Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"/Quotes
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< Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"
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- (Bart looks in a brochure for a ghost town)
- Bart: This ghost tow is gonna be great! Now with 30 percent more gun fights!
- Marge: And 40 percent more rootin' tootin'!
- Marge: It's so sweet of you to take us out like this, Homie! Come on, kids, three cheers for your father! Hip, hip...!
- Lisa: Mom, don't.
- Marge: Hip, hip...!
- Bart: We heard you the first time!
- Marge: (angry) Hip, hip...!
- Homer: Hey, I'm tryin' to drive here!
- Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
- Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there.
- Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!
- Tour Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by the Prostitute Express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St. Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as the place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
- Homer: (impressed) Three minutes? (he whistles appreciatively)
- Marge: I never realized history was so filthy!
- Tour Guide: First on our tour is the whorehouse, then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and, finally, the old mission.
- Marge: Oh, thank Heaven!
- Tour Guide: Lots of prostitutes in there!
- Homer: Hey, robot! get your metal ass down here!
- (the bartender walks down to Homer)
- Bartender: First of all, I'm not a robot. And second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam, defending this country for lazy jerks like you.
- Grampa: Can't get a good sasparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood.
- Bartender: Heh, you like it, huh?
- Grampa: Up yours!
- Grampa: Can I go to the bathroom before we leave?
- Homer: But we gotta get home. I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio. Tonight is F. Murray Abraham.
- Grampa: But I really need to-
- Homer: (stern) F. Murray Abraham!
- (Doctor Hibbert looks at Grampa's X-rays)
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh, dear God! This man's kidneys have exploded! There's nothing left!
- Marge: Oh, no!
- Homer: Yeah, that's what happens when you get older. It's one of those natural things. Beautiful, in it's way.
- Dr. Hibbert: Uh, actually, his kidneys were fine yesterday when he had his annual checkup.
- Homer: Excuse me, Doctor, I think I know a little something about medicene.
- Grampa: I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something.
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over.
- Grampa: How long do I have to live, Doc?
- Dr. Hibbert: (laughs) I'm amazed your alive now.
- Homer: I'm the luckiest man in the world... now that Lou Gherig's dead.
- Homer: It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor said it's just a procedure.
- Moe: No, no, no. Makin' polenta, that's a procedure. You're talking about deadly, life-thretening surgery here.
- Moe: Listen, I'm just gonna to get right to the point here. Can I have your buttocks, I mean, if you die? They look pretty comfortable.
- Homer: Yeah, I guess.
- Carl: And, uh, are those your original lips?
- Homer: Well, actually, I - Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes!
- Homer: I'll do it! But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me?
- Marge: Oh, anything sweetheart!
- Homer: Blow up the hospital.
- Marge: Hrmmmm. Well, I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to.
- Grampa: Am I dead yet?
- Marge: No.
- Grampa: How 'bout now?
- Marge: No.
- Grampa: Now?
- Marge: I'll tell you when you're deadm Grampa.
- Grampa: Thank you.
- Homer: The sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains. I hate them so much!
- (Homer hangs onto the side of a tramp steamer)
- Homer: I'd like to apply for a job. Any job. If you don't have a captain, I can be that.
- Captain McCallister: Yar, what other ships have ye been on?
- (Homer points to a store shaped like a ship)
- Homer: I've been on that one. The taffy shop.
- Captain McCallister: Arr, good enough.
- Captain McCallister: Welcome aboard the ship of... (dramatic) lost souls.
- Homer: The name on the back says "Honeybunch".
- Captain McCallister: Yar, I've been meaning to paint over that.
- (in Grampa's hospital room, Marge turns to Reverend Lovejoy)
- Marge: Aren't you going to give him the last rites?
- Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.
- Lisa: Dr. Hibbert, I thought you located another kidney for Grampa.
- Dr. Hibbert: Larry Hagman took it! He's got five of them now. And three hearts. We didn't want to give them to him, but he overpowered us.
- Dr. Hibbert: While we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in, we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father.
