the animals] Which one of you is the mailman? [animals roll their eyes slowly towards one another]
Homer: [looking at the map] North...south...aw, nuts to this! I'm going to take a shortcut.
Marge: Homer, no, you're going to get lost.
Homer: Trust me, Marge. With today's modern cars, you can't get lost, what with all the silicon chips and such.
Homer: One adult and four children.
Woman: Would you like to buy some Itchy and Scratchy Money?
Homer: What's that?
Woman: Well it's money that's made just for the park. It works just like regular money, but it's, er..."fun".
Bart: Do it, Dad.
Homer: Well, OK, if it's fun...let's see, uh...I'll take $1100 worth. [he walks in and sees all the signs: "No I&S Money", "We Don't Take Itchy and Scratchy Money", etc.] Aw!
Helicopter Pilot: Welcome to Itchy and Scratchyland, where nothing can possib-lie go wrong. PossibLY go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.
Bart: [to the waiter while at the restaurant] I'll have a Brain Burger with extra pus, please.
Marge: Bart!
Homer: Eyeball stew. Marge: Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.
Bart: I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here. Marge: Oh, I see. All right, hmm...I'll have the Baby Guts.
Waiter: Lady, you disgust me. Ew.
Lisa: Mom, that's real.
Marge: Oh..
Lisa: Aw, look at that cute little baby ax.
[a baby ax runs to catch up with bigger axes]
Marge: It's cute, but I'm sure it's very sharp and probably dirty.
Homer: It is 70's! Right down to the smallest detail.
Marge: Hey...the bartender even looks like John Travolta.
Bartender: Yeah..."looks like".
Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis! [finds a vanity license plate rack] Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"? Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort. Man: Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.
Bandleader: Welcome to T. G. I. McScratchy's where it's constantly New Year's Eve. Here we go again! Three, two, one!
Everyone: Happy new year! ["Auld Lang Syne" starts up]
[a waiter walks up with champagne glasses]
Marge: It must be wonderful to ring in the new year over and over and over.
Waiter: Please, kill me.
Marge: Oh, I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.
Officer: OK, throw her in the hole.
Marge: Oh, please: it was just a figure of speech!
Bart: Who would have thought that our visit to Itchy and Scratchy Land would turn out to be our best vacation ever?
Lisa: Yeah, best ever!
Marge: Are you two bonkers? We almost got killed...not to mention all the embarrassment I suffered.
Lisa: But Mom, it's exactly what you wanted in a vacation: it brought us together as a family, we got a lot of good exercise outdoors, and we have so many memories.
Marge: [pause] You know, you're right. This truly was the best vacation ever. Now let us never speak of it again.
Marge: I hope you realize now that violence on TV may be funny, but it's not so funny when that violence is happening to you.
Bart: But it would be funny to someone who was watching us.
Marge: Hmm...
Lisa: No, Mom, he's right. [takes off her shoe] Observe [throws it at Bart]
[Marge laughs involuntarily; Lisa and Bart laugh too]
Marge: Oh, my! Lisa, go to your room.
Lisa: Aw..
