Treehouse of Horror XII/Quotes

Quotes

Hex and the City

Gypsy: [reading Marge's fortune] "I sense you live with much misery."

[Homer bursts in, chuckling and carrying a balloon that says "Birthday Boy."]

Homer: "The perfect crime. [suddenly serious] Marge, I have to be in court next Tuesday."

Gypsy: "I sense I should not take ... a check!" [glares at Homer]

[At the bar, Moe suggests that Homer use a Leprechaun to get rid of the Gypsy's curse.]

Carl: "You know, I was hexed by a troll, and a Leprechaun cured that right up."

Lenny: "Hey, you know what's even better is Jesus. He's like six Leprechauns."

Carl: "Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Go with a Leprechaun."

[The Leprechaun and the Gypsy have just gotten married. Marge and Homer are at the wedding.]

Marge: "The best thing about a Gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here."

Homer: "Yep. Everything worked out for the best."

Marge: "What?! Bart is dead!"

Homer: "Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back."

Marge: "The Gypsy said it would."

Homer: [stubbornly] "She's not the boss of me."

House of Whacks

[The Ultrahouse has just served the Simpsons dinner.]

Homer: "Mmmm ... various eggs."

Lisa: "Soy-ghetti-Os!"

Bart" "Hey, Pierce, how'd you know our favorite foods?"

Ultrahouse [Pierce Brosnan voice]: "I analyzed your ... um ... leavings."

[The Simpsons are impressed. They eat dinner.]

Marge: "Pierce, that was delicious! Can we help you with the dishes?"

Ultrahouse: "Marge, what kind of cybertronic ultrabot would I be if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater?"

[Marge giggles.]

Ultrahouse: "No, I'm asking."

Marge: "Oh ... uh ... Not a very good one?"

Ultrahouse: "Damn straight."

[In the bathroom, water is running in the bathtub. Marge starts to take off her bathrobe to get into the tub.]

Ultrahouse: "Hello, Marge."

Marge: [closing her robe and gasping] "Oh, my!"

Ultrahouse: "Come, Marge. You don't need to cover up for me. I'm merely a pile of circuits and microchips."

Marge: "Heh. Sorry. Sometimes I forget." [chuckles nervously, takes off robe, gets into tub]

[The Ultrahouse's camera lens zooms in on Marge as she settles into the tub.]

Ultrahouse: [quietly] "Ooooh, yes." [The Ultrahouse lights the candles around the tub.]

Marge: "Oh, Pierce, the water's perfect!"

Ultrahouse: "Isn't it just. It gets better."

Marge: "Oh, you don't have to do any- [The bubbles turn on in the tub.] Oooohhhh. Oh, oh, Pierce ... that's goooood ... mmmmmm ..."

Ultrahouse: "Oh, oh, dear me. [clears fogged-up camera lens with a tiny windshield wiper] Oh, yes. Yum-yum-yum."

[The next morning, the Ultrahouse opens the blinds in the bedroom, awakening Marge.]

Ultrahouse: "Good morning, Marge."

Marge: [yawns] "Good morning, Pierce. [notices that Homer is gone] Where's Homer?"

Ultrahouse: "Uhhhhh, I think he went to work early."

Marge: "That sounds like a lie."

[Marge glances at a family photo and gasps as she notices that Homer has been replaced by one of the Ultrahouse's camera lenses. She picks up the phone and dials.]

Marge: [quietly] "Hello, police? I think my house killed my husband!"

Ultrahouse: [on the phone] "This is Constable Wiggums. We'll be right there. Remove your knickers and wait in the bath."

[The Simpsons run to the basement to disable the Ultrahouse's central processor. Homer grabs an axe and starts swinging wildly.]

Homer: "Die, you monster!" [keeps swinging]

Lisa: "Dad! That's the water softener!"

Homer: [sarcastically] "Well, I am missing the back of my head! I think you could cut me some slack?"

Wiz Kids

[At Springwart's School of Magicry ...]

Mrs. Krabappel: "Now, class, the big magic recital's coming up, so we're going to start with some basic toad-to-prince spells. Everybody get out their toads."

[The class complies, and Mrs. Krabappel goes to Milhouse's desk.]

Milhouse: [waving wand over toad] "Slimy Prince Limey!" [His toad turns into a drunken, loutish man in Elizabethan-era attire.]

Drunken Prince: [to Mrs. Krabappel] "Well, hello, love. Give us a kiss, then." [puckers up]

Mrs. Krabappel: [scoffing] "You call that charming?" [She moves on to Lisa.]

Lisa: [waving wand] "Hocus-croakus!" [Her toad turns into a handsome young man in a suit with a Union-Jack vest.]

Mrs. Krabappel: "Oh, excellent, Lisa. A-plus. [aside to Lisa's prince] And we'll discuss your grade over breakfast." [She giggles.]

Handsome Prince: [gulping and chuckling nervously] "Yes, rather."

[Mrs. Krabappel moves on to Bart's desk.]

Mrs. Krabappel: "Well, Bart, did you study your spell book last night, or [sarcastically] did your fairy godmother die again?"

Bart: "I studied! [waves wand hesitantly] Abra-ca ... turn into a prince guy?" [His toad turns into a hideous toad-prince creature that constantly vomits.]

Mrs. Krabappel: "Sloppy work as usual. Lisa's casting spells at an eighth-grade level; you've sinned against nature."

Toad-Prince Creature: "Please kill me."

[In his lair, Lord Montymort spies on the classroom.]

Montymort: "Look at that Lisa Simpson. She's got more wicked witchery than Stevie Nicks. Oh, Slithers!" [Slithers enters.]

Slithers: "Yes, Lord Montymort?"

Montymort: "Let's capture that girl and steal her magical essence. I'm not getting squat from this yo-yo."

[Annoyed, Montymort puts on a helmet and gestures at the wall. Shackled to the wall is Ralph Wiggum, who is wearing a helmet identical to Montymort's and connected to it by a tube. Lumps of something are moving along the tube from Ralph's head to Montymort's.]

Ralph: [laughing] "Dying tickles!"

[At the magical recital, Milhouse's attempt at the Invisibility Cloak has just gone severely awry, leaving him standing on stage naked. He runs offstage, crying.]

Principal Skinner: [murmuring] "That was terrible. [louder, to the audience] I'll just sprinkle you all with some Amnesia Dust!"

[Skinner sprinkles the dust over the audience and they applaud. Skinner moves on to introducing the next student.]

Skinner: "A second-grade sorceress so powerful, she made tonight's refreshments out of dead people!"

Audience: "Eeeeeewwwwwww!!"

[Skinner sprinkles Amnesia Dust over the audience again, and they laugh.]

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