Difference between revisions of "Itchy & Scratchy Land/Quotes"

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Marge (sleepily): We'd better find a motel and stop for the night.

Homer (drowsy): We don't need to do that, Marge. I'm not tired. I'm not tired at all...

(A car crashes. Bart is looking outside of a motel window and sees it is a car of the same make, model, and color as the Simpson family car)

Bart: Whew! Glad that wasn't us.

Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson, we have arrested your son.

Woman: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother.

(Marge hears from this and feels embarassed)

Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson, we have also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

Marge: I have nothing to say to you.

Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!

Marge: How were you a political prisoner?

Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw ya a diagram?

Bart: Hey, mouse, say "cheese". (takes a picture of an Itchy robot by his camera, resulting in it collapsing) With cool, dry wit like that, I could be an action hero.

Lisa: Mom, Dad, Bart’s dead!

(Lisa runs into the room with Bart on a wagon and Marge and Homer both gasp.)

Bart: That’s right, dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land!

Lisa: Who are all these characters?

Bart: Well, you're probably too young to remember the short lived Itchy & Scratchy and Friends Hour. They had to come up with some friends. There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Klu Klux Clam . . .

Lisa: Oh yeah. They weren't very funny.

Bart: I don't know. Disgruntled Goat had his moments.

PA Announcer #1: Mop and bucket man to the exit of the Nauseator. Mop and bucket man to the exit of the Nauseator.

PA Announcer #2: We have another jumper on the roof of TGI McScratchy's.

PA Announcer #3: We need more Bort license plates in the Gift Shop. Repeat, we are sold out of Bort license plates.

Ticket Taker at Euro Itchy & Scratchy Land: (with French accent) Hello? Itchy & Scratchy Land - open for business! Who are you to resist it, huh?! C'mon, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine! (yells in French)

Marge: Come to think of it, this was the best vacation ever. Now, let us never speak of it again.

(Hans Moleman is inside a phone booth at the bird sanctuary with birds attacking him.)

Moleman: (Into phone) Hello, I need the largest seed bell you have. (Pause) No, that's too big!

Marge: Now, wait a minute, I'm not sure about this. Every time we've ever gone on vacation, I end up being horribly embarrassed. We end up in a big fight and we come home more miserable than when we left.

Marge: This year I want us to do things together as a family, and get a lot of good exercise outdoors so we'll have a lot of wonderful memories of our vacation.

Bart: Don't worry Mom, we'll make you proud of us. [Homer packs a suitcase and lists off the items]

Homer: Lobster hat, Fishnet Speedo Junior, wheelie shoes, "Invisible Dog" leash...[laughs] Well, I'm packed.

Marge [to Grampa]: And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?

Grampa: No! I ain't senile, dad-blast it.

Marge: OK, bye bye.

Homer: Bye!

Bart: Bye!

Lisa: Bye, Grampa!

[Homer drives off]

Grampa: Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? "Grampa's Little Helper"...what's that? [looks to the animals] Which one of you is the mailman? [animals roll their eyes slowly towards one another]

Homer: [looking at the map] North...south...aw, nuts to this! I'm going to take a shortcut.

Marge: Homer, no, you're going to get lost.

Homer: Trust me, Marge. With today's modern cars, you can't get lost, what with all the silicon chips and such.

Homer: One adult and four children.

Woman: Would you like to buy some Itchy and Scratchy Money?

Homer: What's that?

Woman: Well it's money that's made just for the park. It works just like regular money, but it's, er..."fun".

Bart: Do it, Dad.

Homer: Well, OK, if it's fun...let's see, uh...I'll take $1100 worth. [he walks in and sees all the signs: "No I&S Money", "We Don't Take Itchy and Scratchy Money", etc.] Aw!

Helicopter Pilot: Welcome to Itchy and Scratchyland, where nothing can possib-lie go wrong. PossibLY go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

Bart: [to the waiter while at the restaurant] I'll have a Brain Burger with extra pus, please.

Marge: Bart!

Homer: Eyeball stew.

Marge: Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.

Bart: I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here.

Marge: Oh, I see. All right, hmm...I'll have the Baby Guts.

Waiter: Lady, you disgust me. Ew.

Lisa: Mom, that's veal.

Marge: Oh..

Lisa: Aw, look at that cute little baby ax.

[a baby ax runs to catch up with bigger axes]

Marge: It's cute, but I'm sure it's very sharp and probably dirty.

Homer: It is the 70's! Right down to the smallest detail.

Marge: Hey...the bartender even looks like John Travolta.

Bartender: Yeah..."looks like".

Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis! [finds a vanity license plate rack] Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?

Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.

Mother: No. Come along, Bort.

Man: Are you talking to me?

Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.

Bandleader: Welcome to T. G. I. McScratchy's where it's constantly New Year's Eve. Here we go again! Three, two, one! [starts playing violin]

Everyone: Happy new year! [the band plays "Auld Lang Syne" as confetti falls and the patrons dance]

[a waiter walks up with champagne glasses]

Marge: It must be wonderful to ring in the new year over and over and over.

Waiter: Please, kill me.

Marge: Oh, I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.

Officer: OK, throw her in the hole.

Marge: Oh, please: it was just a figure of speech!

Bart: Who would have thought that our visit to Itchy and Scratchy Land would turn out to be our best vacation ever?

Lisa: Yeah, best ever!

Marge: Are you two bonkers? We almost got killed...not to mention all the embarrassment I suffered.

Lisa: But Mom, it's exactly what you wanted in a vacation: it brought us together as a family, we got a lot of good exercise outdoors, and we have so many memories.

Marge: [pause] You know, you're right. This truly was the best vacation ever. Now let us never speak of it again.

Marge: I hope you realize now that violence on TV may be funny, but it's not so funny when that violence is happening to you.

Bart: But it would be funny to someone who was watching us.

Marge: Hmm...

Lisa: No, Mom, he's right. [takes off her shoe] Observe [throws it at Bart]

[Marge laughs involuntarily; Lisa and Bart laugh too]

Marge: Oh, my! Lisa, go to your room.

Lisa: Aw..