Homer on the Range: The Kwik-E and the Dead!/Quotes
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- Grampa: Kids today get too much violence from TV and movies. Back in my day it was right outside your window, and you could experience it on a nice summer day. But that was a time when justice rode a horse named Violence. No, I don't think justice had a horse back then, he couldn't afford it. Even though life was cheaper; you could get a sarsaparilla for a penny at the old dry goods store. It reminds me of a story...
- Moe Szyslak: Hey, Sheriff, I heard Old Monty's gonna put a hole straight thru that badge there for lettin' the Kwik-E fella set up a shop here in town.
- Sheriff Wiggum: Well, ah, hey, there, mister, interested in a card game?
- Homer: I just wanted a drink.
- Sheriff Wiggum: If you play, I'll fix you up with a beer and Margerie.
- Man: Yeah, yeah, and Margerie, too.
- Homer: I like the sound of that... beer.
- Grampa: [narrating] Burns owned only half the town in those days. Carbon Joe Quimby owned the other half, but he folded up and sold off the very land on which we sit. Anyway, there was that one fella, Wahoo or some such name, who opened the Kwik-E Dry Goods Store, even though Burns ordered the sheriff not to let any new business in town. Burns wanted to gun down the sheriff for lettin' the Indian hang his shingle. The Kwik-E did real nice, too. It sold flavored ice-slush, pickled eggs, and funnel cake. The old sheriff sure liked that funnel cake. Anyhow, so the sheriff talked this stranger into a card game...
- Homer: Hah! I was bluffing! I beat you all, woohoo!
- Wiggum: Yup, you sure fooled us... sheriff!
- Homer: I'm number one! I'm number...
- Everyone: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
- Homer: I don't get it.
- Margerie: Well, I think he means that whoever owns the badge is the sheriff of Springfield.
- Homer: Do I get a gun?
- Margerie: Well, I guess...
- Homer: Woohoo!
- Apu: My friend new sheriff, I will be giving you this gun to protect first my store and then the town.
- Sheriff Homer: Why, thank you, Chief, er -- I mean, thank you, my Native-American friend.
- Apu: Why does no one listen?... I am not that kind of Indian.
- Montgomery Burns: Okay, lawman, draw on the count of three. One, three!
- [Burns shoots Homer]
- Montgomery Burns: Hah hah! I plugged him full of hot lead!
- Smitty: You forgot to say two, sir.
- Montgomery Burns: I forgot nothing! I didn't become the wealthiest oil baron in the West by honest and legitimate business tactics! I saw an advantage and I exploited it! It's the American way, Smitty.
- Grampa: [narrating] No one is really sure what happened next, and I don't even remember if I was actually there. In fact, I may not have even been alive yet. But, the citizens of Springfield found courage from the sacrifice of the new sheriff, even though he was dead. I think they were off their nuts. They should have let Burns take over the town. I bet there wouldn't be so many strip malls now if everyone had caved into Burns back then. But nooo, they had to rebel...
- Grampa: Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Stupid TV fills your mind with marbles. That reminds me of when they brought the Olympics to Springfield back in '23, or was that '32?... Hmmm, could've been tiddly-winks ...I guess.
