| We're Not in Equalia Anymore
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| Tapped Out Quest Information
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We're Not in Equalia Anymore is a premium questline in The Simpsons: Tapped Out. It was introduced in the Queen Helvetica content update. It requires Queen Helvetica to be obtained.
Dialogue[edit]
| After tapping on Queen Helvetica's exclamation mark
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Hello, Springfield! It is I, Queen Helvetica, ruler of the Kingdom of Equalia!
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Equalia is a land of tolerance and equal rights for all!
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Wait. If you're the queen, then it's not TOTALLY equal, is it?
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Well, SOMEONE needs to be queen. You need a government, right? But my every decree is just and fair.
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"Decree"? Sheesh, so you're a dictator?
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There's also a legislature. But they've never disagreed with my policies.
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So they just rubberstamp everything you say. THAT'S not a system ripe for abuse.
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YOU HAVE TO HAVE A QUEEN. OTHERWISE, WHO WEARS THE GOWNS AND TIARAS?
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Boys are so dumb.
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| Task: "Make Queen Helvetica Write Stories of Equalia". The job takes place at The Castle of Equalia and takes 60 minutes.
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Quest reward:  100 and  10
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| After tapping on Queen Helvetica's exclamation mark
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Mayor Quimby, hail from Equalia! The blessed realm of equality, fairness and acceptance for all.
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Mind telling me how you got elected running on such an asinine platform?
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Well, I'm queen so... no elections.
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How is a monarchy a land of equality?
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IT JUST IS, OKAY? WHY IS EVERYONE SO HUNG UP ON THIS?
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Anyway, Springfield could learn much from Equalia. May I share some of our enlightened policies with you?
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I'm more interested in you "sharing" the property taxes on that enormous castle. Which is in Springfield.
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The blessed realm of paying your taxes or here come the bulldozers.
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We have no money in Equalia. We're a post-scarcity utopian society.
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That's nice. Well, I've got a castle to rubble-ize.
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Wait! Maybe I could sell you some two-nicorns? It's a unicorn with two horns.
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So it's a deer.
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Well, no. Sort of.
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Task: "Reach Level 20 and Build Town Hall".
Task: "Make Queen Helvetica Meet with Mayor Quimby". The job takes place at the Town Hall and takes 12 hours.
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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| After tapping on Queen Helvetica's exclamation mark
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Long live Queen Helvetica! Ruthless despot of that blessed realm! The Iron Lady of Tolerance!
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You should visit Equalia. Seriously, everybody's totally happy.
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They'd better be! Or else!
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Am I right, oh Most Beneficent Tyrant?
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Why can't I explain this to anyone?
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If you've got propaganda to deliver, television is a first-rate medium!
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Task: "Reach Level 23 and Build Channel 6".
Task: "Make Queen Helvetica Do an Interview". The job takes place at Channel 6 and takes 4 hours.
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Kent Brockman, here, with Queen Helvetica. Tell us about Equalia, Your Majesty.
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It's a land of equal rights for--
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Any juicy gossip about the royal family? Bring us up to speed on the disgraceful scandals currently besmirching your reign.
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Uh...
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You see, America has never known monarchy. We pretend that makes us better than other nations.
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When, in fact, we are consumed with jealousy. Jealousy of the scrumptious, titillating gossip that even a second-rate royal family vomits forth!
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So feed the tabloid monster! How many of your sons are you ashamed of?
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I'm eight years old.
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You heard it here first, folks. A mother at eight! God, I love depraved royalty.
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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| After tapping on Queen Helvetica's exclamation mark
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I came to deliver a message of hope and peace, and all they care about is gossip-rag fodder!
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Sure, I've got some great diet tips. And my great-aunt DID have a torrid affair with an orc in that one story.
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But why is that more interesting than the fine points of anti-discrimination laws?
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Perhaps I'll have better luck talking with other children.
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This just in! Royal floozy trolls for boy toys! News at six!
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| Task: "Make Queen Helvetica Speak at Springfield Elementary". The job takes place at Springfield Elementary and takes 12 hours.
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Kent Brockman here, with local bully Nelson Muntz.
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Nelson, what was your impression of Queen Helvetica's tour of Springfield Elementary?
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Kent, my impression was that she was very into me, and wants my junk.
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And by junk you mean?
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I have no idea.
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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| After tapping on Queen Helvetica's exclamation mark
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Everyone in this town has a horrible opinion of me!
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Hey Queenie! Keep your shady regal attitude outta my shady bar!
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Who's Equalia's version of Camilla Parker-Bowles, and why won't you be nicer to her?
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Are you dating Nelson Muntz? If so -- great catch!
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I've got to get away from them!
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| Task: "Make Queen Helvetica Hide from Paparazzi". The job takes a Brown House or the Simpson House.
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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| After tapping on Queen Helvetica's exclamation mark
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I can't take this place! Why won't you leave me alone!?
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Just wait out the news cycle. Everyone forgets about everything after one news cycle.
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And... done. There. You're yesterday's news. Congratulations, whoever you are.
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Uh, thanks! So who replaced me in the public consciousness?
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Some kid on ViewTube who puts metal objects into electrical sockets. There he is!
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I'm a miracle I'm still alive!
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I can always count on you, Ralph Wiggum.
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| Task: "Make Queen Helvetica Listen to the Royal MyPod". The job takes 12 hours.
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| Quest reward: 200 and 20
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Behind the Laughter[edit]
The quest name is a reference to the quote "We're not in Kansas anymore" from The Wizard of Oz.
