Grampa's Christmas Origins: Christmas Cookies/Quotes

Quotes

[It's Christmas Eve at the Simpson home. Bart and Lisa are leaving treats by the fireplace for Santa Claus.]

Lisa: Santa is going to love washing down these vegan carob chip cookies with a nice glass of unsweetened soy milk!

Bart: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, I'm sure it'll be the highlight of his night ...

[To their surprise, they find Grampa sitting in the chair next to the fireplace.]

Grampa: What's this malarkey about cookies for Santa?

Lisa: Grampa?! Why aren't you at the retirement home?

Grampa: Apparently, I have to tell you how this silly tradition got started!

[As Grampa narrates, the scene shifts to an orphanage in the 1920s.]

Grampa: [narrating] It all began one Christmas Eve in an orphanage back in the olden days!

[Milhouse, who has been baking, removes his creation from the oven. It's a cake with a candy cane stuck in it and it's on fire.]

Milhouse: Santa Claus is sure to leave me the best toy tonight thanks to my magnificent candy cane flambé!

[The four school bullies (Nelson, Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney) are unimpressed.]

Nelson: You're nuts. Santa's too busy to stop and eat.

Kearney: Enjoy your sissy cake, loser!

Grampa: [narrating] Later that night, that sissy cake would be put to St. Nick's litmus test ...

[The bullies are all asleep, but Milhouse, undeterred by their derision, has stayed up to await Santa's arrival. He sees Santa (who bears a remarkable resemblance to Grampa) landing in the fireplace.]

Milhouse: He's here! Santa is really here! He's going to love my flambé!

Santa: Ho-ho-ho, little boy! Shouldn't you be asleep?

Milhouse: [stammering] I-I thought you might be hungry after all your travels, Santa! [He holds up the cake (still on fire) to Santa.]

Santa: Well, I didn't get this belly counting calories, did I? [takes a bite of the flaming cake] Hot diggity!

["Hot diggity" proves to be a scorchingly accurate assessment, as the cake ignites Santa's mouth.]

Santa: [dropping the cake and screaming] AGGHHH! My mouth is on fire!

[The commotion awakens the bullies, and they quickly spring into action.]

Jimbo: [standing behind Santa and holding him upright] Here! Drink this, Santa!

[Dolph pours a glass of milk into Santa's mouth while Kearney stands ready with a bottle of milk.]

Nelson: How about a cookie? [holds up a plate full of cookies and offers one to Santa]

[After Santa has the milk and cookies, things calm down. Santa is grateful for the assistance.]

Santa: [to the bullies] You boys saved Christmas! And for that, I'm going to give you all my best toys and find you new families! [He angrily turns to Milhouse.] Except you, Bakey McTongue-Torcher! You get a lifetime of unfulflled hopes and dreams!

Milhouse: [hanging his head] Aww ... I knew I should have made paella instead!

Grampa: [narrating] By next Christmas, the idea of leaving cookies for Santa had spread to the entire world. Fatty Arbuckle became the national spokesman for the Cookie Initiative. This would eventually lead to the Great Cookie Prohibition of 1929. Cookies would not be seen again until 1987 when Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone's vault!

[The scene shifts back to the present as Grampa finishes the story—and finishes the carob cookies and soy milk that Bart and Lisa had brought for Santa.]

Grampa: Then, Santa went on a cookie bender and died from obesity, rendering the cookies-and-milk tradition a morbid reminder of how truly evil orphans can be!

[Annoyed, Bart and Lisa walk away.]

Lisa: Is he going to try to ruin every Christmas tradition for us?

Bart: Wait 'til he tells you his theories on Easter, evolution, and Kevin James's career ...