Bart Simpson's Bible Stories/Quotes
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- Bart: Look, God made everything, right?
- Rod Flanders: Yes.
- Bart: And so he made TV. And God is perfect, right?
- Todd Flanders: Yes.
- Bart: So TV must be perfect, right?
- Rod: I guess so.
- Bart: Yo, Milhouse! I got a bag of gold. Wanna blow this town?
- Milhouse Van Houten: You bet! This place is so Old Testament!
- Marge: You could help with the plow sometime!
- Homer: That would be the sin of coveting my wife who has the job of my ox and my ass.
- Marge: I'd like to read those commandments you're always quoting sometime.
- Narrator: Abraham was ninety-nine when God spoke to him.
- God: Abe, I have a Job for you!
- Grampa: What's that? Speak up!
- God: I have something I need you to do!
- Grampa: Hey there, Job. What's new?
- Job: Oh hi, Abe. God's been testing me. My oxen died, my sheep were set on fire, my kids had a house fall on 'em, and I'm covered in these painful sores. Can't complain though. How about you?
- Grampa: God just told me to have a bunch of children with my beautiful wife Sarah.
- Job: [pauses] God's pet.
- God: Abe! You must offer your son as a burns sacrifice to prove your faith!
- Grampa: Sacrifice my son! Got it!
- Homer: Who are you talking to daddy?
- Grampa: Oh, no one.
- [more time passed...]
- God: Um... Abraham, about that sacrifice.
- Grampa: Right, right, I'm on it.
- [even more time passed...]
- God: Abe! I won't say this again! Sacrifice your son now!!
- Grampa: Well, this is the first I've heard of it.
- Grampa: You can either reject God and walk all the way down the mountain, or I can carry you home in this nice comfy urn!
- Homer: It is a long walk. I wish we belonged to one of those non-sacrificing religions.
- Grampa: Listen, son, you've helped me out, so if there's anything I can do for you, just name it!
- Homer: Well... I'd really like that bike I never got for Christmas.
- Lisa: How come they get every animal on Earth, and I can't even have a pony?
- Rod and Todd: [singing] God said to Noah there's gonna be a floody floody!
- Noah: Boys come inside and let the people drown in peace!
- Rod: Daddy, mommy's gone to Heaven.
- Noah: Well, that's gonna make repopulating the Earth a real dilly of a pickle.
- Noah: Wait a minute! All the sinners are still alive!
- Sideshow Bob: Yes, we were saved by the leprechauns.
- Bart: And so everyone in the Bible lived happily ever after. Except for Satan. The end.
