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The Man of the House/Quotes

Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki


[One fine day at the Wiggum house ...]
Clancy: Daddy has to run out for just a minute, Ralphie. You're in charge 'til I get back. Okay?
Ralph: Yes, Daddy!
Clancy: I won't be gone long, son.
Ralph: Okay, Daddy!
[Clancy leaves. Ralph shuts the door.]
Ralph: That makes me the man of the house! I'm just like Daddy now, 'cept I'm smaller and my pants are wetter.

[Ralph realizes that certain responsibilities go with his new status.]
Ralph: First, I must secure the perimeter! [He locks and bolts the front door.]
[Ralph walks into the kitchen.]
Ralph: Now, it's time for a man of the house meal! [asserting his authority] Okay, kitchen ... I'm the boss of you now! That goes for you too, Mr. Fridgergator!
[Ralph walks to the coffeemaker.]
Ralph: I'll make a pot of coffee like the grown-up men drink!
[Ralph gets a vase with flowers.]
Ralph: First, you add water. [He pours the water from the vase into the coffeemaker's water reservoir.]
Ralph: Then, you add the coffee peanuts. [He pours in an entire can of coffee.]
[Ralph next pours in a jug of milk and a bag of sugar.]
Ralph: Daddy likes his coffee with cream and sugar!
[Ralph takes the coffeemaker to the stove. Behind him, the kitchen is already a mess.]
Ralph: And now, you put it in the cooking machine.
[Ralph puts the coffeemaker into the oven and sets the temperature to 500 degrees.]

[With the coffee attended to, Ralph next turns his attention to food.]
Ralph: [spying the toaster on the counter] Now I'll make some instant toaster waffles!
[He goes to the refrigerator, takes out a jug of milk and a dozen eggs, and puts them on the counter next to the toaster.]
Ralph: [singing] I am the egg man! I am the milkman! I am the waffle! Koo koo kachoo!
[Ralph pushes a chair up next to the counter and climbs onto the chair. With the ingredients assembled, he starts on his waffles.]
Ralph: First, you add milk... [He pours the jug of milk into the toaster's bread slots.]
Ralph: ... And then some Easter Bunny eggs ... [He cracks several eggs into the bread slots.]
[Ralph peers into the toaster to check the progress of the waffles thus far, and isn't pleased with what he sees.]
Ralph: Eww. My waffles are getting soggy in there. I need to add some flowers.
[Still standing on the chair, Ralph moves along the counter to the flour canister and reaches for it. Just as he touches the canister, he falls, spilling the canister and getting flour all over himself.]
Ralph: [enjoying the flour] Wheee! I'm fairy-dusted!
[Behind Ralph, smoke is pouring out of the oven.]
Ralph: [smelling the coffee] Mmm ... smell that fresh roasted coffee! [Smoke starts filling the kitchen.]

[Ralph notices the eggs and flour on the floor.]
Ralph: Uh-oh. I made a mess! Daddy will be mad. This looks like a job for my friend, Mighty Mop!
[Ralph goes into the broom closet and gets the mop.]
Ralph: [to the mop] Gee, your hair smells terrific!
[Ralph starts mopping in the kitchen. Smoke keeps pouring from the oven and now starts coming from the toaster.]
Ralph: Tra la la. I feel like I'm in a movie and soon I'll turn into a beautiful princess!
[As Ralph mops, the eggs and flour mix together into a sticky mass that gets stuck all over the mop's strands.]
Ralph: Oh, just look at yourself, Mighty Mop! You need a shampoo! [running to the bathroom] I'll give you a special swirly shampoo, like the ones I get from my friends at school!
[Ralph puts the mop in the toilet and flushes. The toilet clogs and overflows.]
Ralph: Uh-oh. Mighty Mop is wetting himself! He needs to put on a pair of my "I'm a Big Boy Now" diapers. [He leaves the bathroom and heads for his bedroom.]
[Water keeps pouring from the toilet bowl. The smoke from the kitchen has now spread to several rooms, and smoke alarms go off throughout the house.]
Ralph: Don't be alarmed, Mr. Smokey Detector! It's just me ... Ralph!

[As the water from the toilet spreads from the bathroom, Ralph walks into his room.]
Ralph: I forgot what I came in here for. [The box of diapers is visible on top of the dresser, but right next to it is a toy boat, which Ralph spots first.]
Ralph: [gleefully] Toy boat! Toy boat! Toy boat! [He sails the boat in the water, which is now ankle-deep, and starts singing.] Sailing, sailing, over the pounding brain!
[A pounding noise comes from the front door.]
Ralph: I think someone's knocking at the front door!
[An axe is seen smashing through the door. Ralph arrives just in time to see a fireman with a fire axe standing in the doorway.]
Ralph: [lecturing the fireman] Bad man! You broke and entered! Daddy's gonna put you in the jailhouse!

[The scene shifts to outside. The fire has spread to upstairs. Three firemen try to put it out, while a fourth gives Clancy a dirty look.]
Ralph: [sitting on the fire engine] I made coffee and toaster waffles for everyone!
Clancy: I can't understand it! I only went out to the driveway to get the newspaper!