Diatribe of a Mad Housewife/Quotes
Episode Quotes
Homer: You were gonna start a novel without informing me?! Marge: Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call! Homer: I also fed some ducklings. Marge: I know, I got your message.
Homer: Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby!
Marge: Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
Homer: Oh, I was so close!
Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I need some dinner STAT! And the kids need some CPR lessons.
Lisa: We're not paramedics!
Homer: I'll say.
Tom Clancy: Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, Marge Simpson's book is a clear and present danger to your free time"? Hell no I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? That doesn't count! Hello. Hello?
Marge(to herself):I'm finished, and it's so suggestive. Well like they say "snuggling sells."
Marge: Homie, I finished my novel… Homer: Wooh, typed. Marge: It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think. Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages! Marge: It's double spaced. Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
Homer: How can you write such horrible things about me?
Marge: You told me you liked it! You didn't read it at all! You lied to me!
Homer: I didn't lie. I was writing fiction with my mouth.
Flanders: Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you?
Marge: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.
Marge: Well? Homer: Well what? Marge: Did you read it? Homer: [eye bounces left to right twice] um... yes. Marge: Did you like it? Homer: [eye bounces left to right twice] um... yes. Marge: Do you think I should publish it? Homer: You know what I say, publish or parish!
Marge: Did you like it? Lisa: (puts down last page) Don't you think you're a little hard on Dad? Marge: What do you mean? Lisa: (reading page) 'He went to the shop with the sign: Salted Blowholes. "Mmm... Blowholes," he drooled.' Doesn't that sound a little like Dad? Marge: Yes, I guess it does resemble your father.
[The windsock at Boris's Car Lot is ripped from its platform; it flies away.] Homer: Awww. That was my only friend here. [Homer gets up on the platform and "performs" in the windsock's place.]
[Homer's driving the ambulance with Comic Book Guy - who's clutching his heart - in the back.]
Homer: So, where to, my friend?
Comic Book Guy: I already told you: the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a cab!
Homer: The hospital, huh? Seems like everyone's going there tonight.
[Homer's driving the ambulance with an unconscious man in the back.]
Homer: [to the unconscious man] So, you got any kids? [beat] Quiet kind, huh?
Lisa: Bart, this is horrible! What if Dad reads it ("The Harpooned Heart")?
Bart: It's too long; he won't read it.
Lisa: Well, what if they make it into a movie?
Bart: It's too sappy; he won't see it.
Lisa: Well, what if they do a parody about it on MADtv?
Bart: [gasps] We're doomed!
