Goo Goo Gai Pan/Quotes

Quotes

Madam Wu: These are the world-famous Shaolin temple monks. They practice spiritual harmony through barefisted murder.
Homer: I hope you washed your hands first! (after a monk pulls out Homers heart then puts it back in)
Wagner: Let's give menopause a round of "men-applause". "Men-applause"? I'm not saying that! [The End]
Chinese sign: "Tian an men Square. On this site in 1989, nothing happened."
Fake Bart: Feast on my shorts, stupid father man!
Fake Bart: Don't have a cattle, dude!
Chinese Adoption Agent: The Chinese Government only allows wholesome married couples to adopt. No hen without cock. I apologize if that is a double entendre in your language. It is not in ours.
Note that the word for "hen" in Chinese can also mean "prostitute".
Selma: [To Ling while leaving for Springfield] We'll come back one day, when you're a spoiled American teenager.
Homer [looking in awe at the monument to General Chao, of chicken fame]: Wow. It makes the Lincoln memorial look like crap.
Chinese Dragons [dancing with each other in the sky while singing in a high Chinese style]: American jerks are going home... now we sleep for a thousand years... when we wake the world will end...
Madame Wu: Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese sister who will surpass you academically.
Lisa: I don't know. I'm considered pretty smart.
Madame Wu: Well, Tibet was considered pretty independent. How'd that work out?
Lisa: How dare you make light of that brutal... (Marge shuts her up)
Bart: What's menopause?
Homer: Well son, it's when the stork that brings babies gets shot by some drunken hunters.
Wu: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!
Homer: Wow, the Fortune cookies really are more accurate here. (Looks at fortune that says "We will take Selma's baby")
Burns: You know this baby once outraced the Flying Finn... Paavo Nurmi?
Chinese Adoption Agent: Okay. You are Mrs. Homer Simpson. He is your soulmate and lover.
Selma: Yes, Homer Simpson is my entire world. (pause) I love him.
(cut to the plant, where Homer is having lunch with Lenny and Carl)
Homer: (shivers) I just felt a chill go through my very soul.
Lenny: Yup, the Sloppy Joes here will do that.
Homer: Oh, you're curing me with acupuncture.
Doctor: Oh, no. A porcupine got in while you were asleep. (to porcupine) Shoo! Shoo! Come back in year of porcupine, which means never!
Master of Ceremony: I regret to inform you that our final stunt will not be performed, our star acrobat had an onset of outspoken-ness and suffered a bullet-related death.
Audience Member 1: This is most disillusioning!
Audience Member 2: It seems our leaders are not all knowing!
Audience Member 3: Now I will question everything! Why doesn't Pearl Jam ever come here?
Wu: Homer, only you can prevent this riot and save our beloved communist dictatorship.
Homer (shocked): You guys are commies? Then why am I seeing rudimentary free markets?
Wu: Just shut up and do the act!
(when the Simpsons and Selma are on the plane and Homer looks out the window)
Chinese Dragon: Hello Homer, give me your peanuts and you can fly on my back.
Homer: I'll give you...one!
Chinese Dragon: Ooh, you are a very greedy man. The other dragons shall hear of this.(flies away)
Homer: Hey, dragon! You fly like a girl!
Wu: (to Selma) You may keep your baby. (points to Homer) But, you! Put the panda down!
Homer: (forcing the baby panda into his bag) Aww, but he loves me! (panda bites Homer's hand) Ow! Why you little-(strangles panda, then a larger panda, presumably the panda's mother, strangles Homer)
Homer: And this is Marge, our surprisingly hot nanny...
Marge: (giggles) Why thank you, Mr. Simpson.
Homer: You're welcome Miss... (looks at Madame Wu) October. But don't look at her passport. It's different!
Homer: (speaking to Mao Zedong's body as though it was a cute baby) Awww... he looks just like a little baby that killed 60 million people. Who's a little dictator? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
Selma: May I speak to you, bureaucrat to bureaucrat?
Madame Wu: Yes, but first you must sign this form. Initial here. And here. And now we must find a notary.
Chinese Soldier: Hehehe. This is Wang Po's time to shine.
Lisa (after spray painting Homer): You look just like a Buddha statue. Now, all you need is an expression of utter serenity.
(Homer makes a face similar to when he is about to strangle Bart)
Marge: Just think about the time you found that junior mint in your belly button.
(Homer makes a more appropriate expression. Lisa rings the Adoption Agency's doorbell and they run off. Two Chinese Soldiers exit and look at Homer)
Soldier 1: A Buddha statue?! We cannot leave it outside! It is bad feng shui!
Soldier 2: Feng shui? I thought that was just an excuse to sell crappy end tables to the West.
Soldier 1: Just stick this hook in his nostril and pull.
(Homer has a very nervous look as they insert the hook. As they drag him, he begins to scream and when the soldiers look at him, he is normal. He is able to calmly hold his pain as they continue to drag him)
Soldier 1: I've never moved a Buddha this heavy!
Soldier 2: Let's cut him in chunks and worship the chunks.