Around Town with Ned Flanders/Quotes

Quotes

[With the video camera rolling in his living room, Ned Flanders introduces himself and the program.]

Ned Flanders: Hi-dilly-ho, neighborinos! Welcome to the first installment of my brand spankin' new cable access TV show, where we visit the historic locales of good, old Springfield! You know, it wasn't long after our town was discovered by Jebediah Springfield—ol' heathen though he was—that the first church was built using logs, mud and the natives' teepees. Well, sir, our houses of worship have come a long way since then, from "Pastor Pat's Revival Hall for Thumpin' and Holy Rollin'" in the 30s, to Reverend Lovejoy's modern glass sanctuary of today. These are just a few of the exci-diddily-iting locations we'll be examining in full detail on today's show!

[Ned next introduces his two "true-blue crew-buddies": Rod, running the camera, and Todd, on sound. They get into Ned's car, and Ned continues his narration while he drives. Unfortunately, he's so engrossed in the narration that he fails to notice a drunken Barney Gumble crossing the street. Ned accidentally runs over Barney, and the trio stop and check on him.]

Ned: [distraught] Good heavens! What have I done?

Todd Flanders: [poking Barney with the boom microphone] Is it Leviathan cast from the sea, Daddy?

Barney Gumble: [babbling drunkenly] Gee, I'm sorry Mister, I didn't even know she was your gal.

Todd: [still poking Barney] Daddy, he smells like the outdoor potty at youth camp!

Ned: Never mind, Todd. [grunts as he struggles to load Barney into the car] He's still one of [grunts again] God's creatures and needs [grunts again] medical attention!

[Snake emerges from the Kwik-E-Mart carrying a gun and a bag of money, evidently having just robbed the place. He spies Ned's stopped car just outside the store.]

Snake Jailbird: Oh, Mama! Could my timing get any better!

[Snake jumps into the passenger seat and points his gun at Ned.]

Snake: All right, nerd dude! Peel out and drive faster than you've ever driven before!

Ned: [to Rod and Todd] Boys, as long as we cooperate, everything will be okilly-dokilly!

Todd: But, Daddy, we're scared!

[Just as Ned starts driving, Apu abruptly leaps onto the hood of the car, frightening everyone, including Snake.]

Apu: By the rules of the Convenience Store Convention, I place you under Kwik-E-Mart arrest! Stop this car at once!

[Apu moves to the driver's side of the car and starts lecturing Ned.]

Apu: You are a bad, bad man, Mr. Getaway Driver! You should know that a Hindu manager and his money are not soon parted!

Ned: Getaway driver? Now, that's just crazy talk!

Snake: [still threatening Ned with his gun] Keep the pedal to the metal, Kemosabe, or I'll put some metal in your noodle!

[The Springfield Police see the struggle inside Ned's car and mistake the situation for a joyride. They give pursuit and start shooting, hitting the rear window.]

Todd: [scared, wobbly] Daddy, I think the police are shooting at us!

Ned: WHAT??! [stammering] Th-that's ri-diddly-diculous! H-have they gone insane?

[Todd faints, losing his grip on the boom mike.]

Snake: Look out, little nerd dude!

[The boom mike bumps the elbow of Snake's gun arm and the gun goes off, hitting one of Ned's tires.]

Snake: Heinous! I shot out the tire of my own getaway car!

[Ned's car goes out of control and soon crashes, coming to rest upside down.]

[After Ned's car crashes, a voice-over style narration takes over.]

Narrator: The following story you've just seen is true. Due to its graphic nature, parental guidance is suggested ... which is something we probably should have warned you about earlier ... Sorry. Anyway, here's what happened to the individuals involved ...

[The narration details what happened to everyone in the story, ending by saying that Ned "won a local Emmy for his entertaining documentary—but refused the award, saying he couldn't accept any graven images." A photo is seen showing Ned receiving a repair estimate from Al's Towing for his badly damaged car, and tearing out his hair in dismay.]