Difference between revisions of "Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)/Quotes"
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
m (Bot: Removing from Category:Quotes) |
(Giant reformat (far from perfect)) |
||
| Line 2: | Line 2: | ||
{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)|Radioactive Man}} | {{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)|Radioactive Man}} | ||
| − | '''Willie:''' It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingerrrs. Look at 'em! ''[holds them up]'' I got it from ''{{w|Space Invaders}}'' in 1977. | + | :'''Willie:''' It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingerrrs. Look at 'em! ''[holds them up]'' I got it from ''{{w|Space Invaders}}'' in 1977. |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' Aw, yeah. That was a pretty addictive video game. | |
| − | '''Wiggum:''' Aw, yeah. That was a pretty addictive video game. | + | :'''Willie:''' ''[surprised]'' Video game? |
| − | |||
| − | '''Willie:''' ''[surprised]'' Video game? | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Kent Brockman | + | :'''Kent Brockman''': Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. [scene shows Burns being loaded into an ambulance] At 3:00 p.m. Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at town hall. [still shots of Burns and town hall] Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. ''[scene shows Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital]'' He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to "alive". ''[scene shows Springfield General Hospital]'' Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum. |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' ''[eating an ice cream]'' Oh. Oh, hiya, Kent. Ahem. Uh, right now, we are questioning two witnesses who were in the vicinity at the time. | |
| − | Wiggum: [eating an ice cream] Oh. Oh, hiya, Kent. Ahem. Uh, right now, we are questioning two witnesses who were in the vicinity at the time. | + | ''[scene shows Lou holding a photo of Smithers at someone]'' |
| − | + | :'''Lou:''' Did you see this guy? Was he anywhere near the parking lot when Burns got shot? | |
| − | [scene shows Lou holding a photo of Smithers at someone] | + | ''[camera shows Maggie and SLH being questioned]'' |
| − | + | :'''Eddie:''' No, it's no use. They ain't talking. | |
| − | Lou: Did you see this guy? Was he anywhere near the parking lot when Burns got shot? | ||
| − | |||
| − | [camera shows Maggie and SLH being questioned] | ||
| − | |||
| − | Eddie: No, it's no use. They ain't talking. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Lisa: Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns, even us. [everyone groans in agreement] Bart, he broke your dog's legs. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad—well, you kind of went berserk when he couldn't remember your name. | + | :'''Lisa:''' Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns, even us. ''[everyone groans in agreement]'' Bart, he broke your dog's legs. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad—well, you kind of went berserk when he couldn't remember your name. |
| − | + | :'''Bart:''' Aren't we forgetting someone...Sister Suspect? | |
| − | Bart: Aren't we forgetting someone...Sister Suspect? | + | :'''Lisa:''' ''[chuckling sheepishly]'' I was just getting to me. Because of Mr. Burns, they canceled my jazz program, and my friend Tito Puente got fired...but I could never shoot someone. |
| − | + | :'''Bart:''' Could so. | |
| − | Lisa: [chuckling sheepishly] I was just getting to me. Because of Mr. Burns, they canceled my jazz program, and my friend Tito Puente got fired...but I could never shoot someone. | + | :'''Lisa:''' Could not. |
| − | + | :'''Bart:''' Could so. | |
| − | Bart: Could so. | + | :'''Lisa:''' Could not. |
| − | + | :'''Bart:''' Could so! | |
| − | Lisa: Could not. | + | :'''Lisa:''' Could not! |
| − | + | :'''Homer:''' ''[interrupting]'' Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers. | |
| − | Bart: Could so. | + | :'''Marge:''' The police already have a suspect: it's Mr. Smithers. |
| − | + | ''[everyone talks about how plausible that is]'' | |
| − | Lisa: Could not. | + | :'''Abe:''' Yeah, Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. ''[leaves]'' |
| − | + | :'''Lisa:''' We don't have an outhouse. | |
| − | Bart: Could so! | + | :'''Homer:''' ''[gasps]'' My toolshed! Oh, Dad... |
| − | |||
| − | Lisa: Could not! | ||
| − | |||
| − | Homer: [interrupting] Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Marge: The police already have a suspect: it's Mr. Smithers. | ||
| − | [everyone talks about how plausible that is] | ||
| − | |||
| − | Abe: Yeah, Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. [leaves] | ||
| − | |||
| − | Lisa: We don't have an outhouse. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Homer: [gasps] My toolshed! Oh, Dad... | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Moe: Hey, Homer: us hotheads here is going to go tear down Burns' sun-blocking machine. You want to come with? | + | :'''Moe:''' Hey, Homer: us hotheads here is going to go tear down Burns' sun-blocking machine. You want to come with? |
| − | + | :'''Homer:''' Sure. I've had it up to here with these damn rickets! ''[waddles toward tow truck]'' | |
| − | Homer: Sure. I've had it up to here with these damn rickets! [waddles toward tow truck] | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Smithers: Mmm...this guilt is driving me mad! I've got to tell someone. [walks into a church and goes to the confession booth] Father, I'm not a Catholic, but...well, I tried to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade. But anyway, I've got a...rather large sin to confess. [sniffles] I'm the one who...shot Mr. Burns! | + | :'''Smithers:''' Mmm...this guilt is driving me mad! I've got to tell someone. ''[walks into a church and goes to the confession booth]'' Father, I'm not a Catholic, but...well, I tried to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade. But anyway, I've got a...rather large sin to confess. ''[sniffles]'' I'm the one who...shot Mr. Burns! |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' [pokes head out, cocks gun] That's all I needed to hear! Boy, this thing works great. | |
| − | Wiggum: [pokes head out, cocks gun] That's all I needed to hear! Boy, this thing works great. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Smithers: The man became consumed by greed. He'd steal from anyone! | + | :'''Smithers:''' The man became consumed by greed. He'd steal from anyone! |
| − | + | ''[flashback to first part]'' | |
| − | [flashback to first part] | + | :'''Smithers:''' This isn't a rival company you're battling with, it's a school. People won't stand for it. |
| − | + | :'''Burns:''' Pish posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby! Say, that sounds like a larf. | |
| − | Smithers: This isn't a rival company you're battling with, it's a school. People won't stand for it. | + | ''[back to the current time]'' |
| − | + | :'''Smithers:''' And when he tried to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy. | |
| − | Burns: Pish posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby! Say, that sounds like a larf. | ||
| − | |||
| − | [back to the current time] | ||
| − | |||
| − | Smithers: And when he tried to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Shutton: Uh, Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper. Who are you? Where are you going? | + | :'''Shutton:''' Uh, Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper. Who are you? Where are you going? |
| − | + | :'''Kent:''' Oh, do your research, Shutton! Uh, Kent Brockman, Channel Six News. How does it feel to be accused of the attempted murder of your boss and mentor? | |
| − | Kent: Oh, do your research, Shutton! Uh, Kent Brockman, Channel Six News. How does it feel to be accused of the attempted murder of your boss and mentor? | + | :'''Smithers:''' Kent, I...I feel about as low as Madonna when she found out she missed Tailhook. |
| − | + | :'''Kent:''' Oh. I'm going to say "Ouch" for Madonna! | |
| − | Smithers: Kent, I...I feel about as low as Madonna when she found out she missed Tailhook. | + | :'''Krusty:''' ''[watching on TV]'' Hey! That's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag! |
| − | + | :'''Sideshow Mel:''' And you stole it from last Friday's episode of "Pardon My Zinger". | |
| − | Kent: Oh. I'm going to say "Ouch" for Madonna! | + | :'''Krusty:''' Stole, made up, what's the difference? |
| − | + | :'''Sideshow Mel:''' Mr. Smithers must have seen that program too! He never misses it. ''[puffs pipe]'' Hmm...at the town meeting, he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that, as it seemed quite unusual. Ye Gods! To the police station, Krusty. | |
| − | Krusty: [watching on TV] Hey! That's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag! | ||
| − | |||
| − | Sideshow Mel: And you stole it from last Friday's episode of "Pardon My Zinger". | ||
| − | |||
| − | Krusty: Stole, made up, what's the difference? | ||
| − | |||
| − | Sideshow Mel: Mr. Smithers must have seen that program too! He never misses it. [puffs pipe] Hmm...at the town meeting, he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that, as it seemed quite unusual. Ye Gods! To the police station, Krusty. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Sideshow Mel: I am Melvin van Horne. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky. | + | :'''Sideshow Mel:''' I am Melvin van Horne. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky. |
| − | + | :'''Krusty:''' Hey hey. | |
| − | Krusty: Hey hey. | + | :'''Sideshow Mel:''' Officers: you have arrested an innocent man. |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' Really? | |
| − | Sideshow Mel: Officers: you have arrested an innocent man. | + | :'''Sideshow Mel:''' Mr. Burns was shot Friday at 3 p.m., the very time that Smithers was at home watching "Pardon My Zinger". So you see, he couldn't have done it. |
| − | + | :'''Smithers:''' ''[gasps]'' Yes, you're right! I remember now, I watched that entire show. In fact | |
| − | Wiggum: Really? | + | ''[flash to shot of Smithers's feet weaving down sidewalk]'' |
| − | + | :'''Smithers:''' ''[voice-over]'' I left the town meeting early so I could get home in time. ''[in a flashback]'' ''[slurred]'' Ohh, I've got to run or I'll miss the opening rank-out. [a shadow approaches in front] Get of my way, please. | |
| − | Sideshow Mel: Mr. Burns was shot Friday at 3 p.m., the very time that Smithers was at home watching "Pardon My Zinger". So you see, he couldn't have done it. | + | :'''Jasper:''' Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walking, not for fancy walking. |
| − | + | :'''Smithers:''' Get out of my way, I'm in a hurry. | |
| − | Smithers: [gasps] Yes, you're right! I remember now, I watched that entire show. In fact | + | :'''Jasper:''' You simmer down, I'll let you go. ''[Smithers pulls a gun, shoots]'' |
| − | + | ''[back to the current time]'' | |
| − | Smithers: [voice-over] I left the town meeting early so I could get home in time. [in a flashback] [slurred] Ohh, I've got to run or I'll miss the opening rank-out. [a shadow approaches in front] Get of my way, | + | :'''Smithers:''' So...instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse! |
| − | + | :'''Krusty:''' About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean! ''[makes electrocuting sound effects]'' | |
| − | Smithers: Get out of my way, I'm in a hurry. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Jasper: You simmer down, I'll let you go. [Smithers pulls a gun, shoots] | ||
| − | |||
| − | [back to the current time] | ||
| − | |||
| − | Smithers: So...instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse! | ||
| − | |||
| − | Krusty: About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean! [makes electrocuting sound effects] | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Jasper: You shot who in the what, now? | + | :'''Jasper:''' You shot who in the what, now? |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Kent Brockman: And with the prime suspect cleared and found completely innocent, we must now ask ourselves: who could possibly be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers? | + | :'''Kent Brockman:''' And with the prime suspect cleared and found completely innocent, we must now ask ourselves: who could possibly be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers? |
| − | + | :'''Marge:''' I guess it's never the most likely suspect. | |
| − | Marge: I guess it's never the most likely suspect. | + | :'''Lisa:''' Actually, Mom, in 95% of cases, it is. The rest of the time, it's usually some deranged lunatic who did it for no reason. |
| − | Lisa: Actually, Mom, in 95% of cases, it is. The rest of the time, it's usually some deranged lunatic who did it for no reason. | + | ''[everyone looks at Homer]'' |
| − | + | :'''Homer:''' Hey! I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name. | |
| − | [everyone looks at Homer] | + | ''[flashback to part one]'' |
| − | + | :'''Burns:''' Who the devil are you? | |
| − | Homer: Hey! I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name. | + | :'''Homer:''' ''[loses it, rushes Burns]'' Homer Simpson! |
| − | + | :'''Burns:''' You're just babbling incoherently. | |
| − | [flashback to part one] | + | :'''Homer:''' My name is Homer Simpson... |
| − | + | ''[back to the current time]'' | |
| − | Burns: Who the devil are you? | + | :'''Lisa:''' Well I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder. |
| − | + | :'''Abe:''' Eh...you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong. | |
| − | Homer: [loses it, rushes Burns] Homer Simpson! | + | :'''Lisa:''' Nancy Drew says that all you need to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an |
| − | |||
| − | Burns: You're just babbling incoherently. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Homer: My name is Homer Simpson... | ||
| − | |||
| − | [back to the current time] | ||
| − | |||
| − | Lisa: Well I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Abe: Eh...you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Lisa: Nancy Drew says that all you need to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an | ||
inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this. | inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this. | ||
| − | + | :'''Marge:''' Mmmmm...I think you're a little young to be investigating an attempted murder. Why don't you try to solve the mystery of who put that mud in the freezer? | |
| − | Marge: Mmmmm...I think you're a little young to be investigating an attempted murder. Why don't you try to solve the mystery of who put that mud in the freezer? | + | :'''Bart:''' Who wants chocolate ice cream? |
| − | + | :'''Homer:''' Me, me, me! | |
| − | Bart: Who wants chocolate ice cream? | ||
| − | |||
| − | Homer: Me, me, me! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Wiggum: OK, boys, we've got a clue: the bullet they took out of Burns. Now, let's discuss the, um...[picks up an Agatha Christie book] mo-tive. | + | :'''Wiggum:''' OK, boys, we've got a clue: the bullet they took out of Burns. Now, let's discuss the, um...''[picks up an Agatha Christie book]'' mo-tive. |
| − | + | :'''Lisa:''' Mr. Burns is the richest man in town. Maybe it's about money. | |
| − | Lisa: Mr. Burns is the richest man in town. Maybe it's about money. | + | :'''Wiggum:''' That's some good thinkin', Lou. |
| − | + | :'''Lou:''' Aw, thanks, Chief. | |
| − | Wiggum: That's some good thinkin', Lou. | + | :'''Lisa:''' ''[below desk level]'' Hey! I said that. My name is Lisa Simpson and I made a chart of all the suspects in the Burns case. Look! [holds up a card] Mr. Burns hurt all these people financially. Nightclub owner Moe Szyslak: his bar was closed because of Burns' negligence. Liquor connoisseur Barney Gumbel: when Moe's closed, Barney lost his only means of support—sucking coins out of the Love Tester machine. Dedicated educator Principal Seymour Skinner: his school lost millions when Burns pirated its oil well. And grounds tender Groundskeeper Willy: he lost his job and his dream of owning a fine crystal slop bucket. |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' Hey, what about that jazz teacher that got laid off? You know, uh, Mr. Samba? Senor Mambo? What was it? | |
| − | Lou: Aw, thanks, Chief. | + | :'''Lisa:''' Tito Puente? |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' Yeah. | |
| − | Lisa: [below desk level] Hey! I said that. My name is Lisa Simpson and I made a chart of all the suspects in the Burns case. Look! [holds up a card] Mr. Burns hurt all these people financially. Nightclub owner Moe Szyslak: his bar was closed because of Burns' negligence. Liquor connoisseur Barney Gumbel: when Moe's closed, Barney lost his only means of support—sucking coins out of the Love Tester machine. Dedicated educator Principal Seymour Skinner: his school lost millions when Burns pirated its oil well. And grounds tender Groundskeeper Willy: he lost his job and his dream of owning a fine crystal slop bucket. | + | :'''Lisa:''' Well, he did vow revenge, heh heh. [pause] But I can't see him doing something illegal. He's in show business, he's a celebrity.... |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' Let's roll, boys. | |
| − | Wiggum: Hey, what about that jazz teacher that got laid off? You know, uh, Mr. Samba? Senor Mambo? What was it? | ||
| − | |||
| − | Lisa: Tito Puente? | ||
| − | |||
| − | Wiggum: Yeah. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Lisa: Well, he did vow revenge, heh heh. [pause] But I can't see him doing something illegal. He's in show business, he's a celebrity.... | ||
| − | |||
| − | Wiggum: Let's roll, boys. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Tito: Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets when I could set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge: uno, dos, tres! | + | :'''Tito:''' Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets when I could set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge: uno, dos, tres! |
| − | + | ''[band starts playing salsa music]'' | |
| − | [band starts playing salsa music] | + | :'''Singer:''' Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song. Burns will always carry with him. ''[shot of Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou bobbing to the beat]'' So I'll settle my score on the salsa floor. With this vengeful Latin rhythm. ''[shots of chef with tray of clams opening their mouths in rhythm and man at condom machine buying many condoms]'' |
| − | + | :'''Chorus:''' Burns! ''[trumpet riff]'' | |
| − | Singer: Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song. Burns will always carry with him. [shot of Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou bobbing to the beat] So I'll settle my score on the salsa floor. With this vengeful Latin rhythm. [shots of chef with tray of clams opening their mouths in rhythm and man at condom machine buying many condoms] | + | :'''Singer:''' Con un corazon de perro. |
| − | + | :'''Chorus:''' Senor Burns! ''[trumpet riff]'' | |
| − | Chorus: Burns! [trumpet riff] | + | :'''Singer:''' El diablo con dinero. ''[mambo riff]'' It may not surprise you, but all of us despise you. Please die, and fry in hell. You rotten rich old wretch. Adios viejo! ''[trumpet riff; end of song]'' |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' ''[clapping]'' Yeah! OK, OK, I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all our suspects are this much fun. | |
| − | Singer: Con un corazon de perro. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Chorus: Senor Burns! [trumpet riff] | ||
| − | |||
| − | Singer: El diablo con dinero. [mambo riff] It may not surprise you, but all of us despise you. Please die, and fry in hell. You rotten rich old wretch. Adios viejo! [trumpet riff; end of song] | ||
| − | |||
| − | Wiggum: [clapping] Yeah! OK, OK, I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all our suspects are this much fun. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Skinner: I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. When it adjourned, I rushed to the lavatory to apply my camouflage makeup -- | + | :'''Skinner:''' I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. When it adjourned, I rushed to the lavatory to apply my camouflage makeup -- |
| − | + | ''[flashback to Skinner in washroom]'' | |
| − | [flashback to Skinner in washroom] | + | :'''Skinner:''' ''[with eyeshadow and lipstick on]'' Blast! I took Mother's makeup kit by mistake. |
| − | + | :'''Chalmers:''' ''[walking in]'' Ooh, er, excuse me, ma'am. | |
| − | Skinner: [with eyeshadow and lipstick on] Blast! I took Mother's makeup kit by mistake. | + | :'''Skinner:''' ''[gasps]'' Superintendent Chalmers! |
| − | + | :'''Chalmers:''' ''[slowly]'' Oh my God... ''[a shot sounds outside]'' | |
| − | Chalmers: [walking in] Ooh, er, excuse me, ma'am. | + | ''[back to the current time]'' |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts? | |
| − | Skinner: [gasps] Superintendent Chalmers! | + | :'''Skinner:''' Oh, yes. But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie. |
| − | |||
| − | Chalmers: [slowly] Oh my God... [a shot sounds outside] | ||
| − | |||
| − | [back to the current time] | ||
| − | |||
| − | Wiggum: So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts? | ||
| − | |||
| − | Skinner: Oh, yes. But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Mr. Burns? | + | :'''Eddie:''' Did you hold a grudge against Mr. Burns? |
| − | + | :'''Moe:''' No! | |
| − | Moe: No! | + | ''[The lie detector buzzes, indicating a lie.]'' |
| − | + | :'''Moe:''' Okay, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him! | |
| − | + | ''[The lie detector dings, indicating the truth.]'' | |
| − | + | :'''Eddie:''' Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go. | |
| − | Moe: Okay, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him! | + | :'''Moe:''' Good, 'cause I've got a hot date tonight! ''[buzz]'' Odd date. ''[buzz]'' Dinner with friends. ''[buzz]'' Dinner alone. ''[buzz]'' Watching TV alone. ''[buzz]'' Alright! I'm just going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! ''[buzz]'' Sears catalog. ''[ding]'' Now, would you unhook this already, please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! ''[buzz]'' |
| − | |||
| − | |||
| − | |||
| − | Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Moe: Good, 'cause I've got a hot date tonight! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Marge: Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't in there. Have you seen it? | + | :'''Marge:''' Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't in there. Have you seen it? |
| − | + | :'''Grampa:''' You accuse me of everything around here! "Who put slippers in the dishwasher?" "Who threw a cane at the TV?" "Who fell into the china hutch?" | |
| − | Grampa: You accuse me of everything around here! "Who put slippers in the dishwasher?" "Who threw a cane at the TV?" "Who fell into the china hutch?" | + | :'''Marge:''' I was just asking if you've seen it. There's no need for you to be a prickly pear. ''[Walks away]'' |
| − | + | :'''Grampa:''' ''[Holds up gun and strokes it]'' Oh, your the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad. | |
| − | Marge: I was just asking if you've seen it. There's no need for you to be a prickly pear. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Grampa: | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Lisa: | + | :'''Lisa:''' ''[slowly, in Chief Wiggum's dream]'' Chief… Wiggum… Don't… Eat … The clues… |
| − | + | ''[Chief Wiggum finds a flaming card, while Lisa holds up another flaming card.]'' | |
| − | + | :'''Lisa:''' ''[slowly]'' This suit burns better… Look! | |
| − | + | :'''Chief Wiggum:''' What? | |
| − | Lisa: | + | :'''Lisa:''' ''[slowly, holding the card closer]'' Better… Look! Burns' suit… |
| − | + | :'''Chief Wiggum:''' I'm not following you. | |
| − | Chief Wiggum: What? | + | :'''Lisa:''' ''[slowly]'' Burns' suit! Burns' suit! |
| − | + | :'''Chief Wiggum:''' Huh? | |
| − | Lisa: | + | :'''Lisa:''' ''[normal voice]'' Look at Burns' suit! Geesh! |
| − | + | ''[Eddie wakes Chief Wiggum up from his dream.]'' | |
| − | Chief Wiggum: I'm not following you. | + | :'''Eddie:''' Hey, Chief. I have an idea. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he was shot? |
| − | + | :'''Chief Wiggum:''' Did you have the same dream with backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards? | |
| − | Lisa: | + | :'''Eddie:''' ''[hastily]'' I'll drive. |
| − | |||
| − | Chief Wiggum: Huh? | ||
| − | |||
| − | Lisa: | ||
| − | |||
| − | |||
| − | |||
| − | Eddie: Hey, Chief. I have an idea. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he was shot? | ||
| − | |||
| − | Chief Wiggum: Did you have the same dream with backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards? | ||
| − | |||
| − | Eddie: | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | DNA Guy: Ooh, nice eyelash. Yours? | + | :'''DNA Guy:''' Ooh, nice eyelash. Yours? |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' No. We need to find out who it belonged to. We want a DNA test. | |
| − | Wiggum: No. We need to find out who it belonged to. We want a DNA test. | + | :'''DNA Guy:''' Ooh, ooh, ee, ooh, ooh, that takes, uh, 8 to 10 weeks. |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' ''[sighs, hands him a carton of cigarettes]'' | |
| − | DNA Guy: Ooh, ooh, ee, ooh, ooh, that takes, uh, 8 to 10 weeks. | + | :'''DNA Guy:''' Did I say weeks? 'Cause I meant seconds. ''[runs over to another machine, grabs a card from it; puts it in a computer]'' |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' What do you got, the whole town's DNA on file? | |
| − | Wiggum: [sighs, hands him a carton of cigarettes] | + | :'''DNA guy:''' Y'uh huh. If you've ever handled a penny, the government's got your DNA. Why do you think they keep 'em in circulation? |
| − | |||
| − | DNA Guy: Did I say weeks? 'Cause I meant seconds. [runs over to another machine, grabs a card from it; puts it in a computer] | ||
| − | |||
| − | Wiggum: What do you got, the whole town's DNA on file? | ||
| − | |||
| − | DNA guy: Y'uh huh. If you've ever handled a penny, the government's got your DNA. Why do you think they keep 'em in circulation? | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Mr. Burns: | + | :'''Mr. Burns:''' ''[wakes up]'' Homer Simpson! |
| − | + | :'''Eddie:''' Bingo! The gunman has a name-o! | |
| − | Eddie: Bingo! The gunman has a name-o! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | ''[The police barge into the Simpson home.]'' | |
| − | + | :'''Lisa:''' Hey! Chief Wiggum! What's going on? What are you doing? | |
| − | Lisa: Hey! Chief Wiggum! What's going on? What are you doing? | + | :'''Chief Wiggum:''' Sorry, kid. We found Simpson DNA on Mr. Burns' suit, and your father was identified by the old man himself. |
| − | + | ''[The Simpsons all gasp.]'' | |
| − | Chief Wiggum: Sorry, kid. We found Simpson DNA on Mr. Burns' suit, and your father was identified by the old man himself. | + | :'''Bart:''' ''[Scoffing]'' DNA, positive ID. Those won't hold up in any court. Run, Dad! |
| − | + | ''[Bart pushes Homer towards the door.]'' | |
| − | + | :'''Lou:''' ''[Holds up a gun]'' Hey, Chief! Look what I found underneath Homer Simpson's car seat. | |
| − | + | ''[Lou and Eddie check the gun for fingerprints.]'' | |
| − | Bart: | + | :'''Homer:''' I swear! I've never seen that gun before! |
| − | + | :'''Eddie:''' Oh, really? Then why are your fingerprints on it, sir? | |
| − | + | ''[Eddie holds up Homer's glass, which has the same fingerprints as the gun.]'' | |
| − | + | :'''Homer:''' Aaah! | |
| − | Lou: | + | :'''Chief Wiggum:''' ''[Pulls out a bullet from the gun.]'' This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns! Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder. |
| − | + | ''[Chief Wiggum handcuffs Homer]'' | |
| − | + | :'''Homer:''' D'oh! | |
| − | + | :'''Chief Wiggum:''' Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say, "D'oh." | |
| − | Homer: I swear! I've never seen that gun before! | ||
| − | |||
| − | Eddie: Oh, really? Then why are your fingerprints on it, sir? | ||
| − | |||
| − | |||
| − | |||
| − | Homer: Aaah! | ||
| − | |||
| − | Chief Wiggum: | ||
| − | |||
| − | |||
| − | |||
| − | Homer: D'oh! | ||
| − | |||
| − | Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say, "D'oh." | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Wiggum: We need two cups of coffee, and two orders of bite-sized breakfast pancakes. With extra dipping sauce. | + | :'''Wiggum:''' We need two cups of coffee, and two orders of bite-sized breakfast pancakes. With extra dipping sauce. |
| − | + | :'''Kid:''' Please pull up to the service window, please. | |
| − | Kid: Please pull up to the service window, please. | + | :'''Wiggum:''' ''[tries]'' The wagon's too tall! Oh, I don't want to have to get out. Ehh, I'll just drive up on the curb. ''[does so, leans out window to grab order; van starts tipping]'' |
| − | + | :'''Wiggum:''' Almost got it... | |
| − | Wiggum: [tries] The wagon's too tall! Oh, I don't want to have to get out. Ehh, I'll just drive up on the curb. [does so, leans out window to grab order; van starts tipping] | + | :'''Lou:''' Drop the food, chief! ''[van falls over; back door opens and Homer stands up]'' ''[Jasper pulls up in an old car]'' |
| − | + | :'''Jasper:''' ''[honks]'' Damn fools! Drive-thru's not for a-parking. [floors it, then skids to halt, pushing the van out forward ''[Homer hobbles in front of it, trying to avoid it]'' | |
| − | Wiggum: Almost got it... | + | :'''Kid:''' Diane? I'm going to take my break now. |
| − | |||
| − | Lou: Drop the food, chief! [van falls over; back door opens and Homer stands up] [Jasper pulls up in an old car] | ||
| − | |||
| − | Jasper: [honks] Damn fools! Drive-thru's not for a-parking. [floors it, then skids to halt, pushing the van out forward [Homer hobbles in front of it, trying to avoid it] | ||
| − | |||
| − | Kid: Diane? I'm going to take my break now. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Dr. Nick: Hi Everybody! | + | :'''Dr. Nick:''' Hi Everybody! |
| − | + | :'''Mr. Burns:''' Ho...mer...Simp...son! | |
| − | Mr. Burns: Ho...mer...Simp...son! | + | :'''Dr. Nick:''' Okay... That was a little strange... Umm... Tell me, how are you feeling today? |
| − | + | :'''Mr. Burns:''' Homer... Simpson, Homer... D'oh... Simpson. | |
| − | Dr. Nick: Okay... That was a little strange... Umm... Tell me, how are you feeling today? | + | :'''Dr. Nick:''' Hmm... That seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged? |
| − | |||
| − | Mr. Burns: Homer... Simpson, Homer... D'oh... Simpson. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Dr. Nick: Hmm... That seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged? | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Marge: The police have such a strong case against Homer! Mr. Burns said he did it, they found his DNA on Mr. Burns' suit. | + | :'''Marge:''' The police have such a strong case against Homer! Mr. Burns said he did it, they found his DNA on Mr. Burns' suit. |
| − | + | :'''Lisa:''' They have Simpson DNA; it could have come from any of us! Well, except you, since you're a Bouvier. | |
| − | Lisa: They have Simpson DNA; it could have come from any of us! Well, except you, since you're a Bouvier. | + | :'''Marge:''' No! No, no. When I took your father's name I took everything that came with it, including DNA! |
| − | + | :'''Lisa:''' Um...''[rolls her eyes]'' Okay, Mom. But like I'm saying, the evidence isn't as concrete as it seems. Like those fingerprints; they could have gotten on the gun some other way. | |
| − | Marge: No! No, no. When I took your father's name I took everything that came with it, including DNA! | + | ''[flashback to Lisa in the car with Homer]'' |
| − | + | :'''Lisa:''' Are you sure you don't want me to hold one of your ice cream cones? | |
| − | Lisa: Um... | + | :'''Homer:''' ''[driving with his knees]'' Pfft. Yeah, right. You chose fruit, you live with fruit. ''[one scoop falls out of the cone]'' D'oh! ''[reaches under seat]'' ''[touches Pipin Hot Bread 8-track]'' No... ''[touches pineapple air freshener]'' No... ''[touches gun]'' No... ''[touches lollipop]'' Ew! Why is this on the floor ''[puts it in his pocket]'' |
| − | + | ''[back to current time]'' | |
| − | [flashback to Lisa in the car with Homer] | + | :'''Lisa:''' And we don't even know whose gun that was! Maybe somebody planted it there to frame Dad. |
| − | Lisa: Are you sure you don't want me to hold one of your ice cream cones? | + | :'''Marge:''' No, we can't start thinking that way about our own family members. Suspicion could tear us apart. |
| − | |||
| − | Homer: [driving with his knees] Pfft. Yeah, right. You chose fruit, you live with fruit. [one scoop falls out of the cone] | ||
| − | D'oh! [reaches under seat] [touches Pipin | ||
| − | |||
| − | [back to current time] | ||
| − | Lisa: And we don't even know whose gun that was! Maybe somebody planted it there to frame Dad. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Marge: No, we can't start thinking that way about our own family members. Suspicion could tear us apart. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Wiggum: Here is a photo of the fugitive from our files. [holds up picture of Homer in a "Haig in '88" T-shirt] And now, Waylon Smithers, uh, who's been a real good sport about that wrongful arrest thing—whew! Heh--- has a, er, statement that he would like to make. Waylon? | + | :'''Wiggum:''' Here is a photo of the fugitive from our files. ''[holds up picture of Homer in a "Haig in '88" T-shirt]'' And now, Waylon Smithers, uh, who's been a real good sport about that wrongful arrest thing—whew! Heh--- has a, er, statement that he would like to make. Waylon? |
| − | + | :'''Smithers:''' Thank you. As Montgomery Burns' closest friend, I am certain there's nothing he would want more than swift, brutal revenge against Homer Simpson. Therefore I am offering a $50,000 reward for his capture—dead or alive. ''[everyone bustles off]'' | |
| − | Smithers: Thank you. As Montgomery Burns' closest friend, I am certain there's nothing he would want more than swift, brutal revenge against Homer Simpson. Therefore I am offering a $50,000 reward for his capture—dead or alive. [everyone bustles off] | + | :'''Wiggum:''' Oh, wow. Me first! Me first! |
| − | |||
| − | Wiggum: Oh, wow. Me first! Me first! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Burns: Homer Simpson? | + | :'''Burns:''' Homer Simpson? |
| − | + | :'''Homer:''' So, you finally learned my name, eh? | |
| − | Homer: So, you finally learned my name, eh? | + | :'''Burns:''' ''[shaking head]'' Homer Simpson. |
| − | + | :'''Homer:''' I've got no time for your demented parlor games. You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you. ''[reaches to strangle Burns]'' | |
| − | Burns: [shaking head] Homer Simpson. | ||
| − | |||
| − | Homer: I've got no time for your demented parlor games. You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Apu: Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass. | + | :'''Apu:''' Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Lisa: Stop! Don't shoot my Dad. He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly! [they open the door] | + | :'''Lisa:''' Stop! Don't shoot my Dad. He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly! ''[they open the door]'' |
| − | + | :'''Burns:''' ''[being strangled and shaken]'' Ho-mer Simp-son! Ho-mer Simp-son! | |
| − | Burns: [being strangled and shaken] Ho-mer Simp-son! Ho-mer Simp-son! | + | :'''Homer:''' Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me. |
| − | + | :'''Burns:''' ''[grunting]'' What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me? | |
| − | Homer: Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me. | + | :'''Homer:''' ''[loses it]'' D'ohhh! [grabs a gun, cocks it as Burns' head] Say it, Burns say I never shot you! Before. |
| − | + | :'''Burns:''' Shot? [chuckles] By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was--''[looks around, sees his assailant]'' Aah! Aah! Aah! M-Maggie Simpson! | |
| − | Burns: [grunting] What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me? | ||
| − | |||
| − | Homer: [loses it] D'ohhh! [grabs a gun, cocks it as Burns' head] Say it, Burns | ||
| − | |||
| − | Burns: Shot? [chuckles] By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable | ||
| − | digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was--[looks around, sees his assailant] Aah! Aah! Aah! M-Maggie Simpson! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence. | + | :'''Burns:''' Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Mr. Burns: | + | :'''Mr. Burns:''' ''[telling what happened after he got shot]'' Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid, but finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I immediately gave up hope, and I collapsed onto the sundial. |
| − | + | :'''Lisa:''' Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S. Or, from your point of view, M and S: Maggie Simpson. | |
| − | Lisa: Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S. Or, from your point of view, M and S: Maggie Simpson. | + | :'''Mr. Burns:''' What? No! With my last ounce of strength, I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have such sticky fingers. |
| − | + | :'''Marge:''' Well, I'm just glad you're back to full health and we can all get back to our everyday lives. And if Maggie could talk, I'm sure she'd apologize… | |
| − | Mr. Burns: What? No! With my last ounce of strength, I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have such sticky fingers. | + | :'''Mr. Burns:''' I'm afraid that's insufficient! ''[to Chief Wiggum]'' Officer, arrest the baby! |
| − | + | :'''Chief Wiggum:''' ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, right, pops! No jury in the world's ever going to convict a baby. ''[thinks to himself]'' Maybe Texas… | |
| − | Marge: Well, I'm just glad you're back to full health and we can all get back to our everyday lives. And if Maggie could talk, I'm sure she'd apologize… | + | :'''Marge:''' Besides, she didn't mean it; it was an accident. |
| − | + | ''[Maggie looks around in the room and sucks on her pacifier, which sound like muffled gunshots.]'' | |
| − | Mr. Burns: I'm afraid that's insufficient! | ||
| − | |||
| − | Chief Wiggum: | ||
| − | |||
| − | Marge: Besides, she didn't mean it; it was an accident. | ||
| − | |||
| − | |||
---- | ---- | ||
{{Season 7|Q}} | {{Season 7|Q}} | ||
Revision as of 11:11, October 23, 2018
|
|||||||||
|
|
|
- Willie: It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingerrrs. Look at 'em! [holds them up] I got it from Space Invaders in 1977.
- Wiggum: Aw, yeah. That was a pretty addictive video game.
- Willie: [surprised] Video game?
- Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. [scene shows Burns being loaded into an ambulance] At 3:00 p.m. Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at town hall. [still shots of Burns and town hall] Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. [scene shows Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital] He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to "alive". [scene shows Springfield General Hospital] Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum.
- Wiggum: [eating an ice cream] Oh. Oh, hiya, Kent. Ahem. Uh, right now, we are questioning two witnesses who were in the vicinity at the time.
[scene shows Lou holding a photo of Smithers at someone]
- Lou: Did you see this guy? Was he anywhere near the parking lot when Burns got shot?
[camera shows Maggie and SLH being questioned]
- Eddie: No, it's no use. They ain't talking.
- Lisa: Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns, even us. [everyone groans in agreement] Bart, he broke your dog's legs. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad—well, you kind of went berserk when he couldn't remember your name.
- Bart: Aren't we forgetting someone...Sister Suspect?
- Lisa: [chuckling sheepishly] I was just getting to me. Because of Mr. Burns, they canceled my jazz program, and my friend Tito Puente got fired...but I could never shoot someone.
- Bart: Could so.
- Lisa: Could not.
- Bart: Could so.
- Lisa: Could not.
- Bart: Could so!
- Lisa: Could not!
- Homer: [interrupting] Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.
- Marge: The police already have a suspect: it's Mr. Smithers.
[everyone talks about how plausible that is]
- Abe: Yeah, Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. [leaves]
- Lisa: We don't have an outhouse.
- Homer: [gasps] My toolshed! Oh, Dad...
- Moe: Hey, Homer: us hotheads here is going to go tear down Burns' sun-blocking machine. You want to come with?
- Homer: Sure. I've had it up to here with these damn rickets! [waddles toward tow truck]
- Smithers: Mmm...this guilt is driving me mad! I've got to tell someone. [walks into a church and goes to the confession booth] Father, I'm not a Catholic, but...well, I tried to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade. But anyway, I've got a...rather large sin to confess. [sniffles] I'm the one who...shot Mr. Burns!
- Wiggum: [pokes head out, cocks gun] That's all I needed to hear! Boy, this thing works great.
- Smithers: The man became consumed by greed. He'd steal from anyone!
[flashback to first part]
- Smithers: This isn't a rival company you're battling with, it's a school. People won't stand for it.
- Burns: Pish posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby! Say, that sounds like a larf.
[back to the current time]
- Smithers: And when he tried to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.
- Shutton: Uh, Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper. Who are you? Where are you going?
- Kent: Oh, do your research, Shutton! Uh, Kent Brockman, Channel Six News. How does it feel to be accused of the attempted murder of your boss and mentor?
- Smithers: Kent, I...I feel about as low as Madonna when she found out she missed Tailhook.
- Kent: Oh. I'm going to say "Ouch" for Madonna!
- Krusty: [watching on TV] Hey! That's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag!
- Sideshow Mel: And you stole it from last Friday's episode of "Pardon My Zinger".
- Krusty: Stole, made up, what's the difference?
- Sideshow Mel: Mr. Smithers must have seen that program too! He never misses it. [puffs pipe] Hmm...at the town meeting, he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that, as it seemed quite unusual. Ye Gods! To the police station, Krusty.
- Sideshow Mel: I am Melvin van Horne. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.
- Krusty: Hey hey.
- Sideshow Mel: Officers: you have arrested an innocent man.
- Wiggum: Really?
- Sideshow Mel: Mr. Burns was shot Friday at 3 p.m., the very time that Smithers was at home watching "Pardon My Zinger". So you see, he couldn't have done it.
- Smithers: [gasps] Yes, you're right! I remember now, I watched that entire show. In fact
[flash to shot of Smithers's feet weaving down sidewalk]
- Smithers: [voice-over] I left the town meeting early so I could get home in time. [in a flashback] [slurred] Ohh, I've got to run or I'll miss the opening rank-out. [a shadow approaches in front] Get of my way, please.
- Jasper: Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walking, not for fancy walking.
- Smithers: Get out of my way, I'm in a hurry.
- Jasper: You simmer down, I'll let you go. [Smithers pulls a gun, shoots]
[back to the current time]
- Smithers: So...instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse!
- Krusty: About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean! [makes electrocuting sound effects]
- Jasper: You shot who in the what, now?
- Kent Brockman: And with the prime suspect cleared and found completely innocent, we must now ask ourselves: who could possibly be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers?
- Marge: I guess it's never the most likely suspect.
- Lisa: Actually, Mom, in 95% of cases, it is. The rest of the time, it's usually some deranged lunatic who did it for no reason.
[everyone looks at Homer]
- Homer: Hey! I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name.
[flashback to part one]
- Burns: Who the devil are you?
- Homer: [loses it, rushes Burns] Homer Simpson!
- Burns: You're just babbling incoherently.
- Homer: My name is Homer Simpson...
[back to the current time]
- Lisa: Well I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder.
- Abe: Eh...you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.
- Lisa: Nancy Drew says that all you need to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an
inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this.
- Marge: Mmmmm...I think you're a little young to be investigating an attempted murder. Why don't you try to solve the mystery of who put that mud in the freezer?
- Bart: Who wants chocolate ice cream?
- Homer: Me, me, me!
- Wiggum: OK, boys, we've got a clue: the bullet they took out of Burns. Now, let's discuss the, um...[picks up an Agatha Christie book] mo-tive.
- Lisa: Mr. Burns is the richest man in town. Maybe it's about money.
- Wiggum: That's some good thinkin', Lou.
- Lou: Aw, thanks, Chief.
- Lisa: [below desk level] Hey! I said that. My name is Lisa Simpson and I made a chart of all the suspects in the Burns case. Look! [holds up a card] Mr. Burns hurt all these people financially. Nightclub owner Moe Szyslak: his bar was closed because of Burns' negligence. Liquor connoisseur Barney Gumbel: when Moe's closed, Barney lost his only means of support—sucking coins out of the Love Tester machine. Dedicated educator Principal Seymour Skinner: his school lost millions when Burns pirated its oil well. And grounds tender Groundskeeper Willy: he lost his job and his dream of owning a fine crystal slop bucket.
- Wiggum: Hey, what about that jazz teacher that got laid off? You know, uh, Mr. Samba? Senor Mambo? What was it?
- Lisa: Tito Puente?
- Wiggum: Yeah.
- Lisa: Well, he did vow revenge, heh heh. [pause] But I can't see him doing something illegal. He's in show business, he's a celebrity....
- Wiggum: Let's roll, boys.
- Tito: Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets when I could set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge: uno, dos, tres!
[band starts playing salsa music]
- Singer: Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song. Burns will always carry with him. [shot of Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou bobbing to the beat] So I'll settle my score on the salsa floor. With this vengeful Latin rhythm. [shots of chef with tray of clams opening their mouths in rhythm and man at condom machine buying many condoms]
- Chorus: Burns! [trumpet riff]
- Singer: Con un corazon de perro.
- Chorus: Senor Burns! [trumpet riff]
- Singer: El diablo con dinero. [mambo riff] It may not surprise you, but all of us despise you. Please die, and fry in hell. You rotten rich old wretch. Adios viejo! [trumpet riff; end of song]
- Wiggum: [clapping] Yeah! OK, OK, I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all our suspects are this much fun.
- Skinner: I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. When it adjourned, I rushed to the lavatory to apply my camouflage makeup --
[flashback to Skinner in washroom]
- Skinner: [with eyeshadow and lipstick on] Blast! I took Mother's makeup kit by mistake.
- Chalmers: [walking in] Ooh, er, excuse me, ma'am.
- Skinner: [gasps] Superintendent Chalmers!
- Chalmers: [slowly] Oh my God... [a shot sounds outside]
[back to the current time]
- Wiggum: So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
- Skinner: Oh, yes. But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.
- Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Mr. Burns?
- Moe: No!
[The lie detector buzzes, indicating a lie.]
- Moe: Okay, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him!
[The lie detector dings, indicating the truth.]
- Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
- Moe: Good, 'cause I've got a hot date tonight! [buzz] Odd date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] Alright! I'm just going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! [buzz] Sears catalog. [ding] Now, would you unhook this already, please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]
- Marge: Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't in there. Have you seen it?
- Grampa: You accuse me of everything around here! "Who put slippers in the dishwasher?" "Who threw a cane at the TV?" "Who fell into the china hutch?"
- Marge: I was just asking if you've seen it. There's no need for you to be a prickly pear. [Walks away]
- Grampa: [Holds up gun and strokes it] Oh, your the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad.
- Lisa: [slowly, in Chief Wiggum's dream] Chief… Wiggum… Don't… Eat … The clues…
[Chief Wiggum finds a flaming card, while Lisa holds up another flaming card.]
- Lisa: [slowly] This suit burns better… Look!
- Chief Wiggum: What?
- Lisa: [slowly, holding the card closer] Better… Look! Burns' suit…
- Chief Wiggum: I'm not following you.
- Lisa: [slowly] Burns' suit! Burns' suit!
- Chief Wiggum: Huh?
- Lisa: [normal voice] Look at Burns' suit! Geesh!
[Eddie wakes Chief Wiggum up from his dream.]
- Eddie: Hey, Chief. I have an idea. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he was shot?
- Chief Wiggum: Did you have the same dream with backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?
- Eddie: [hastily] I'll drive.
- DNA Guy: Ooh, nice eyelash. Yours?
- Wiggum: No. We need to find out who it belonged to. We want a DNA test.
- DNA Guy: Ooh, ooh, ee, ooh, ooh, that takes, uh, 8 to 10 weeks.
- Wiggum: [sighs, hands him a carton of cigarettes]
- DNA Guy: Did I say weeks? 'Cause I meant seconds. [runs over to another machine, grabs a card from it; puts it in a computer]
- Wiggum: What do you got, the whole town's DNA on file?
- DNA guy: Y'uh huh. If you've ever handled a penny, the government's got your DNA. Why do you think they keep 'em in circulation?
- Mr. Burns: [wakes up] Homer Simpson!
- Eddie: Bingo! The gunman has a name-o!
[The police barge into the Simpson home.]
- Lisa: Hey! Chief Wiggum! What's going on? What are you doing?
- Chief Wiggum: Sorry, kid. We found Simpson DNA on Mr. Burns' suit, and your father was identified by the old man himself.
[The Simpsons all gasp.]
- Bart: [Scoffing] DNA, positive ID. Those won't hold up in any court. Run, Dad!
[Bart pushes Homer towards the door.]
- Lou: [Holds up a gun] Hey, Chief! Look what I found underneath Homer Simpson's car seat.
[Lou and Eddie check the gun for fingerprints.]
- Homer: I swear! I've never seen that gun before!
- Eddie: Oh, really? Then why are your fingerprints on it, sir?
[Eddie holds up Homer's glass, which has the same fingerprints as the gun.]
- Homer: Aaah!
- Chief Wiggum: [Pulls out a bullet from the gun.] This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns! Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
[Chief Wiggum handcuffs Homer]
- Homer: D'oh!
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say, "D'oh."
- Wiggum: We need two cups of coffee, and two orders of bite-sized breakfast pancakes. With extra dipping sauce.
- Kid: Please pull up to the service window, please.
- Wiggum: [tries] The wagon's too tall! Oh, I don't want to have to get out. Ehh, I'll just drive up on the curb. [does so, leans out window to grab order; van starts tipping]
- Wiggum: Almost got it...
- Lou: Drop the food, chief! [van falls over; back door opens and Homer stands up] [Jasper pulls up in an old car]
- Jasper: [honks] Damn fools! Drive-thru's not for a-parking. [floors it, then skids to halt, pushing the van out forward [Homer hobbles in front of it, trying to avoid it]
- Kid: Diane? I'm going to take my break now.
- Dr. Nick: Hi Everybody!
- Mr. Burns: Ho...mer...Simp...son!
- Dr. Nick: Okay... That was a little strange... Umm... Tell me, how are you feeling today?
- Mr. Burns: Homer... Simpson, Homer... D'oh... Simpson.
- Dr. Nick: Hmm... That seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?
- Marge: The police have such a strong case against Homer! Mr. Burns said he did it, they found his DNA on Mr. Burns' suit.
- Lisa: They have Simpson DNA; it could have come from any of us! Well, except you, since you're a Bouvier.
- Marge: No! No, no. When I took your father's name I took everything that came with it, including DNA!
- Lisa: Um...[rolls her eyes] Okay, Mom. But like I'm saying, the evidence isn't as concrete as it seems. Like those fingerprints; they could have gotten on the gun some other way.
[flashback to Lisa in the car with Homer]
- Lisa: Are you sure you don't want me to hold one of your ice cream cones?
- Homer: [driving with his knees] Pfft. Yeah, right. You chose fruit, you live with fruit. [one scoop falls out of the cone] D'oh! [reaches under seat] [touches Pipin Hot Bread 8-track] No... [touches pineapple air freshener] No... [touches gun] No... [touches lollipop] Ew! Why is this on the floor [puts it in his pocket]
[back to current time]
- Lisa: And we don't even know whose gun that was! Maybe somebody planted it there to frame Dad.
- Marge: No, we can't start thinking that way about our own family members. Suspicion could tear us apart.
- Wiggum: Here is a photo of the fugitive from our files. [holds up picture of Homer in a "Haig in '88" T-shirt] And now, Waylon Smithers, uh, who's been a real good sport about that wrongful arrest thing—whew! Heh--- has a, er, statement that he would like to make. Waylon?
- Smithers: Thank you. As Montgomery Burns' closest friend, I am certain there's nothing he would want more than swift, brutal revenge against Homer Simpson. Therefore I am offering a $50,000 reward for his capture—dead or alive. [everyone bustles off]
- Wiggum: Oh, wow. Me first! Me first!
- Burns: Homer Simpson?
- Homer: So, you finally learned my name, eh?
- Burns: [shaking head] Homer Simpson.
- Homer: I've got no time for your demented parlor games. You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you. [reaches to strangle Burns]
- Apu: Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass.
- Lisa: Stop! Don't shoot my Dad. He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly! [they open the door]
- Burns: [being strangled and shaken] Ho-mer Simp-son! Ho-mer Simp-son!
- Homer: Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me.
- Burns: [grunting] What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me?
- Homer: [loses it] D'ohhh! [grabs a gun, cocks it as Burns' head] Say it, Burns say I never shot you! Before.
- Burns: Shot? [chuckles] By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was--[looks around, sees his assailant] Aah! Aah! Aah! M-Maggie Simpson!
- Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.
- Mr. Burns: [telling what happened after he got shot] Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid, but finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I immediately gave up hope, and I collapsed onto the sundial.
- Lisa: Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S. Or, from your point of view, M and S: Maggie Simpson.
- Mr. Burns: What? No! With my last ounce of strength, I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have such sticky fingers.
- Marge: Well, I'm just glad you're back to full health and we can all get back to our everyday lives. And if Maggie could talk, I'm sure she'd apologize…
- Mr. Burns: I'm afraid that's insufficient! [to Chief Wiggum] Officer, arrest the baby!
- Chief Wiggum: [chuckles] Yeah, right, pops! No jury in the world's ever going to convict a baby. [thinks to himself] Maybe Texas…
- Marge: Besides, she didn't mean it; it was an accident.
[Maggie looks around in the room and sucks on her pacifier, which sound like muffled gunshots.]
