Difference between revisions of "Shoddy Heat/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 19:23, October 28, 2024

Grampa: [voiceover] They say women are like soda water. They go better with a gallon of scotch. And when the weather is hot, we drink a lot. And sometimes it's so hot people open their windows to let the air in, and their secrets out.

Homer: Typical. My entire life you've never done one nice thing for me. And I'm always kind and loving. So redirect that AC or we're moving you to a worse home.

Grampa: There is no worse home.

Homer: I mean the one they put veterans in.

Grampa: You monster! Elder abuse!

Grampa: What are we doing here?

Chief Wiggum: We're here because when they dug up one grave, they saw something no one should see. Come on, kids. Let me show ya. Get your phones.

Bart: Grampa, you were a private detective? It takes you an hour to find your socks.

Young Agnes Skinner: I'm Agnes Skinner. And I want you to follow my boyfriend.

Young Grampa: Oh. Who's your boyfriend?

Young Agnes: A rich bald vulture by the name of Montgomery Burns. I think he's cheating on me with someone younger and sexier.

Young Grampa: I don't buy your story.

Young Agnes: Which part?

Young Grampa: The part where there's someone younger and sexier than you.

Young Homer: I don't get a new mommy?

Young Grampa: I'll be your daddy and your mommy, Son. Now, be quiet and leave me alone.

Chief Wiggum: What did your partner say when he got back?

Grampa: Nothing. Which isn't surprising because he never came back.

Lou: Never came back? What did you do?

Grampa: Got new business cards. "Abe Simpson and nobody. Private investigators."

Chief Wiggum: Oh, yeah? How'd you like it if we put you in an interrogation room with a bare light bulb, no bathroom, and a cold steel chair with an uneven leg?

Grampa: I'd call that an upgrade.

Marge: I can't believe it. Would Grampa really not look for his partner?

Homer: It's exactly what he would do. He didn't look for his missing wife. He couldn't find our runaway dog. He didn't realize I was lost at the zoo until the chimpanzee in the car seat threw up. He still sends that monkey birthday cards.

Bart: Coffin, eh? You're saying he's a vampire?

Lisa: [imitating Count Dracula] Yes, he's a vampire. We must inwestigate his blood. Blah!

Bart: You're treating me like a child. And I love it. Say "blah" two more times and I'm in.

Lisa: Blah. Blah.

Lou: Chief, that's the old man's granddaughter.

Chief Wiggum: And you didn't want to set up a stakeout.

Lou: No, I wanted to. You didn't.

Chief Wiggum: Well, somebody did... Shut up.

Lisa: I always looked up to you, Grampa.

Grampa: Well, I'm shrinking every day. So I'll be down to you mighty soon.

Lou: Two visitors in one day. There's something rotten in the state of Denmark.

Chief Wiggum: [scoffs] Is that the state we're in? Denmark? Ha!

Principal Skinner: You wanna play Chex box?

Bart: You mean Xbox?

Principal Skinner: No, Chex box. There are two extremely challenging mazes on the back. Would you like to get the spoon back to the dishwasher or help the milk find the refrigerator?

Bart: Oh, I'd like the principal to find his manhood, if you don't mind.

Principal Skinner: I am muy macho, amigo. Now, choose your Hello Kitty pencil and get tracing.

Charles Montgomery Burns: How did you get through the unguarded grounds and sliding door?

Young Mr. Burns: Let's make a deal. You forget about your ex-partner, and I'll give your son a job when he grows up.

Young Grampa: He don't need your help.

Young Homer: Daddy. Daddy!

Young Mr. Burns: I will give that poor, pathetic knuckle-brain a job and never fire him, no matter how often and how badly he messes up.

Young Homer: Help! Help!

Mr. Burns: And that's why your son wasn't fired for screwing up 742 times. Tarnation, is he bad!

Homer: No matter how big of an idiot I am, I can never lose my job! I'm like a Supreme Court Justice.

Mr. Burns: Me? Kill someone? Oh, sure, blame the ruthless villain.

Billy O'Donnell: Abe, is that you? Wow, look at you. [chuckles] You aged terribly.

Grampa: You're alive?

Billy O'Donnell: Well, if you call drinking rum out of a coconut, surfing, and hanging out with beautiful women "living," then yeah, I guess I've been living. [chuckles]

Agnes: I wanted you to think Burns killed your partner. So you would kill Burns.

Mr. Burns: Why would anyone want to kill me?

Agnes: Because when I got to know you, I realized your heart was as ugly and withered as your ass.

Agnes: And Abe, remember this, you were too good a lover to be more than just a friend.

Grampa: What does that mean?

Agnes: I'm trying to leave you with something.

Grampa: I'll take it!