The Man of the House/Quotes

Quotes

Clancy: Daddy has to run out for just a minute, Ralphie. You're in charge 'til I get back. Okay?

Ralph: Yes, daddy!

Clancy: I won't be gone long, son.

Ralph: Okay, daddy!

[Ralph shuts the door]

Ralph: That makes me the man of the house. I'm just like daddy now, 'cept I'm smaller and my pants are wetter.

[Ralph locks the door]

Ralph: First, I must secure the perimeter.

[Ralph walks into the kitchen]

Ralph: Now, it's time for a man of the house meal! Okay, kitchen... I'm the boss of you now! That goes for you too, Mr. Fridgergator!

[Ralph walks to the coffee maker]

Ralph: I'll make a pot of coffee like the grown-up men drink!

[Ralph pours a vase with water and flowers inside]

Ralph: First you add water.

[Ralph pours coffee mix]

Ralph: Then, you add the coffee peanuts.

[Ralph pours pure sugar and milk]

Ralph: Daddy likes his coffee with cream and sugar!

[Ralph puts the coffee maker in the stove, as the kitchen is already a mess]

Ralph: And now, you put it in the cooking machine.

[Ralph turns it on 500 degrees]

Ralph: Now I'll make some instant toaster waffles!

Ralph: [singing] I am the egg man! I am the milkman! I am the waffle! Koo koo kachoo!

[Ralph pours in the milk]

Ralph: First, you add milk...

[Ralph then cracks eggs over the toaster]

Ralph: ... And then some easter bunny eggs... Eww. My waffles are getting soggy in there. I need to add some flowers.

[Ralph attempts to get flour, but falls and the flour is all over him]

Ralph: [enjoying the flour] Wheee! I'm fairy-dusted! :[smelling coffee] Mmm... smell that fresh roasted coffee! :[smoke fills the room]

[Ralph looks at the mess on the floor]

Ralph: Uh-oh. I made a mess! Daddy will be mad! This looks like a job for my friend, Mighty Mop!

[Ralph goes into the broom closet and picks it up]

Ralph: Gee, your hair smells terrific!

[Ralph starts mopping]

Ralph: Tra la la. I feel like I'm in a movie and soon I'll turn into a beautiful princess!

[The mop breaks and is all filled with water]

Ralph: Oh, just look at yourself, Mighty Mop! You need a shampoo! I'll give you a special swirly shampoo, like the ones I get from my friends at school!

[Ralph puts the mop in the toilet and starts flushing it]

Ralph: Uh-oh. Mighty mop is wetting himself. He needs to put on a pair of my "I'm a Big Boy Now" diapers.

[Smoke alarms go off throughout the house]

Ralph: Don't be alarmed, Mr. Smokey Detector! It's just me... Ralph!

[Ralph walks into his room, as water starts to fill from the toilet]

Ralph: I forgot why I came in here for. [looks at the toy boat and starts singing] Toy boat! Toy boat! Toy boat! Sailing, sailing, over the pounding brain!

[Someone knocks on the front door]

Ralph: I think someone's knocking at the front door!

[Someone smashes the front door with an axe]

Ralph: [looks at the fireman madly] Bad man! You broke and entered! Daddy's gonna put you in the jail house!

Ralph: [outside, as the firemen try to put out the fire] I made coffee and toaster waffles for everyone!

Clancy: I can't understand it! I only went out to the driveway to get the newspaper!