Hot Cider in the City/Quotes

Quotes

[Bart is sitting on his bed reading a book about ventriloquism when he's interrupted by Lisa and Milhouse. They are geared up for going Christmas caroling, as Milhouse has a songbook and Lisa is wearing a Santa hat.]

Lisa: Hey, Bart, we're going Christmas caroling. Why don't you come with us?

Milhouse: Yeah, Bart! We're going a-wassailing! Don't you want to wassail?

Bart: Nah, I'm adding a new trick to my pranking repertoire.

Milhouse: But, Bart, we're singing "Angels We Have Heard on High", "Good King Wenceslas" ... all the classics!

Bart: Well, I'm sure you and Santa Dork will have a great time.

Lisa: [annoyed] C'mon, Milhouse. There'll just be more free cookies for us.

Bart: Free? Cookies?! [He jumps out of the bed.] Hallelujah! It's a miracle! I'm suddenly full of the Christmas spirit! Wait for me!

Lisa: [cynically] Yeah, he's full of something all right ...

[The scene shifts to the Flanders home. Bart, Lisa and Milhouse have just finished singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" for Ned Flanders.]

Ned: Well, you might say that song really blew me away in a manger! And since this is the third time you've been to my door, I'll get you a double helping of freshly baked cookies!

Bart: Can you put two cinnamon sticks in my hot apple cider this time?

Ned: Can-doodly-do, Bart!

[After being served, the trio walk away from Ned's house, munching on cookies. Bart also has his mug of apple cider.]

Bart: I can't wait to see what Flanders makes us next!

Lisa: Bart, we're supposed to be spreading Christmas cheer, not mooching off of Mr. Flanders!

Milhouse: I feel cheerful!

Bart: See?

[The trio of carolers come face-to-face with a trio of bullies.]

Kearney: Look, it's the three wise dorks.

Jimbo: Hey, this is our caroling turf!

Dolph: Yeah, now get out of here before I deck your halls and beat the fa-la-la out of ya!

[Lisa tries to step forward to confront the bullies, but Bart and Milhouse hold her back.]

Lisa: [angry] Carolers don't have "turf", and you can't crush our Christmas spirit!

Bart: [in a sing-song fashion] Lii-saaa ... shut your mouuu-uuth.

Milhouse: Trust us. They can crush anything.

[Kearney gives Milhouse a wedgie, Dolph restrains Lisa, and Jimbo grabs Bart by the collar and menacingly raises his fist.]

Jimbo: We're takin' over your route, Simpson. Now which house is givin' out the cinnamon sticks?

Lisa: No, Bart! Don't tell them!

Bart: Lisa, I don't think I have a choice.

[Moments later, Milhouse is hanging from a mailbox by his underwear, Bart is stuffed head-first into a garbage can, and Lisa is buried up to her neck in a pile of snow. The cookies are scattered on the ground along with Bart's cider mug and Lisa's Santa hat. The bullies laugh as they walk away.]

Lisa: [indignant] You bullies aren't going to get away with this! This is anti-Christmas! The only thing you're going to get for Christmas is a lump of coal in your stockings!

[A lump of coal hits Lisa in the forehead.]

Lisa: Ow! Well, I guess I should've seen that coming!

[After extricating themselves from their situations, Bart and Milhouse dig Lisa out from the pile of snow.]

Lisa: Oh, Bart, now we can't carol anywhere. I'm sorry we dragged you along for this.

Bart: Lis, I'm about to give you an early Christmas present. I didn't send them to Flanders' house ...

[At the Szyslak residence, the bullies are singing "Silver Bells" for Moe.]

Bullies: [singing] Silver bells, silver bells, it's Christmas time in the city ...

Moe: [getting teary-eyed and sniffly] Christmas carols for me? Nobody's ever sung me nuthin' before. I think I'm gonna cry like a woman here.

Bullies: [still singing] Ting-a-ling ...

[Unobserved by Moe and the bullies, Bart, Lisa and Milhouse are hiding behind a hedge next to Moe's house.]

Bart: Watch me throw my voice ... [using ventriloquism to make it sound like the bullies are speaking] This is to make up for all the prank phone calls during the year!

Bullies: [perplexed, but still singing] Hear them ring ...

[The revelation of the phone call confession suddenly dawns on Moe.]

Moe: Whuh--? That was you?!

[Now angry, Moe brandishes a meat cleaver and charges the bullies.]

Moe: C'mere, you rotten brats! All you're gonna want for Christmas is your two front teeth and a new spleen when I get done with you!

Bullies: Aaaaah! [They run away screaming.]

[Behind the hedge, Bart gleefully takes in the scene.]

Lisa: [admonishingly] Bart, I think your plan lacked the proper Christmas cheer.

Bart: So it's Christmas cheer you want, eh? Last one back to Flanders' house is a rotten elf!