Difference between revisions of "The Wettest Stories Ever Told/Quotes"

Revision as of 11:41, May 6, 2011

Captain McCallister: Yarr. Sorry about the delay. The chef is having a problem with tonight's sepcial. (A knife-weilding chef is battling an octopus with eight knives). Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you somethin' from a better restaurant.

Marge: Red Lobster?

Captain McCallister: Not that good (the family moan in dissapointment). Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn may pass the time. Too bad I don't know any.

Lisa: I know one, about the most inportant sea voyage in American history. The journey of "Mayflower".

Captain McCallister: Ah, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.

Lisa: Not prostitutes, Protestants.

Captain McCallister: Now who's being naiive?

Mayflower Madman

Homer: I'm so bored, I figured out where the wallpaper pattern repeats. See, it goes: ship's wheel, Popeye tattoo, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs, and back to ship's wheel.

Lisa: What about this swordfish?

Homer: Oh! My life's work is ruined.

Marge: Do you have your shipboard entertainments?

Bart: I've got my toy wood lump! (he drops a lump of wood on the floor and starts to kick it around) What jolly fun!

Beefeater Lenny: Has anyone seen this knave? (he holds up a picture of Homer)

Beefeater Carl: He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the Jacobean era when the king's name is James, not Jacob.

Lisa: Mother, we must protect him. Look, he's praying.

Homer: Oh Lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.

Homer: So, though art a widow, eh? Then the codpiece holds no terrors for thee.

Homer: What kind of booze cruise is this? Where's the hooch?

Ned Fladish: Heh, heh, heh, we Puritans have no place for drunkeness... or colorful clothes, or dreaming, or poetry. So, if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet. (panicked) Oh no! That was a poem! (he pulls out a cat-o'-nine-tails and flogs himself with it) Forgive me, Lord! (he pours salt on his back) Then, pour a little salt in the wounds... and I'm good.

Marge: I see you met our devout leader, Ned Flandish.

Homer: Stupid Flandish.

Homer: Uh, listen, since all the other fun stuff is out of bounds, how 'bout a little Bible-thumping in the crow's nest? What do yiu say, Miss...?

Marge: Constance Prudence Chasity Goodfaith.

Homer: D'oh!

Marge: My friends call me "Marge".

Homer: Huh?

Marge: Marge Obedience Temperance Sexwon't.

Homer: D'oh!

Moezekiel: We're engaged! I didn't kill her husband just so.... I-I mean, I-I didn't kill her husband.

Marge: We're not engaged. Uh, it's really more of an amiable concordance.

Flandish: Oh! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Such language from a woman. Oh no! i just thought of you as a woman! (begins flogging himself again).

Reverend Lovejoy: Lord, we thank you for the many ways you show your love: the sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding and your hillarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it.

Moezekiel: Oh my God, look at that hand-on-hand action! If I don't do somethin', soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries.

Marge: Yes, the weather is fair.

Moezekiel: Man, that guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious. (he addresses the camera) That's how we talk, weird, huh? (returning to character) Time to think of a plan most sneaky.

Moezekiel: Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'm throwing a little party tonight to celebrate that only half of us have died so far.

Homer: Beer! I thought you guys didn't drink on the Gayflower.

Moezekiel: Stop callin' it that.

Homer: What-ever.

Marge: Homer, I can't believe I was thinking about letting you touch my elbow through a cloth.

Homer: But, baby, a man has needs.

Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, I guess we'll never make it to the New World.

Bart: Oh, when we landed, I was going to denounce my sister as a witch.

Lisa: I keep telling you, the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft!

Bart: Thirty-one plus fourty-three.

Lisa: Seventy-four.

Pilgrims: (pointing at Lisa) Witch! Witch! Witch!

Flandish: I just thought of a name for where we're going. New England!

Willie: Oh, that's real creative. Whaddaya call your foot? "New hand"?

Flandish: At least I'm pitching.

Homer: Land ho!

Marge: What did you call me?

Flandish: Great Chief Wig-gum, we could never have survived our first year in the new World without you. I almost regret what we Europeans are about to do to ya.

Chief Wig-gum: What are you gonna do?

Flandish: Give you the biggest slice of pumpkin pie! (under his breath) Also, we're gonna take your land and wipe you out. (normal talking voice) Who wants whipped topping?

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