Difference between revisions of "Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"/Quotes"
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{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Lisa Gets an "A"|Mayored to the Mob}} | {{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Lisa Gets an "A"|Mayored to the Mob}} | ||
| − | :'' | + | :''[[[Bart]] looks in a brochure for a ghost town]'' |
:'''Bart:''' This ghost tow is gonna be great! Now with 30 percent more gun fights! | :'''Bart:''' This ghost tow is gonna be great! Now with 30 percent more gun fights! | ||
:'''[[Marge]]:''' And 40 percent more rootin' tootin'! | :'''[[Marge]]:''' And 40 percent more rootin' tootin'! | ||
| Line 12: | Line 12: | ||
:'''Marge:''' Hip, hip...! | :'''Marge:''' Hip, hip...! | ||
:'''Bart:''' We heard you the first time! | :'''Bart:''' We heard you the first time! | ||
| − | :'''Marge:''' '' | + | :'''Marge:''' ''[angry]'' Hip, hip...! |
:'''[[Homer]]:''' Hey, I'm tryin' to drive here! | :'''[[Homer]]:''' Hey, I'm tryin' to drive here! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| Line 20: | Line 20: | ||
---- | ---- | ||
:'''Tour Guide:''' Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by the Prostitute Express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St. Joe in three days, [[Bloodbath Gulch]] quickly became known as the place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes. | :'''Tour Guide:''' Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by the Prostitute Express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St. Joe in three days, [[Bloodbath Gulch]] quickly became known as the place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes. | ||
| − | :'''Homer:''' '' | + | :'''Homer:''' ''[impressed]'' Three minutes? ''[he whistles appreciatively]'' |
:'''Marge:''' I never realized history was so filthy! | :'''Marge:''' I never realized history was so filthy! | ||
:'''Tour Guide:''' First on our tour is the whorehouse, then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and, finally, the old mission. | :'''Tour Guide:''' First on our tour is the whorehouse, then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and, finally, the old mission. | ||
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---- | ---- | ||
:'''Homer:''' Hey, robot! get your metal ass down here! | :'''Homer:''' Hey, robot! get your metal ass down here! | ||
| − | :'' | + | :''[the bartender walks down to Homer]'' |
:'''Bartender:''' First of all, I'm not a robot. And second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam, defending this country for lazy jerks like you. | :'''Bartender:''' First of all, I'm not a robot. And second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam, defending this country for lazy jerks like you. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| Line 37: | Line 37: | ||
:'''Homer:''' But we gotta get home. I don't want to miss ''[[Inside the Actor's Studio]]''. Tonight is {{W|F. Murray Abraham}}. | :'''Homer:''' But we gotta get home. I don't want to miss ''[[Inside the Actor's Studio]]''. Tonight is {{W|F. Murray Abraham}}. | ||
:'''Grampa:''' But I really need to- | :'''Grampa:''' But I really need to- | ||
| − | :'''Homer:''' '' | + | :'''Homer:''' ''[stern]'' F. Murray Abraham! |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | :'' | + | :''[[[Doctor Hibbert]] looks at Grampa's X-rays]'' |
:'''Dr. Hibbert:''' Oh, dear [[God]]! This man's kidneys have exploded! There's nothing left! | :'''Dr. Hibbert:''' Oh, dear [[God]]! This man's kidneys have exploded! There's nothing left! | ||
:'''Marge:''' Oh, no! | :'''Marge:''' Oh, no! | ||
| Line 50: | Line 50: | ||
---- | ---- | ||
:'''Grampa:''' How long do I have to live, Doc? | :'''Grampa:''' How long do I have to live, Doc? | ||
| − | :'''Dr. Hibbert:''' '' | + | :'''Dr. Hibbert:''' ''[laughs]'' I'm amazed your alive now. |
---- | ---- | ||
:'''Homer:''' I'm the luckiest man in the world... now that {{W|Lou Gherig}}'s dead. | :'''Homer:''' I'm the luckiest man in the world... now that {{W|Lou Gherig}}'s dead. | ||
| Line 77: | Line 77: | ||
:'''Homer:''' The sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains. I hate them so much! | :'''Homer:''' The sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains. I hate them so much! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | :'' | + | :''[Homer hangs onto the side of a tramp steamer]'' |
:'''Homer:''' I'd like to apply for a job. Any job. If you don't have a captain, I can be that. | :'''Homer:''' I'd like to apply for a job. Any job. If you don't have a captain, I can be that. | ||
:'''[[Captain McCallister]]:''' Yar, what other ships have ye been on? | :'''[[Captain McCallister]]:''' Yar, what other ships have ye been on? | ||
| − | :'' | + | :''[Homer points to a store shaped like a ship]'' |
:'''Homer:''' I've been on that one. The taffy shop. | :'''Homer:''' I've been on that one. The taffy shop. | ||
:'''Captain McCallister:''' Arr, good enough. | :'''Captain McCallister:''' Arr, good enough. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | :'''Captain McCallister:''' Welcome aboard the ship of... '' | + | :'''Captain McCallister:''' Welcome aboard the ship of... ''[dramatic]'' lost souls. |
:'''Homer:''' The name on the back says "Honeybunch". | :'''Homer:''' The name on the back says "Honeybunch". | ||
:'''Captain McCallister:''' Yar, I've been meaning to paint over that. | :'''Captain McCallister:''' Yar, I've been meaning to paint over that. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | :'' | + | :''[in Grampa's hospital room, Marge turns to [[Reverend Lovejoy]]) |
:'''Marge:''' Aren't you going to give him the last rites? | :'''Marge:''' Aren't you going to give him the last rites? | ||
:'''Lovejoy:''' That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance. | :'''Lovejoy:''' That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance. | ||
Revision as of 10:23, February 24, 2012
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- [[[Bart]] looks in a brochure for a ghost town]
- Bart: This ghost tow is gonna be great! Now with 30 percent more gun fights!
- Marge: And 40 percent more rootin' tootin'!
- Marge: It's so sweet of you to take us out like this, Homie! Come on, kids, three cheers for your father! Hip, hip...!
- Lisa: Mom, don't.
- Marge: Hip, hip...!
- Bart: We heard you the first time!
- Marge: [angry] Hip, hip...!
- Homer: Hey, I'm tryin' to drive here!
- Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
- Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there.
- Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!
- Tour Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by the Prostitute Express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St. Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as the place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
- Homer: [impressed] Three minutes? [he whistles appreciatively]
- Marge: I never realized history was so filthy!
- Tour Guide: First on our tour is the whorehouse, then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and, finally, the old mission.
- Marge: Oh, thank Heaven!
- Tour Guide: Lots of prostitutes in there!
- Homer: Hey, robot! get your metal ass down here!
- [the bartender walks down to Homer]
- Bartender: First of all, I'm not a robot. And second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam, defending this country for lazy jerks like you.
- Grampa: Can't get a good sasparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood.
- Bartender: Heh, you like it, huh?
- Grampa: Up yours!
- Grampa: Can I go to the bathroom before we leave?
- Homer: But we gotta get home. I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio. Tonight is F. Murray Abraham.
- Grampa: But I really need to-
- Homer: [stern] F. Murray Abraham!
- [[[Doctor Hibbert]] looks at Grampa's X-rays]
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh, dear God! This man's kidneys have exploded! There's nothing left!
- Marge: Oh, no!
- Homer: Yeah, that's what happens when you get older. It's one of those natural things. Beautiful, in it's way.
- Dr. Hibbert: Uh, actually, his kidneys were fine yesterday when he had his annual checkup.
- Homer: Excuse me, Doctor, I think I know a little something about medicene.
- Grampa: I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something.
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over.
- Grampa: How long do I have to live, Doc?
- Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] I'm amazed your alive now.
- Homer: I'm the luckiest man in the world... now that Lou Gherig's dead.
- Homer: It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor said it's just a procedure.
- Moe: No, no, no. Makin' polenta, that's a procedure. You're talking about deadly, life-thretening surgery here.
- Moe: Listen, I'm just gonna to get right to the point here. Can I have your buttocks, I mean, if you die? They look pretty comfortable.
- Homer: Yeah, I guess.
- Carl: And, uh, are those your original lips?
- Homer: Well, actually, I - Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes!
- Homer: I'll do it! But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me?
- Marge: Oh, anything sweetheart!
- Homer: Blow up the hospital.
- Marge: Hrmmmm. Well, I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to.
- Grampa: Am I dead yet?
- Marge: No.
- Grampa: How 'bout now?
- Marge: No.
- Grampa: Now?
- Marge: I'll tell you when you're deadm Grampa.
- Grampa: Thank you.
- Homer: The sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains. I hate them so much!
- [Homer hangs onto the side of a tramp steamer]
- Homer: I'd like to apply for a job. Any job. If you don't have a captain, I can be that.
- Captain McCallister: Yar, what other ships have ye been on?
- [Homer points to a store shaped like a ship]
- Homer: I've been on that one. The taffy shop.
- Captain McCallister: Arr, good enough.
- Captain McCallister: Welcome aboard the ship of... [dramatic] lost souls.
- Homer: The name on the back says "Honeybunch".
- Captain McCallister: Yar, I've been meaning to paint over that.
- [in Grampa's hospital room, Marge turns to Reverend Lovejoy)
- Marge: Aren't you going to give him the last rites?
- Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.
- Lisa: Dr. Hibbert, I thought you located another kidney for Grampa.
- Dr. Hibbert: Larry Hagman took it! He's got five of them now. And three hearts. We didn't want to give them to him, but he overpowered us.
- Dr. Hibbert: While we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in, we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father.
