Heinous Funnies: Kill 'Er Up With Regular
Heinous Funnies: Kill 'Er Up With Regular
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Comic Story information
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Heinous Funnies: Kill 'Er Up With Regular is a Simpsons Comics story first printed in Simpsons Comics #15.
Synopsis[edit]
In an historical cartoon set in 1933, Scratchy owns a filling station and Itchy is his employee. Mayhem ensues when a cute cat customer comes to the station and they both want to help her.
Plot[edit]
Scratchy's Service Station and Lunch Counter is located in a remote desert setting (the local plant life consists of sagebrush, cacti and dry grass) at the bottom of a long hill. A car with a cat driver at the wheel, steam shooting from its radiator and smoke pouring out the back makes its way down the hill, its engine wheezing and sputtering and making all kinds of noises.
Inside the service station, Itchy is sitting reading a Mousequire magazine with his feet propped up on a desk. Scratchy angrily tells him to get back to work, and Itchy responds defiantly by giving Scratchy a razzberry. Just then, the cat's car sputters to a stop next to the gas pumps and honks its horn. Itchy and Scratchy look outside and see the driver step out of the car, revealing herself to be a beautiful female cat who bears a strong resemblance to Betty Boop.
Scratchy is instantly smitten with the cat customer and makes a dash for the station's front door to go wait on her. An idea occurs to Itchy, however, and he slams the station's front door shut in front of Scratchy. Instead of running out through the open doorway, Scratchy ends up colliding full speed with the door's glass panel, smashing it to pieces and getting glass shards embedded in himself from head to toe. With Scratchy thus delayed, Itchy goes outside, greets the customer and opens the hood of her car.
Scratchy is quick to catch up, however. He comes up behind Itchy, gives him a brief strangling and tosses him into the driver's seat of the customer's car. Scratchy then produces a wrench and starts working under the hood, reaching past the fan blades to work on the engine. Itchy, meanwhile, is still in the driver's seat. He finds the ignition key, and another idea occurs to him. He inserts the key into the ignition and turns it, and the engine roars instantly to life. Under the hood, the fan starts spinning, and the blades slice off Scratchy's hands.
Screaming and crying in pain, Scratchy crawls to the front of the car as Itchy jumps out. Itchy sees the station's air pump and gets another idea. He jams the nozzle into Scratchy's ear, knots Scratchy's bow tie around his neck, and turns the pump's crank, which starts the air flowing. Scratchy's head swells to enormous proportions as the pressure inside increases to 985 pounds, according to the meter on the pump. Itchy then produces a pin and pokes Scratchy's head. It explodes like a popped balloon, leaving only Scratchy's skull at the top of his neck. Itchy laughs evilly at the sight.
Itchy pops Scratchy's skull off and puts a large bomb in its place, then ties Scratchy's body to a gas pump along with several sticks of dynamite. He lights the fuse of the large bomb, grabs the cat customer by the hand, and drags her to the car. As the fuse burns shorter, Itchy and the cat customer zoom away from the station, with Itchy driving and the customer in the passenger seat.
The bomb blows up, resulting in a huge explosion which blows the service station to kingdom come and sends Scratchy flying high into the air. The scene shifts to the service station's billboard sign, which encourages people to "Drop in for a scaulding hot cup of coffee!" and actually has a giant boiling hot cup of coffee on top. Scratchy lands in the coffee and screams, just as Itchy and the cat customer drive by the sign. Itchy has one more laugh at Scratchy and drives off into the distance with the cat customer.
Reprints[edit]
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