A Star Is Burns/Quotes

Quotes

[The Springfielders have a town meeting to discuss improving the town's image and atracting more tourism. Marge suggests hosting a film festival and having townspeople enter their own movies.]

Mayor Quimby: "All in favor of Marge Simpson's film festival idea?"

Crowd: [chanting in unison] "Film festival! Film festival!"

Marge: "You like my idea? Actually, I have several others--"

Crowd: [in unison, cutting her off] "Don't push your luck! Don't push your luck!"

[On TV, Rainier Wolfcastle is appearing on Coming Attractions, Jay Sherman's show. Wolfcastle talks about his new movie which depicts him as a comedian, alternating between telling bad jokes and dispatching hecklers with various weapons.]

Wolfcastle: "The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million."

Jay: [disgusted] "How do you sleep at night?"

Wolfcastle: "On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies."

Jay: [even more disgusted] "Just asking. Yeesh!"

[At the airport, the Simpsons meet Jay Sherman, who's come to judge the Springfield Film Festival.]

Marge: "Hello, I'm Marge Simpson, and this is my husband, Homer."

Jay: "Oh, nice to meet you, Marge. I saw your hair from the plane. [to Homer] And this must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil."

Homer: "It was a Gummi Bear."

[Preparing to make his movie for the film festival, Mr. Burns meets with Señor Spielbergo, his director.]

Burns: "Listen, Señor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler."

Spielbergo: [looking doubtful] "Er, Schindler es bueno. Señor Burns es el diablo."

Burns: "Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod: We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit! Now go out there and win me that festival!"

[At the Simpson home, Jay Sherman talks with Patty and Selma while Homer watches.]

Patty: "Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert."

Selma: "So tell us. Who's gay?"

Jay: "Oh, I don't know ... Harvey Fierstein."

Selma: "No!"

Patty: "Who else?"

[Homer whispers into Jay's ear.]

Jay: "Oh. MacGyver's gay."

[Patty and Selma growl and advance on Jay, who cowers from them. Homer giggles.]

[The scene shifts to outside. Jay has been stripped to his underwear and is dangling from the rain gutter by the waistband of his shorts.]

Bart: [seeing Jay and laughing] "You badmouthed MacGyver, didn't you?"

Dr. Hibbert: [walking to the movies in drag, then seeing the film festival is being held] "Oh, I thought they were showing The Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight."

[At the film festival, Hans Moleman's Man Getting Hit by Football has just been shown.]

Homer: [laughing to the point of tears] "This contest is over! Give that man the ten thousand dollars!"

Jay Sherman: [disapprovingly] "This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos."

Homer: "But ... the ball! His groin! It works on so many levels! [still laughing] Roll it again!"

Mr. Burns: "Smithers, are they booing me?"

Smithers: "Oh, no, sir. They're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns."

Burns: [to crowd] "Are you saying 'boo' or 'Boo-urns'?"

Crowd: "Boooooooooooo!"

Hans Moleman: [to himself] "I was saying 'Boo-urns'."

[The jury members are casting their votes for grand prize at the Springfield Film Festival. Jay Sherman is dismayed that Mr. Burns' movie is drawing votes.]

Jay: "How can you vote for Burns' movie?"

Krusty: "Let's just say it moved me ... TO A BIGGER HOUSE!! Oops, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet."

[A remake of Hans Moleman's movie is an Academy Award contender:]

George C. Scott: [on screen, getting hit by football] "Ow! My groin!"

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