Into the Woods/Quotes

Quotes

Lisa: Oh boy! How I love being close to all this nature! It just seems so ... natural!

Bart: Ah! Kamp Krusty! All this fresh air is really gonna provide an uptick in my usual level of tomfoolery! I can't wait to explore every inch of this place!

Milhouse Van Houten: [rummaging through his backpack] I hope my mom packed my allergy medicine.

[Martin comes out and greets the trio.]

Martin Prince: Lisa! Delighted to have you here! I'm staging a musical pageant that chronicles the adventures of the pioneers who settled the untamed wild of the Old West. I could really use your help!

Lisa: Of course! Who doesn't love a historical pageant?!

Bart: You got my vote. I doesn't.

Lisa: [ignoring Bart] Tell me all about it, Martin!

Martin: I've woven a rich tapestry of triumph and travails inspired by the brutal hardships these brave souls endured.

Bart: Oh, boo hoo! Some old dudes had "hardships". Who cares?!

Martin: I care, Bart. I care enough to write a musical review that showcases their heroic struggle!

Lisa: It sounds fascinating, Martin! You know, the Donner Party got lost on their way to California and resorted to cannibalism in order to survive!

Bart: Were they too cheap to install GPS on their Conestoga wagons?

Milhouse: Good one, Bart!

Lisa: Don't pay any attention to them, Martin. They think "the Old West" is an actor who played Batman on TV. [gives Bart a dirty look] Get lost, Bart!

Martin: Now, now, Lisa. One must never stoop to the level of the Philistines.

Bart: C'mon, Milhouse. Let's get away from these dorks and explore the deep woods.

Milhouse: Well ... Let's be sure to be back in time for lunch, okay? My mom says I'm a real bear when my blood sugar drops! [They leave the camp and head into the woods.]

Bart: This is what Kamp Krusty is all about, Milhouse! Not watching some prissy pageant about a bunch of losers with no sense of direction.

Milhouse: Yeah. Stupid pioneers! They make me so angry!

Bart: Just look at all these awesome trees! Each one different from the next! [after a brief pause] Okay. I've seen enough trees. I'm bored.

Milhouse: I'm getting hungry. Let's head back to camp, Bart.

Bart: [looking around] I thought we were heading back.

Milhouse: [also looking around] Uh, Bart ... None of this looks familiar. I think we're lost.

Bart: [angry] Yeah. All these idiotic pine trees look the same to me.

[They keep walking. Bart sees a bear partially visible behind some bushes.]

Bart: Hmmm. I don't remember passing that bear before, do you?

Milhouse: [scared] Did you say bear?!!

Bart and Milhouse: AAAHHH! Bear attack!!

[They run away screaming. A wider view of the bear, however, reveals that it's actually a statue holding a sign with a no-smoking graphic and a caption reading "Keep your butts out of the forest". Bart and Milhouse, not seeing this, run further into the woods.]

Milhouse: We outran him, Bart! He was ginormous! It must have been a giant grizzly! We're lucky to be alive.

Bart: Yeah, but if we weren't lost before, we're definitely lost now!

Milhouse: It's getting dark already! We've been gone for hours! I'm starting to feel a giant knot in my stomach!

Bart: That's because we're slowly starving to death!

Milhouse: [frantically] What will we do? Where will we sleep? What will we eat?

Bart: I don't know. I'm too hungry to think straight. [thoughtfully, talking mostly to himself] So hungry ... Lisa mentioned how the Donner Party survived by eating each other ... and I've heard stories where sailors cast adrift would draw lots to see who would be killed and eaten ... and then there were those rugby players whose plane crashed in the Andes ... yeah ...

[Bart's vision becomes blurry. He starts salivating as he looks at Milhouse.]

Bart: [continuing] ... It's not just for savage cannibals ... I'll bet it's done all the time ...

[In Bart's vision, Milhouse turns into a giant lamb chop. Bart starts drooling and licking his chops.]

Milhouse: Bart? What are you mumbling about? And why are you looking at me like that?

[Bart lunges at Milhouse and bites him on the leg. Milhouse screams loudly: "YIIIIIII!"]

Lisa: Good grief! That sounds like a wounded moose! Or a wounded Milhouse! [calling out] Milhouse? Is that you?

Milhouse: [from behind a bush] Lisa?!!

[Bart and Milhouse stagger from behind the bush back into camp.]

Bart: Lisa! We were lost in the woods! You would not believe the hardships we endured!

Milhouse: We nearly starved to death!

Lisa: Calm down, you two. You've only been gone for half an hour, and the only meal you missed was snack time.

Bart: What are you talking about?

Milhouse: Only half an hour?

Bart: But we were chased by a pack of grizzly bears!

Milhouse: And Bart tried to eat me!

Lisa: [sarcastically] Oh, boo hoo! So much drama!

[Martin suddenly appears, wearing a pioneer-style leather outfit.]

Martin: Did someone say drama?!

Bart: [disgusted, turning away from Martin and away from the camp] That's it. I'll take my chances in the woods.