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The Simpsons: Tapped Out New Year New You content update/Gameplay

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The Post-Holiday Expansion[edit]

After the user logs in on January 20th:
Homer The Holy Trinity of Leftovers: Christmas dinner mixed with Thanksgiving scraps and topped with all the worst Halloween candy!
Bart Oh man, another round of Christmas ham with Jolly Ranchers on top and you'll be muumuu-level fat!
Homer Oooh, muumuu-level! Last time I wore one of those, I got to work from home!
Bart So? Isn't the whole world already working from home?
Homer Nope, we have to keep going into the plant. Mr. Burns convinced the Mayor that the radiation protects us. *takes bite of leftovers*
Marge Homer, stop eating that tri-holiday heart attack!
Homer But if I get fat enough, I could start the New Year with courtside seats next to the leftover dispenser. *looks at fridge*
Marge You have to start losing weight. Don't you want to be around to see the kids grow up?
Homer Not really.
Marge Well, how about this: if you lose ten pounds, I'll put my special Santa outfit on for you.
Homer *intrigued noise*
Lisa Mom! Gross!
Task: Make Homer Agree to Lose Weight (6s, Simpson House)
Homer Okay, fine. It's a deal. I'll lose ten pounds...
Marge Yay!
Homer ...after I finish eating these leftovers. *eating noises*
Marge Look, I'm sure it'll be a challenge, but with hard work and discipline I know you can do it!
Homer *stuffing face with leftovers* I need to gain as much as possible now before I'm officially weighed in.
Bart Where are we going to find a big enough scale?
Homer You might be laughing now, but once I'm ultra-fat, it'll be so easy to slim down to normal fat.
Lisa You know, you'll still have to work out to lose weight.
Homer Or...Dr. Hibbert can surgically remove the ten pounds out of me.
Quest reward: Cash100 and XP10

Survival of the Wellest[edit]

Survival of the Wellest Pt. 1[edit]

After completing The Post-Holiday Expansion:
Dr. Hibbert Hmm. Protracted gut, excessive sweating, the tub of gravy filled with candy corn you're eating...
Dr. Hibbert My diagnosis: you are experiencing a momentary spike of obesity...caused by the mass consumption of holiday leftovers.
Homer All true! So, what wonders of medical science are available for a super overweight person who wants to effortlessly shed a few pounds?
Dr. Hibbert Homer, I can't staple your stomach for a third time. It would kill you.
Homer *moans* Now how am I going to cash in my "buy two get one free" stomach stapling card?
Dr. Hibbert *chuckles* You're holding a Krusty Burger punch card — which as your doctor, I can't allow you to cash in. *takes card*
Homer Well, if you won't help me, maybe Dr. Nick will.
Dr. Nick Homer, my solution is for you to go on a strict diet eating only these experimental meal replacement packs.
Homer How's eating going to help me lose weight?
Dr. Nick They're full of untested chemicals!
Homer Can't argue with chemicals!
Task: Collect Dumbbell [x125]
Task: Make Homer Gorge Himself on Meal Replacement Packs (4h, Simpson House)
Homer Must gorge to lose weight!
Lisa Dad, these meal pack labels are just taped on with Band-Aids. *peels off label*
Homer I don't feel so good.
Lisa That's because you've been eating US Army cavalry horse feed from the Spanish-American War!
Homer *horse neighs* No wonder I've been neighing so much!
Lisa No, you can't eat any more of those!
Homer Haven't you always wanted a pony? *neighs*
Quest reward: Cash100 and XP10

Survival of the Wellest Pt. 2[edit]

After completing Survival of the Wellest Pt. 1:
Wiggum Hey Homer, I have to give you a ticket...for speeding!
Homer Man, this day can't get worse...
Wiggum Well, why are you in such a rush?
Homer I've tried every get-thin-quick scheme I could think of: stuffing myself with diet horse feed on the couch while watching endless reruns of the NHL All-Star Skills Challenge...
Homer So, now I'm on my way to Moe's because he does backroom liposuction before noon.
Wiggum You know, me and some of the other...robust fellas in town are heading over to Tab Spangler's Serenity Ranch.
Homer *chuckles* Robust.
Wiggum He's running a "New Year, New You" weight loss special. You should join us!
Homer Fat Camp? No thank you!
Wiggum There's a free all-you-can-eat "welcome guests" buffet tonight...
Homer Mmm...fat camp buffet.
Task: Collect Dumbbell [x125]
Task: Make Homer Rush to Serenity Ranch (4h, Serenity Ranch, Rancho Relaxo or Homes)
Task: Make Gluttons Head to Serenity Ranch [x3] (4h, Serenity Ranch, Rancho Relaxo or Homes)
Tapped Out Tab Spangler Icon.png Thank you for your patience while filling out these fourteen-page liability release forms.
Homer So that's what I signed!
Comic Book Guy I believe we were promised a free all-you-can-eat buffet?
Homer Yeah, where's my free grub?!
Tapped Out Tab Spangler Icon.png Don't worry, at Serenity Ranch we deliver on our promises! So let this magnificent feast start you on your road to wellness.
Homer This isn't a feast! It's a bunch of plants...
Barney It's all so green and leafy...
Fat Tony I detect a distinct lack of protein, which leads me to ask: what kind of FAT CAMP IS THIS?
Homer A healthy one!
Wiggum *fires gun* Storm the kitchen!
Tapped Out Camera Man Icon.png *attacking noises*
Tapped Out Tab Spangler Icon.png This may be harder than I thought.
Quest reward: Cash100 and XP10

Survival of the Wellest Pt. 3[edit]

After completing Survival of the Wellest Pt. 2:
Homer You know I don't feel so good. I'm not sure I can handle more wellness training this morning.
Homer Maybe I could just call my wife to come get me...or at least bring me a burger or pizza.
Tapped Out Tab Spangler Icon.png No dice. The registration forms you signed give me full legal authority to keep you here until you are the peak of physical perfection!
Tapped Out Tab Spangler Icon.png God I love fine print.
Comic Book Guy You sir, are worse than Loki the trickster god himself!
Tapped Out Tab Spangler Icon.png Them's the rules and you all signed on the dotted line.
Sakatumi *gasp* He can't imprison us! Can he, Chief...?
Wiggum Well, he did say both "legal" and "authority" in the same sentence, and the DA tells me that's the magic word combo that lets me do whatever I want...
Tapped Out Tab Spangler Icon.png Calm yourselves! Torturing people into shape is a thing of the past. Here at Serenity Ranch, we take a holistic approach to wellness!
Homer I take a holistic approach to eating whatever I want and where I want!
Tapped Out Tab Spangler Icon.png Well, not anymore.
Task: Collect Dumbbell [x125]
Task: Make Homer Drink a Green Juice (4h, Serenity Ranch, Rancho Relaxo or Homes)
If the user has Sakatumi: Task: Make Sakatumi Meditate on Weight Loss (4h, Serenity Ranch, Rancho Relaxo or Homes)
If the user has Wiggum: Task: Make Wiggum Strike a Yoga Pose (4h, Serenity Ranch, Rancho Relaxo or Homes)
If the user has Quimby: Task: Make Quimby Learn Pilates (4h, Serenity Ranch, Rancho Relaxo or Homes)
Wiggum Am I doing this "downward dog" thing right? I wish the police dog was here to show me how.
Wiggum Ow! I don't think my back bends this way. Or at all.
Quimby Shavasa-whaa?
Comic Book Guy It's "Shavasana". And yes, it's a subpar catchphrase!
Homer Yoga is for moms to meet other moms and show off. We fat dudes should be doing push-ups and karate kicks!
Tapped Out Tab Spangler Icon.png Since I have the legal authority to keep you all here, you better start learning to love our new wellness program...and that means yoga every morning.
Wiggum *out of breath* Yoga is so much harder than anything I did at the Police Academy! And I had to do that twice!
Quest reward: Cash100 and XP10

Survival of the Wellest Pt. 4[edit]

After completing Survival of the Wellest Pt. 3:
Homer This is all a waste of time! Plus Lard Lad just released a new bacon donut sandwich! It's two bacon donuts with a bacon donut in the center!
Comic Book Guy The premiere of a new donut and I am missing it! *angry noise*
Homer We've gotta escape this "Serenity" Ranch! If you're with me, put your fat fingers in.
Wiggum Homer, maybe you should just relax and get with the program. All this yoga is making me too tired to fight.
Barney The cop guy is right. Plus, at least we have a steady stream of kombucha to keep us just as drunk as ever. *kombucha belch*
Fat Tony Homer, how do you know you don't like wellness, unless you try it?
Homer *short shriek* You're all traitors to the big and tall!
Task: Collect Dumbbell [x125]
Task: Make Homer Convince Fellow Gluttons to Escape (4h, Serenity Ranch, Rancho Relaxo or Homes)
If the user has Barney: Task: Make Barney Have Another Juice (4h, Serenity Ranch, Rancho Relaxo or Homes)
If the user has Wiggum: Task: Make Wiggum Almost Stretch His Back (4h, Serenity Ranch, Rancho Relaxo or Homes)
Homer Guys, this is just a big scam! We're wasting time and not losing any weight while we keep paying Tab Spangler to live here on this picturesque ranch!
Wiggum Hmm, I wish scamming were illegal, but it's not — so we can't do anything.
Homer What about you, Comic Book Guy? Don't you want to go back home and run your shop?
Homer I bet Bart is stealing all your comics as we speak.
Comic Book Guy Kumiko runs a pretty tight ship thank you very much. But I do miss reading the comics and lamenting about how bad they've all become.
Homer And Sakatumi...wait, why are you even here? Isn't being big kind of your job?
Sakatumi I was disqualified from the tour when they found out my sumo diaper was really two sumo diapers tied together!
Quimby Alright, Simpson, you've sold us on the need to get out of here. What's your plan?
Homer I don't have a plan! I'm just the guy who rallies everyone together so that someone else can come up with the plan.
Comic Book Guy Worst. Leader. Ever.
Quest reward: Cash100 and XP10

Survival of the Wellest Pt. 5[edit]

After completing Survival of the Wellest Pt. 4:
Wiggum Look, Homer, we all want to get out of here now, but face it: we're all too fat and slow.
Comic Book Guy Yeah, Homer, we're not Thors, we're Fat Thors!
Barney The only way out of here is to train until we're all able to climb over that wall and escape.
Homer Hmmm...that's it, Barney! We'll get in shape. And there's only one way to do that...
Barney Stick with the wellness program?
Homer No, a training montage!
Task: Collect Dumbbell [x125]
Task: Make Homer Put Together a Training Montage (4h, Serenity Ranch, Rancho Relaxo or Homes)
Task: Make Gluttons Train in a Training Montage [x3] (4h, Serenity Ranch, Rancho Relaxo or Homes)
Homer *montage music plays* Whoa, look at me dragging giant tires around! I don't even know where those came from!
Barney I think I just did a hundred thousand jumping jacks without breaking a sweat!
Fat Tony *lifting weights* They're going to have to start calling me LEAN TONY!
Homer *stops montage music* Alright, former fatsos, now we're in the best shape of our lives and all it took was 8 minutes of montaging!
Comic Book Guy Let us climb over the wall like Wildlings invading Westeros!
Tapped Out Tab Spangler Icon.png *slow clap* Excellent work, men! I never wavered from my belief that you'd finally realize what it takes to get in great shape.
Tapped Out Tab Spangler Icon.png You had to hate being here so much that you'd lose weight just to escape!
Wiggum So he's not a scammer — he's a genius!
Comic Book Guy Worst. Twist. Ever.
Tapped Out Tab Spangler Icon.png Hey, I still made a buttload of money off you sorry lot.
Quest reward: Cash100 and XP10

The Post-Holiday Contraction Expansion[edit]

After completing Survival of the Wellest Pt. 5:
Homer Honey! Kids! I'm home!
Homer You probably didn't hear me walk in because I'm so light on my feet!
Marge Oooh, Homie! I've never seen you look this thin!
Lisa I'm so proud of you, Dad!
Bart Since you're all good and healthy now, I guess we can throw out our St. Patrick's Day leftovers.
Homer Wait, I was gone for three months?!
Lisa Yeah, how long did you think you were gone?
Bart Okay, throwing out the leftover corned beef and cabbage.
Homer Gimme that festive fridge food! *takes food*
Homer Now, there's only one thing to do with a tub full of leftovers: eating montage! *eating noises*
Task: Make Homer Gorge Himself Back Into Homer Shape (4h, Simpson House)
If the user has Marge: Task: Make Marge Enjoy Buff Homer While She Can (4h, Simpson House)
Quest reward: Cash200 and XP20