The Wettest Stories Ever Told/Quotes
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< The Wettest Stories Ever Told
Revision as of 12:41, May 6, 2011 by Solar Dragon (talk)
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- Captain McCallister: Yarr. Sorry about the delay. The chef is having a problem with tonight's sepcial. (A knife-weilding chef is battling an octopus with eight knives). Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you somethin' from a better restaurant.
- Marge: Red Lobster?
- Captain McCallister: Not that good (the family moan in dissapointment). Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn may pass the time. Too bad I don't know any.
- Lisa: I know one, about the most inportant sea voyage in American history. The journey of "Mayflower".
- Captain McCallister: Ah, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
- Lisa: Not prostitutes, Protestants.
- Captain McCallister: Now who's being naiive?
Mayflower Madman
- Homer: I'm so bored, I figured out where the wallpaper pattern repeats. See, it goes: ship's wheel, Popeye tattoo, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs, and back to ship's wheel.
- Lisa: What about this swordfish?
- Homer: Oh! My life's work is ruined.
- Marge: Do you have your shipboard entertainments?
- Bart: I've got my toy wood lump! (he drops a lump of wood on the floor and starts to kick it around) What jolly fun!
- Beefeater Lenny: Has anyone seen this knave? (he holds up a picture of Homer)
- Beefeater Carl: He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the Jacobean era when the king's name is James, not Jacob.
- Lisa: Mother, we must protect him. Look, he's praying.
- Homer: Oh Lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.
- Homer: So, though art a widow, eh? Then the codpiece holds no terrors for thee.
- Homer: What kind of booze cruise is this? Where's the hooch?
- Ned Fladish: Heh, heh, heh, we Puritans have no place for drunkeness... or colorful clothes, or dreaming, or poetry. So, if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet. (panicked) Oh no! That was a poem! (he pulls out a cat-o'-nine-tails and flogs himself with it) Forgive me, Lord! (he pours salt on his back) Then, pour a little salt in the wounds... and I'm good.
- Marge: I see you met our devout leader, Ned Flandish.
- Homer: Stupid Flandish.
- Homer: Uh, listen, since all the other fun stuff is out of bounds, how 'bout a little Bible-thumping in the crow's nest? What do yiu say, Miss...?
- Marge: Constance Prudence Chasity Goodfaith.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Marge: My friends call me "Marge".
- Homer: Huh?
- Marge: Marge Obedience Temperance Sexwon't.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Moezekiel: We're engaged! I didn't kill her husband just so.... I-I mean, I-I didn't kill her husband.
- Marge: We're not engaged. Uh, it's really more of an amiable concordance.
- Flandish: Oh! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Such language from a woman. Oh no! i just thought of you as a woman! (begins flogging himself again).
- Reverend Lovejoy: Lord, we thank you for the many ways you show your love: the sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding and your hillarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it.
- Moezekiel: Oh my God, look at that hand-on-hand action! If I don't do somethin', soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries.
- Marge: Yes, the weather is fair.
- Moezekiel: Man, that guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious. (he addresses the camera) That's how we talk, weird, huh? (returning to character) Time to think of a plan most sneaky.
- Moezekiel: Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'm throwing a little party tonight to celebrate that only half of us have died so far.
- Homer: Beer! I thought you guys didn't drink on the Gayflower.
- Moezekiel: Stop callin' it that.
- Homer: What-ever.
- Marge: Homer, I can't believe I was thinking about letting you touch my elbow through a cloth.
- Homer: But, baby, a man has needs.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, I guess we'll never make it to the New World.
- Bart: Oh, when we landed, I was going to denounce my sister as a witch.
- Lisa: I keep telling you, the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft!
- Bart: Thirty-one plus fourty-three.
- Lisa: Seventy-four.
- Pilgrims: (pointing at Lisa) Witch! Witch! Witch!
- Flandish: I just thought of a name for where we're going. New England!
- Willie: Oh, that's real creative. Whaddaya call your foot? "New hand"?
- Flandish: At least I'm pitching.
- Homer: Land ho!
- Marge: What did you call me?
- Flandish: Great Chief Wig-gum, we could never have survived our first year in the new World without you. I almost regret what we Europeans are about to do to ya.
- Chief Wig-gum: What are you gonna do?
- Flandish: Give you the biggest slice of pumpkin pie! (under his breath) Also, we're gonna take your land and wipe you out. (normal talking voice) Who wants whipped topping?
