See Homer Run/Quotes
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- [Quimby is hijacking a plane]
- Quimby: [pointing with a gun to the pilot] Take this plane wherever girls are going wild! audio clip
- Aide: Mayor Quimby, your twelve years as mayor have been corrupt and full of scandals.
- Quimby: Who are you?
- Aide: I'm your chief of staff.
- Quimby: I knew I should have put my nephew in that position.
- Aide: I am your nephew.
- Quimby: Dear God, every wacko, nutcase and Disco Stu in this town is gonna run against me.
- Kent Brockman: Hundreds of Springfielders are running for mayor, including yours truly Kent Brockman. Coming up, a common household fabric could kill you! Find out when you vote for Kent Brockman.
- Lisa: How is your tail doing that?
- Homer: I don't know.
- Kearney: Way to give into peer pressure!
- Dolph: Hey, Milhouse! Cool kids ride bikes with their eyes closed!
- Milhouse: [off camera] I'm cool! [he is heard him biking, as well as the inevitable results involving a train]
- Dolph: Uh, I'm late for Hebrew school.
- [At the debate forum]
- Kent Brockman: Now, our first question is to Eleanor Abernathy, also known as the "Crazy Cat Lady". If you were mayor, what would be your primary concern?
- Eleanor: [unintelligible staggering] Small business incentives! [unintelligible staggering] Corporate accountability! [unintelligible staggering] Cats in everyone's pants!
- Homer: I will run for mayor!
- Lisa: And I will be your campaign manager!
- Homer: And I will find out what a mayor does! [Pulls out a bottle of beer] Expand my brain, learning juice audio clip
- Kent Brockman: Homer, what about these allegations about you strangling your son? [Holds up a photo of Homer strangling Bart in front of a banner that says "Good luck at the press conference, Dad!"]
- Homer: Why should this election be determined by a photo taken hours ago? audio clip
- Rainier Wolfcastle: Who else should be mayor but me! A steroid-abusing, pot-smoking, women groping, son of a Nazi, washed-up movie star! [crowd cheers] I think we should keep an open mind toward stem-cell research. [crowd boos]
- Miss Springfield: Imagine me! The mayor! Then no one will laugh at my singing. [High pitched and very terrible singing voice] I'm proud to be an American...
- Skinner: I hold in my hand a sticker with a frowning face. Don't make me affix it to your file.
- Lisa: [mocking him] "Don't make me affix it to your file"!
- Skinner: [Lisa hits him with a dodge ball] I'm peeling off the back. [with a shoe] Don't make me do this! [with her saxophone] You leave me no choice. [He puts the sticker on Lisa's file. The lights begin flickering overhead] Willie, rats are gnawing at the wires again.
- Willie: Shut up, man! I'm making me ramen noodles!
- Bart: Check it out, I stole the sign!
- Dolph: Check it out, we stole The Scream!
- Kearney: Put that away! It creeps me out!
- [Cletus drives his car with Brandine]
- Brandine: Cletus, turn left on Bart Boulevard!
- Cletus: I told ya, there t'ain't [sic] no "Bart Boulevard"!
- Brandine: Too late. Baby's already out. Get your huntin' knife and cut the umbrellica cord. [Holds up his baby, still attached to the umbilical cord]
- Homer: To open another present now would be like following the London Philharmonic with Jessica Simpson.
- [Moe is pasting his own face onto pictures of Marge and Homer's wedding]
- Moe [to the tune of 'Here Comes The Bride'] Here comes the Moe / with a pretty girl / 'cause these are things that happened in real life.
- Barney Hey, Moe, can we get a beer?
- Moe: Shut up and hand me more Moe heads.
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