| Hobo You Didn't!
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| Tapped Out Quest Information
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Hobo You Didn't! is a premium questline in The Simpsons: Tapped Out. It was introduced in the Level 42 content update. It requires Lampwick to be obtained.
Dialogue
Pt. 1
| After tapping on Lampwick's exclamation mark
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Someone paid good money just to torture me with poverty?
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Well, I know who it must be! Only one soul has ever been so hate-fueled, bile-filled, and vile-stuffed.
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That secret Midget Little Vicki!
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Little Vicki Valentine, Hollywood's little princess?
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The talented star of sixty-one films and TV shows, and countless Broadway plays because the internet won't count them for me?
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That's the flapper.
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In 1963, I crashed some snooty awards party. All I wanted was a shrimp cocktail. So I get in line for one, right behind Little Vicki.
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As we get to the front, I notice there are only two glasses of shrimp left.
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Just as I'm about to get mine, Little Vicki takes them both! Says one's for a friend.
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If your friend wants an s-cocktail, your friend should wait in line for an s-cocktail!
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A haughty sheba who snatches shrimp out of the little guys' mouths, those people are the true scum of the earth.
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I've got to warn Springfield. For evil has arrived.
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| Task: "Make Lampwick Rant About Little Vicki". The job takes place at a Gazebo and takes 8 hours.
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Guard your shrimp! Little Vicki may walk among you!
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Quest reward:  100 and  10
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Pt. 2
| After tapping on Lampwick's exclamation mark
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I think I finally figured out why I'm back in Springfield, little girl. It's not for money or respect. It's for…
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REVENGE!
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Mr. Lampwick, I'm still not sure your crusade against Little Vicki is the best pursuit.
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She's one of America's finest actresses, and the first ever winner of the Kiddie Academy Awards!
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I know all about her award record. If you ask me, she lied about her age!
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She kept saying, “I'm the youngest actress to ever win an award, and now I am about to get my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame!”
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Ever check her teeth? Never once did her fake baby teeth ever fall out!
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Or that curly hair of hers… a wig, I tell ya! She had me thrown out of the party when I attempted to yank that mop off!
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Like I'm telling ya, an awful human being. I saw her clean the earwax out of her ears using her house keys. Disgusting.
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Now Dame Judith Underdunk, she was a celebrity with class.
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Would remember your name, your birthday, and even bake you a cake. Had a handshake like George Washington's.
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The Springfield Library keeps thorough entertainment news records. We can check to verify your story…
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And I can take a bath in their sink and dry myself on some useless, old books. Public libraries—the Hobo's Hilton.
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Task: "Build Springfield Library".
Task: "Make Lampwick Do Research". The job takes place at Springfield Library and takes 24 hours.
Task: "Make Lisa Do Research". The job takes place at Springfield Library and takes 24 hours.
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Ah, fresh as a wilted rose! Nothing gives a man reason to look and smell his best better than a bellyful of dumb rage.
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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Pt. 3
| After tapping on Lampwick's exclamation mark
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Springfield, we must protect ourselves from the forces of Little Vicki! Discard all signs of the Queen of Babylon!
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Sir, don't damage those DVDs of Little Vicki for President.
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If I mark the price down any lower, I will have to pay people to take them. And even then they will say, “Little Vicki for President? Ugh.”
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We must cease worshipping her, and free ourselves from her narrative tyranny!
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She can no longer control us, forcing us to engage in silly behavior for her amusement!
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| Task: "Make Lampwick Battle the Forces of Vicki". The job takes place at a Kwik-E-Mart and takes 6 hours.
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It's nice to feel like I finally have something to contribute.
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DEATH TO LITTLE VICKI!
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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Pt. 4
| After tapping on Lisa's exclamation mark
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Mr. Lampwick! Mr. Lampwick! My research uncovered something you should know about your reason for existing.
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Is it how to create a Little Vicki-proof barrier around any home or shanty town?
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You said Little Vicki was getting her star on the Walk of Fame. But she got her star in 1960, not 1963.
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Also, the Walk of Fame parties only served shrimp cocktail in 1964…
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The same year Dame Judith Underdunk got her star on the walk!
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I believe the evil curly haired woman who took your shrimp was not Little Vicki, but in fact the Dame Judith Underdunk!
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So… everything I believe in is a lie?
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Isn't that great?!
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...
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Oh. Only now do I realize how that might not be so great…
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…and that's beside the fact that I helped put her in prison!
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Guess I'll never know why I got saddled with this bum's life. Fate or chance or Little Vicki, I gotta make the best of it.
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There's no point in trying to anticipate the answers to why we're here.
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The essence of life is its mystery, and only when we accept that can we focus on living.
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Samuel Beckett was right. Hobos do possess a deeper insight.
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I know the perfect job for you, if you're willing to work for free cafeteria food.
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| Task: "Make Lampwick Star in a School Production of Waiting for Godot". The job takes place at Springfield Elementary and takes 3 hours.
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Magnificent performance, Mr. Lampwick!
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This school hasn't been so moved since the days Moleman bloodied our stage in Richard the II.
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Thank you. And shove it. I have to spout a bunch of frufru nonsense AND choke down dry Salisbury steak?
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Forget it! I'd rather dine on juicy rotisserie pigeon, hot off the trash can.
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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Pt. 5
| After tapping on Lampwick's exclamation mark
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Whew. Trying to find a purpose for my existence has tuckered me out.
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I hope someone thought to give you a job at the homeless shelter.
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Or at least a job to stay with everyone else in the brown house.
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I don't need shelter.
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I have the one thing that truly matters, the one thing no one can take from me: my fantasies of destroying all who have wronged me.
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I was hoping you'd say “human dignity.” But “destroying others” is an alternative.
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Take care. And have a goodnight, little victim number twelve
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| Task: "Make Lampwick Sleep Under a Newspaper". The job takes place at Benches with Backs and takes 12 hours.
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You're going to get it. You're all going to get it! Especially whoever gave me this storyline and all his accomplices!
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| Quest reward: 200 and 20
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Behind the Laughter
The following dialogue was cut from Pt. 1, and replaced with the Little Vicki dialogue:
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Well, I know who it must be! Only one soul has ever been so hate-fueled, bile-filled, and vile-stuffed. That secret Russian… Kirk Douglas!
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The talented star of ninety-two films and TV shows, and countless theatrical plays because the internet won't count them for me?
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That's the yob.
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In 1953, I crashed some snooty awards party. All I wanted was a shrimp cocktail. So I get in line for one, right behind Kirk Douglas.
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Just as I'm about to get mine, Kirk Douglas takes them both! Says one's for a friend.
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| Task: "Make Lampwick Rant about Kirk Douglas".
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| After starting the job
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Guard your shrimp! Kirk Douglas may walk among you!
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Another cut line was originally supposed to be included between lines 6 and 7 of the start dialogue:
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What's your connection to her, Mr. Lampwick? Frankly, she seems like a pretty random reference for a feud.
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