Difference between revisions of "Treehouse of Horror V/Quotes"

Revision as of 07:30, May 20, 2021

Marge: Hello, Marge Simpson yet again. Due to the Halloween specials of the past the Fox network has cancelled this episode. We instead present to you this 1947 picture.

[Live-action scene of a wagon train that shows for a few seconds, then gets interrupted by snow.]

Bart: There's nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust your picture. We are controlling the transmission.

Homer: What's that, boy? We're in control? Hey, look, I can see my voice! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Brrrrrr—HEEEE HEEE—blub blub blub blub blub. Thiis....iiiiis myyyyy voooys...ooooonnn teeeeeeveeeee.

Bart: Dad, you're ruining the mood!

Homer: Sorry.

Bart: For the next half-hour, we will control what you see and hear. You are about to experience the terror and foul horror of The Simpsons Halloween Special.

[Tuesday]

Homer: [in car] Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.

Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?

Homer: D'oh!

[Wednesday]

Homer: Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there again.

Marge: When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?

Homer: D'oh! D'oh!

[Thursday]

[long silence]

Lisa: Oh, no! We left Grampa back at the gas station!

[Homer stares determinedly ahead, appearing not to notice her.]

Lisa: What about Grampa?

Burns: [after an elevator empties out a huge amount of blood] Hmmmm... that's odd. Usually the blood gets off on the second floor.

Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes.

Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?

Burns: Hmm... perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.

Homer: No TV and no beer make Homer... something-something...

Marge: [worried] ...Go crazy?

Homer: Don't mind if I do! [goes on a mad rant]

[Marge breaks open a case labeled "In case of spousal insanity, break glass" and grabs the baseball bat within.]

Marge: Stay away from me, Homer!

Homer: [chasing Marge up some stairs] Give me the bat, Marge. Gimme the bat. Come on. Gimme the bat. Gimme the bat! [makes scary face] Ha ha ha! Scaredy cat! Bleaahhh... [Makes another scary face, then sees himself in a mirror] AAAAAHH! [falls down stairs, knocking himself out]

[Marge leaves unconscious Homer locked in a pantry.]

Marge: You stay here until you're no longer insane. Hmm, chili would be good tonight.

Homer: Can't murder now. Eating.

Homer: [chops into a room] Heeeere's Johnny!

[Camera pulls back to reveal empty room.]

Homer: D'oh!

[Chops into another room.]

Homer: Daaaaavid Letterman!

Grampa: Hi David, I'm Grampa.

Homer: D'oh!

[Chops down another door.]

Homer: [holding a ticking stopwatch] I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on "60 Minutes"!

Family: AHH!

Groundskeeper Willie: Uh-oh. The little fat boy and his family are in trouble.

[Runs outside, throws TV in the snow.]

Willie: I'm coming to rescue the lot of you!

[Opens door to lodge.]

Willie: All right, loony: show me what you got!

[Homer drives an axe into his back.]

Willie: Aw, is that the best you can do? [collapses]

Willie: You're still not in your own world, Homer! I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I... [Maggie drives an axe into his back] Argh! [collapses]

Maggie: [deep voice] This is indeed a disturbing universe.

Willie: Hold on, kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of you!

[Skinner appears drives an axe into his back.]

Willie: Argh! Oh, I'm bad at this. [collapses]

Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos! OK, don't panic; remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day.

[Homer pictures a tuxedoed Abraham taalking to him.]

Grampa: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything, because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.

Homer: Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future. [a mosquito flies in] Stupid bug! You go squish now!

[swats it]

Homer: ...That was just one teensey mosquito. but that won't alter the future right? [silence] RIGHT?

Megatherium: [mumbles] I don't know.

[Homer is in the past; T-Rex stands near him.]

Homer: AHHH!

[He sneezes; the T-Rex sniffles, then collapses. The dinosaur next to it sniffles, then collapses. A big line of dinosaurs to drop dead in this way.]

Homer: This is gonna cost me...

[Arriving back in the present, he notices the layout of the house has changed so he is richer.]

Homer: D'oh! I mean, hey...

Bart: Good morning, Father dear. Hope you're well.

Lisa: Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?

Homer: Hmm, fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan... whoo hoo! I hit the jackpot. [sits down] Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?

Marge: Donut? What's a donut?

Homer: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [runs downstairs and disappears back into time; outside the window, donuts start falling from the sky]

Marge: Hmm... it's raining again.

[A stereotypical Darwin fish crawls out of a lake and Homer absently squashes it.]

Homer: Oh, I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish...

Homer: Don't touch anything? I'LL TOUCH WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE!

[Skinner turns a giant food processor on to "gooify" and backs the children towards it]

Bart: Don't worry, guys. Something always comes along to save us.

[[[Milhouse]] falls off the edge into the blender.]

Bart: [to Lisa] Uh, nevertheless, I remain confident that something will come along and save the two Simpson children...

[Bart and Lisa are forced into the blender.]

Homer: Wow. I'm the first non-Brazilian person to go back in time.

Mister Peabody: Correction, Homer. You're the second.

Sherman: That's right Mr. Peabody!

Mister Peabody: Quiet you."

Bart: Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.

Willy: Why you little- [thinking] No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into Haggis!

Bart: What's Haggis?

Willy: [gasps] Boy... you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning.

Bart: You mean "The Shining".

Willy: Shh! You want to get sued? Now look, boy: if your Dad goes gaga, you just use that... "Shin" of yours to call me and I'll come a running. But don't be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willy's time!

[Lisa trips while being chased by an axe-wielding Homer, spots a handheld TV.]

Lisa: Dad, look! [holds it up]

Homer: Television! Teacher, mother, [sexually] secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading... rising! Fading... fading. Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

[Later, they're all encased in ice.]

TV Announcer: Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!

Bart: Homer... change channel!

Homer: Can't! Frozen! ["One" from "A Chorus Line" plays] Urge to kill... rising...

Skinner: [to Bart] I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start as you've often suggested by eating your shorts...

Jimbo: It's hard to scrub this giant pot from the inside when you keep spilling meat tenderizer all over me.

[The pot lid is closed on Jimbo.]

Jimbo: Oh, great. Now I gotta work in the dark.

Bart: Hmm ... I wonder where Jimbo is today? He should have beaten us up for our lunch money an hour ago.

Üter: Frau lunchlady, please to have another sloppy Jimbo? Das ist gut, nein? [chomps]

Skinner: Now, that's your third helping, young man, it's making you fat and soft ... [licks lips] and tender. Hmm ... Uh – you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Üter.

Üter: For how long?

Skinner: Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do it.

Lisa: Bart, isn't it strange that Üter is missing and suddenly, the cafeteria is serving this mysterious food called "Uter-braten"?

Principal Skinner: Oh, relax kids. I've got a gut feeling Üter's around here somewhere. [starts to laugh] After all, isn't there a little Üter in all of us? [laughs harder] In fact, you might say we just ate Üter and he's in our stomachs right now! [laughs, then realizes his faux pas] Wait. Scratch that one.

Marge: Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back with your family now where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out.

Bart: Huh?

Homer: Uh oh, it's seeping in. Stupid cheap weather stripping!