How the Vest Was Won!/Quotes

Quotes

Kent Brockman: Now, Bart, how exactly did you put those vicious punks behind bars?

Bart: With my dad's trusty video camera, Kent! See, I was "borrowing" the camera for a "school assignment" ... Well, maybe we should just roll the tape!

Kent Brockman: [indignant] I'm supposed to say that!

Chief Wiggum: Well, Kent, based on the evidence presented by young Bart Simpson, we apprehended the entire gang that same evening. A police force like ours is only as good as its dirty snitches.

Kent Brockman: So, what was in the crate that the young hoodlums stole? Hard liquor? Lottery tickets? Those new food stamps commemorating the '60s?

Chief Wiggum: No, Kent! It turns out that what they thought was a case of Mexican beer was in fact a case of wax lips! [He and the audience laugh.]

Ralph Wiggum: [in the audience, wearing a pair of wax lips] My daddy lets me play in the evidence locker!

Kent Brockman: Well, this reporter for one is glad to hear that these vicious young punks are locked up good and tight, where they can't seek blood-thirsty revenge on our upstanding young citizen, here. [gestures at Bart]

Chief Wiggum: [sheepishly] Ah ... You'd think that, wouldn't you? As it turns out, the judge let them off with an hour of community service. But don't you worry! At least during tonight's broadcast, I've got them right where I want them!

[The four bullies, seated in the front row of the audience and each wearing a pair of wax lips, give Bart and Wiggum a dirty look.]

Kent Brockman: Bart Simpson, for your bravery in the face of possible violent retribution, we award you this "Li'l Squealer" bullet-proof vest. The same type worn by many still-living law enforcement officers and whacked-out conspiracy theorists! [gives Bart the vest]

Bart: [envisioning himself vearing the vest and dressed as Neo from the Matrix movies] Cool, man!

Kent Brockman: [chuckles] And from the looks of those vengeful young thugs, you'll need it!

[At the breakfast table, Homer folds a pancake around several strips of bacon and revels in his culinary creativity.]

Homer: Hey! I just invented the bacon/pancake Gordita! Yo quiero Homer!

Edna Krabappel: [calling the roll] Prince, Martin ...

Martin Prince: Here!

Mrs. Krabappel: Simpson, Bart ... Bart? No! [gleeful] Ha! It's my lucky day!

[A sunglasses-wearing Bart makes his entrance, kicking the classroom door open.]

Bart: Not so fast, Mrs. Krabappel! Me and my vest are present and accounted for, Ma'am!

[Bart's entrance draws awed reactions from the other kids: "He looks like a movie star!" "Wow!" "Behold the power that is Bart!"]

Edna Krabappel: Actually, it should be "My vest and I", but since I can see no actual learning will take place today, who cares? Take your seat, Bart.

Bart: You got it, babe!

Marge: Now, look, Bart ...

Bart: [cutting her off] Mom, I know you're going to give me a lecture about wearing my vest to school. But how about we both just admit that the vest is way too cool to ever take off and I'll be on my way!

Marge: For your information, young man, I was just going to inform you that you forgot your pants.

Bart: [looking down and gasping] Aye carumba!

Nelson Muntz: [on walkie-talkie] Subject is entering the building! Repeat, subject is entering the building, over!

Kearney Zzyzwicz: Copy that, Red Leader! The sting is go! Repeat, the sting is go!

[Bart opens his locker and the bees go after him, but the vest protects him from being stung. The bees instead turn on Jimbo and Kearney. The scene shifts to the hospital.]

Kearney: [covered in bee stings, using walkie-talkie] Red Leader, Red Leader, this is K-Dad. Subject escaped. I regret to report that we have a casualty. [pauses] Yeah, turns out Agent J was allergic to bees.

Jimbo Jones: [in hospital bed, also covered in stings, swollen up and barely able to talk] ... Pull ... the ... plug ...

Apu: Ah, I see you are wearing the Dominator Mark IV Personal Armored Vest! Good stopping power, and it looks so snappy, too! Why, it is as much at home on the dance floor as it is during a hostage crisis!

Kearney: It hurts my fists to hit him on the vest, the comfort straps prevent me from giving him a wedgie, and he's wearing glasses, so I can't hit him in the face. I'm outta ideas, man!

Nelson: [dismayed] Dude, it's like I don't even know you anymore!

Kearney: [walking away] This bites. I'm sick of being a death squad, anyway. Call me when you're off this assault kick and back to petty larceny. I'm outta here.

Nelson: Hey, Simpson. I just wanted to let you know you cost me an hour of statue-polishin', and then you saved my life. I figure that makes us about even.

Bart: It's not a good deal, but I'll take it!

Nelson: [admiring Bart's ax] Nice ax, Simpson. It's got real vandalism potential. So, not wearing your vest anymore?

Bart: Nah, those straps were really starting to ride up.

[The scene shifts to a view of Downtown Springfield. Everyone on the street is wearing a bulletproof vest.]

Bart: Besides, I realized you have to be a real dork to walk around wearing a bulletproof vest!