Ralph Learns a Lesson/Quotes
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- Ralph Wiggum: I'm the Comic Book Guy!
- Comic Book Guy: No! I am the Comic Book Guy! Kindly bring those comics inside if you wish to sell them, as your father indicated on the phone.
- Comic Book Guy: I see you've never been introduced to bags and boards.
- Ralph: Hello Bags 'N' Boards! I'm Ralph!
- Comic Book Guy: Tragically, these comics range in grade from "poor" to "very poor". I know this because I have every "Soothboy's Guide to Comics" committed to memory. For example, this "Lard Lad" has all its crossword puzzles filled in incorrectly. I found what appears to be a booger between the pages of the "Jimmy Dean" comic. And "Tub Time" is severely water damaged. I'll give you, uh, forty five, fifty, eighteen dollars for the whole stack.
- Ralph: Thank you, Santa Claus!
- Jimbo Jones: It's cool that you sold those junky old comics to the comic book dude.
- Ralph: His belly made funny noises!
- Jimbo: Cool! He gave you nineteen dollars for your comics.
- Ralph: No, he ave me eighteen dollars.
- Jimbo: I'm pretty sure it was nineteen dollars, man.
- Ralph: No, eighteen dollars.
- Jimbo: I've got an idea. let's count it!
- Ralph: I always have to sit down to count! One. one. and a half... three. oh wait, who... um, upside-down nine....
- Jimbo: No, dude! That's not how you do it. It's too hard to count money on the sidewalk. Tell you what, I'll take your money home and count it there. Then I'll come right back. You wait here.
- Ralph: Daddy says I'm a real good waiter!
- Ralph: I know you. You're in my class now. Miss Hoover says you're "demoted."
- Kearney Zzyzwicz: How'd you like your head demoted into your neck, shrimp?
- Ralph: I'm looking for Jumbo. He has my eighteen dollars.
- Kearney: You mean "Jimbo". He's hanging around town somewhere.
- Ralph: But, I can't go hanging top find him! I need yo turn in my important report to Miss Hoover.
- Kearney: Listen, kid, I'll give your report to miss Hoover, sou can look for Jimbo.
- Ralph: Okay, Colonel!
- Chief Wiggum: Just look at all these complaints I got about you today, Ralphie! Hysterical rampage... several. "liar, liar, pants on fire" outbursts... not to mention disturbing the peace at The Gilded Truffle, the Springfield Retirement Home, and the Kwik-E-Mart! What am I gonna do with you, Ralph? You must be punished for his.
- Ralph: Daddy, you smell like Bunny Breath!
- Chief Wiggum: Heh! Oh, Ralphie, I can't stay mad at you, even if you did lose all that money! Remind me after soccer practice tomorrow, and I'll give you eighteen or nineteen.
