Stonecutters
Contents
Society
The Stonecutters meet on Wednesday nights in a large headquarters, and their activities mostly involve drinking beer in different ways (as well as playing Ping-Pong and attending AA meetings). Members are identified by number rather than name, assigned by the order in which they joined. At least 907 members had joined before Homer. There are only two ways to gain membership: Be the son of a Stonecutter (the society is men only) or save the life of a Stonecutter. The initiation rites mainly involved pranks and being spanked with paddles. The final rite is an oath, the last line of which states that if the secret society is revealed, then the teller's "stomach become bloated, and their head plucked of all but three hairs" (Moe Szyslak suggests that Homer should take a different oath).
The society has two stones, which are attached by a chain shackled around the wearers neck, then dragged. The Stone of Shame is used primarily for banishment; tradition dictates that the wearer be naked. The Stone of Triumph is the larger of the two, and is used for Coronation ceremonies.
Privileges
The rewards are vast: They include reserved roads, closer parking spaces, wonderful chairs, free soft drinks, and swift house repairs. Stonecutters are also told the real emergency services number - 912. The membership pack contains stickers to stop their cars being towed or their wallets stolen by paramedics. Also seen are a society t-shirt, robes, underwear, handbook and secret handshake.
Collapse and reformation
On the night of their 1500th anniversary, Homer Simpson (who got to join because his father was a member) accidentally destroyed The Sacred Parchment. He was about to be banished forever, when Julius Hibbert noticed that he bore the mark of the prophesied Chosen One. Homer became their new leader, and they went out of their way to impress him and let him succeed at everything (by rigging various games in his favor). Homer felt isolated, and urged that The Stonecutters use their power to help other people. The society got increasingly annoyed with the humanitarian tasks that The Chosen One (Homer) kept setting them. The World Council suggested that Homer be killed, but Moe came up with the idea of forming a new club. The society went ahead with this plan, and the The Ancient Mystic Society of No Homers was born.
Members
Stonecutter's Members (Springfield)
- Number One (No. 1)
- Homer Simpson (No. 908 / The Chosen One)
- Lenny Leonard (No. 12)
- Carl Carlson (No. 14)
- Charles Montgomery Burns (No. 29)
- Waylon Smithers
- Moe Syzlak
- Clancy Wiggum
- Julius Hibbert
- Seymour Skinner
- Herman
- Krusty the Clown
- Sideshow Mel
- Kirk Van Houten
- Martin Prince, Sr.
- Kent Brockman
- Joe Quimby
- Groundskeeper Willie
- The Egg Council Guy
- Steve Guttenberg
- Apu Nahasapeemapetilan
- Mr. Largo
- Scott Christian
- Jasper Beardley
- Assistant Superintendent Leopold
- Barney Gumble
- Abraham Simpson
- Rafael
- Stonecutter's Painter
- An Alien
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World Council
Stonecutter Theme song
The Stonecutter theme song goes as follows;
- Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do, we do!
- Who keeps Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do, we do!
- Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do, we do!
- Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? We do, we do, we do!'
It is implied that they are responsible for all of these mysteries.
In Video Games
The Simpsons Road Rage
In The Simpsons Road Rage the Stonecutters are only minorly shown. There is a Stonecutters lodge in the Springfield dam, where some people want to be driven to.
The Simpsons: Hit and Run
In The Simpsons: Hit and Run you can drive through the secret Stonecutters lodge in the first and fourth levels. It leads to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Homer can also buy the chosen one suit.
A card about the Stoncutters.
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Real World
- The Stonecutters are based on The Freemasons.
- In the World of Springfield line of toys, various Stonecutter figures were released.
Appearances
Episode – "Homer the Great" 
Video game – The Simpsons Road Rage - Video game – The Simpsons: Hit and Run
