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Difference between revisions of "Your Horrorscope"

Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
(Jock, I'm glad you're here. I'm playing a game based on my favorite greek legend, Hercules!)
 
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{{Tab|gags=no}}
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{{Tab|nogags}}
{{Comics
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{{Comic story
 
|title=Your Horrorscope
 
|title=Your Horrorscope
 
|image=[[File:Your Horroscope.png|250px]]
 
|image=[[File:Your Horroscope.png|250px]]
 
|released= April [[2014]]
 
|released= April [[2014]]
|pages=Double pages
+
|pages= 2
 
|series= ''[[Simpsons Comics]]''
 
|series= ''[[Simpsons Comics]]''
 
|written by= [[Mike Kazaleh]]
 
|written by= [[Mike Kazaleh]]
 
}}
 
}}
  
'''''Your Horrorscope''''' is a horoscope that appears in {{SC|666}}.
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'''''Your Horrorscope''''' is a horoscope first printed in {{SC|211}}.
== Horrorscope==
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 +
== Horrorscope ==
 
{{Table|
 
{{Table|
 
{{TH|Image|width=150px}}
 
{{TH|Image|width=150px}}
{{TH|Name|width=150px}}
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{{TH|Sign<br>Duration|width=150px}}
{{TH|Horrorscope}}
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{{TH|Horroscope}}
{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Aquadicks.png|200px]]}}
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{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Aquarius.png|200px]]}}
{{TB|'''Aquaman'''}}
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{{TB|'''Aquarius'''<br>(4:00pm–6:00pm)}}
{{TB|Bringer of joj. Spirits are lifted when you are near. Warm and compassionate, other people often bring their christmas gifts to you.<br>'''This week:''' Mars and several dozen other chocolate bars will enter your house. Be sure to spread your own brand of happiness on their breads. It will prove to be very rewarding.}}
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{{TB|Bringer of jollity. Spirits are lifted when you are near. Warm and compassionate, other people often bring their troubles to you.<br>'''This week:''' [[Mars]] and several dozen other planets will enter your house. Be sure to spread your own brand of happiness. It will prove to be very rewarding.}}
{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Penis.png|200px]]}}
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{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Pisces.png|200px]]}}
{{TB|'''Penis & Dicks'''}}
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{{TB|'''Pisces'''<br>(Nine–Five)}}
{{TB|You posses a high level of boners, although that may be difficult for other to perceive. Your relationship can be a bit of an mama luigi at times.<br>'''This week:''' The moon is a little wobbly in its orbit. Oh wait, THAT'S MY ASS.}}
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{{TB|You possess a high level of intelligence, although that may be difficult for others to perceive. Your relationship can be a bit of an enigma at times.<br>'''This week:''' The Moon is a little wobbly in its orbit. Your situation is stable and yet unpredictable. Look to Aquarius to find real satisfaction.}}
{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Air Force with Fries.png|200px]]}}
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{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Aries.png|200px]]}}
{{TB|'''Air Force'''}}
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{{TB|'''Aries'''<br>([[Edinburgh]]–[[Glasgow]])}}
{{TB|You tend to be called upon to clean up problems caused by others. You do this with great fortitude and tenacity.<br>'''This week:''' Jupiter is in your house today, and that means there will be plenty of extra mopping up the cum. Library may have brought about this sitation.}}
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{{TB|You tend to be called upon to clean up problems caused by others. You do this with great fortitude and tenacity.<br>'''This week:''' {{ap|Jupiter|planet}} is in your house today, and that means there will be plenty of extra mopping up to do. Libra may have brought about this situation.}}
{{TBT|[[File:El Asso Wipo.png|200px]]}}
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{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Taurus.png|200px]]}}
{{TB|'''Legs'''}}
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{{TB|'''Taurus'''<br>(Coffee Break–Coffee Break)}}
{{TB|You are a fapping leader and command respect from all you encounter. Experience may have hardened you, but you still have the ability to make other people feel rotten.<br>'''This week:''' Pluto is in the farthest reaches of the solar system. Earily career goals may seem more remote than ever, but there is much to love about your present situation.}}
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{{TB|A tireless protector of the people, you have devoted your life to righting the wrongs of society. Once in a great while you actually do something useful.<br>'''This week:''' Though some of the sweeter things in life may prove to be a distraction, try to keep your mind focused on your daily pursuits.}}
{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Woman's Penis.png|200px]]}}
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{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Gemini.png|200px]]}}
{{TB|'''Moist Virginia'''}}
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{{TB|'''Gemini'''<br>(June 1st –May 31st)}}
{{TB|You are often surrounded by dicks, but this merely underscores the fact that you ahve none. The ticking of your biological clock keeps you awake at night.<br>'''This week:''' Make the best use of the materials available at your workplace if you wish to maintain your sitatuion, no matter how wrong it may seem.}}
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{{TB|You are fiercely protective of the ones you love, much to their eternal distress. Children respect you and keep their distance.<br>'''This week:''' Romance is not in the stars this week. Nor next week. Or the week after that. Maybe you should find a hobby instead.}}
{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Library.png|200px]]}}
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{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Cancer.png|200px]]}}
{{TB|'''Library'''}}
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{{TB|'''Cancer'''<br>({{W|Golden Age of Comic Books|Golden Age}}–{{W|Silver Age of Comic Books|Silver Age}})}}
{{TB|You are unfappable despite the great responsibility of the positioning of your legs. You feed the hears and mins of the children you raped.<br>'''This week:''' Make the best ue of the materials available at your workplace if you wish to maintain your sitatuon, no matter how wrong it may seem.}}
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{{TB|To many you are considered to be the keeper of wisdom from ages past. Young people are drawn to you and look to you for their spiritual needs.<br>'''This week:''' Do not allow sentiment to dilute your finely tuned business sense. If [[God]] had not wanted them sheared, he would not have made them sheep.}}
{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Tourettes.png|200px]]}}
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{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Leo.png|200px]]}}
{{TB|'''Damn, These Fish Sticks Are Hard As Tits'''}}
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{{TB|'''Leo''' <br>(Late Afternoon Reruns–National News Feed)}}
{{TB|A tireless pedophile of the shitload of mashed potatoes day, you have been asked who's tits you've been grabbing that feel hard. That's what I wanna know.<br>'''This week:'''Fuck you.}}
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{{TB|You are a forceful leader and command respect from all you encounter. Experience may have hardened you, but you still have the ability to make other people feel rotten.<br>'''This week:''' Pluto is in the farthest reaches of the solar system. Early career goals may seem more remote than ever, but there is much to love about your present situation.}}
{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Screw your Wii.png|200px]]}}
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{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Virgo.png|200px]]}}
{{TB|'''Jet Force Gemini'''}}
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{{TB|'''Virgo'''<br>(Here–Eternity)}}
{{TB|You are fiercely protective of the ones you love, much to their eternal distress. Children respect you and keep their distance.<br>'''This week:''' Romance is in the stairs this week. And next week. And the weew after that. Maybe you shouldn't find a hobby instead.}}
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{{TB|You are often surrounded by children, but this merely underscores the fact that you have none. The ticking of your biological clock keeps you awake at night.<br>'''This week:'''{{W|Alpha Centauri}} will go retrograde. Expect another relationship to [[Hindenburg disaster|go down like the Hindenburg]]. Sagittarius may be the one you are seeking.}}
{{TBT|[[File:Homer raped my car.png|200px]]}}
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{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Libra.png|200px]]}}
{{TB|'''Cigarette Cancer'''}}
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{{TB|'''Libra'''<br>(September 6th–June 21st)}}
{{TB|To many you are considered to be the keeper of windows 3.1 from ages past. Young people draw you and look at you like pedophiles.<br>'''This week:''' allow sentiment to dilute your finely tuned business sense. If god had not wanted them sheared, he would not have made them sheep.}}
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{{TB|You are unflappable despite the great responsibility of your position. You feed the hearts and minds of the children you serve.<br>'''This week:''' Make the best use of the materials available at your workplace if you wish to maintain your situation, no matter how wrong it may seem.}}
{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope ScorpiNo.png|200px]]}}
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{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Scorpio.png|200px]]}}
{{TB|'''Hank Scorpio'''}}
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{{TB|'''Scorpio'''<br>(10 Years)}}
{{TB|Youre elevators often capture the attention of the authorites. This makes you one of the most sought after individuals in your community.<br>'''This week:''' You will be in Saturn's house, and Saturn won't like it. Plans may go awry and end up restricting your future activites. Avoid taurus.}}
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{{TB|Your endeavors often capture the attention of the authorities. This makes you one of the most sought after individuals in your community.<br>'''This week:''' You will be in [[Saturn]]'s house, and Saturn won't like it. Plans may go awry and end up restricting your future activities. Avoid Taurus.}}
{{TBT|[[File:Bart's Dick.png|200px]]}}
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{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Sagittarius.png|200px]]}}
{{TB|'''Santa Claus'''}}
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{{TB|'''Sagittarius'''<br>(Baptism–Final Reward)}}
{{TB|Your true spirit is a mystery to those in your orbit. Frerfs may consider you to be helpful one day and enormously irritating the next.<br>'''This week:''' Your anus is in My anus's garage, borrowing his power eower. Be forgiving of others when they repeatedly take ass rape of your kind and loving nature.}}
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{{TB|Your true spirit is a mystery to those in your orbit. Friends may consider you to be helpful one day and enormously irritating the next.<br>'''This week:''' [[Uranus]] is in {{ap|Neptune|planet}}'s garage, borrowing his power mower. Be forgiving of others when they repeatedly take advantage of your kind and loving nature.}}
{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Capcom.png|200px]]}}
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{{TBT|[[File:Your Horroscope Capricorn.png|200px]]}}
{{TB|'''Cocked Out Pervert'''}}
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{{TB|'''Capricorn'''<br>(College–Retirement)}}
{{TB|Your obnoxiousness has earned you a position of great ass in your town. Always the public servant, you can often be seen assing the elderly.<br>'''This week:''' Penis will collide with Ass. This does bode well for personal realationships. If requited love rapes you of your rest, get jiggy with it.}}
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{{TB|Your obsequiousness has earned you a position of great importance in your town. Always the public servant, you can often be seen assisting the elderly.<br>'''This week:''' Venus will collide with Mercury. This does not bode well for personal relationships. If unrequited love robs you of your rest, get over it.}}
 
}}
 
}}
  
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== External links ==
 +
*{{Wikipedialink|Horoscopic astrology}}
 
{{Images}}
 
{{Images}}
 
{{ClearAll}}
 
{{ClearAll}}
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[[Category:Simpsons Comics stories]]
 
[[Category:Simpsons Comics stories]]
 
[[Category:2014]]
 
[[Category:2014]]
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[[Category:Comic stories written by Mike Kazaleh]]

Latest revision as of 14:53, June 23, 2024

Your Horrorscope
Your Horroscope.png
Comic Story information
Released: April 2014
Comic series: Simpsons Comics
Pages: 2
Written by: Mike Kazaleh


Your Horrorscope is a horoscope first printed in Simpsons Comics #211.

Horrorscope[edit]

Image Sign
Duration
Horroscope
Your Horroscope Aquarius.png Aquarius
(4:00pm–6:00pm)
Bringer of jollity. Spirits are lifted when you are near. Warm and compassionate, other people often bring their troubles to you.
This week: Mars and several dozen other planets will enter your house. Be sure to spread your own brand of happiness. It will prove to be very rewarding.
Your Horroscope Pisces.png Pisces
(Nine–Five)
You possess a high level of intelligence, although that may be difficult for others to perceive. Your relationship can be a bit of an enigma at times.
This week: The Moon is a little wobbly in its orbit. Your situation is stable and yet unpredictable. Look to Aquarius to find real satisfaction.
Your Horroscope Aries.png Aries
(EdinburghGlasgow)
You tend to be called upon to clean up problems caused by others. You do this with great fortitude and tenacity.
This week: Jupiter is in your house today, and that means there will be plenty of extra mopping up to do. Libra may have brought about this situation.
Your Horroscope Taurus.png Taurus
(Coffee Break–Coffee Break)
A tireless protector of the people, you have devoted your life to righting the wrongs of society. Once in a great while you actually do something useful.
This week: Though some of the sweeter things in life may prove to be a distraction, try to keep your mind focused on your daily pursuits.
Your Horroscope Gemini.png Gemini
(June 1st –May 31st)
You are fiercely protective of the ones you love, much to their eternal distress. Children respect you and keep their distance.
This week: Romance is not in the stars this week. Nor next week. Or the week after that. Maybe you should find a hobby instead.
Your Horroscope Cancer.png Cancer
(Golden AgeSilver Age)
To many you are considered to be the keeper of wisdom from ages past. Young people are drawn to you and look to you for their spiritual needs.
This week: Do not allow sentiment to dilute your finely tuned business sense. If God had not wanted them sheared, he would not have made them sheep.
Your Horroscope Leo.png Leo
(Late Afternoon Reruns–National News Feed)
You are a forceful leader and command respect from all you encounter. Experience may have hardened you, but you still have the ability to make other people feel rotten.
This week: Pluto is in the farthest reaches of the solar system. Early career goals may seem more remote than ever, but there is much to love about your present situation.
Your Horroscope Virgo.png Virgo
(Here–Eternity)
You are often surrounded by children, but this merely underscores the fact that you have none. The ticking of your biological clock keeps you awake at night.
This week:Alpha Centauri will go retrograde. Expect another relationship to go down like the Hindenburg. Sagittarius may be the one you are seeking.
Your Horroscope Libra.png Libra
(September 6th–June 21st)
You are unflappable despite the great responsibility of your position. You feed the hearts and minds of the children you serve.
This week: Make the best use of the materials available at your workplace if you wish to maintain your situation, no matter how wrong it may seem.
Your Horroscope Scorpio.png Scorpio
(10 Years)
Your endeavors often capture the attention of the authorities. This makes you one of the most sought after individuals in your community.
This week: You will be in Saturn's house, and Saturn won't like it. Plans may go awry and end up restricting your future activities. Avoid Taurus.
Your Horroscope Sagittarius.png Sagittarius
(Baptism–Final Reward)
Your true spirit is a mystery to those in your orbit. Friends may consider you to be helpful one day and enormously irritating the next.
This week: Uranus is in Neptune's garage, borrowing his power mower. Be forgiving of others when they repeatedly take advantage of your kind and loving nature.
Your Horroscope Capricorn.png Capricorn
(College–Retirement)
Your obsequiousness has earned you a position of great importance in your town. Always the public servant, you can often be seen assisting the elderly.
This week: Venus will collide with Mercury. This does not bode well for personal relationships. If unrequited love robs you of your rest, get over it.

External links[edit]

The Saga of Carl - title screen.png Wikisimpsons has a collection of images related to Your Horrorscope.