Selma's Choice/Quotes
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Troy McClure: Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore!
Homer: Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
Bart and Lisa: We're under six.
Homer: And I'm a college student!
Marge: Kids, I have some bad news. I'm afraid your great-aunt Gladys has... passed on.
Bart: Gladys, Gladys... big puffy hair, about yea high, big dent in forehead?
Marge: No... Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
Bart: [thinks for a moment; then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.
Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day.
Lisa: I understand.
Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.
Homer (whining): But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
Marge: Homer, quit pouting.
Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.
Bart & Homer: On top of Spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball...
Marge: If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral!
Homer: Ding-dong the witch is dead..
Bart: Which old witch?
Homer: The wicked witch!
Marge: Homer!
Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: Wha--? D'oh!
Homer: Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. [hugs them]
Selma: He's hugging us. What do we do?
Patty: Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.
Selma: Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.
(at Aunt Gladys' funeral, Lisa goes up to the casket)
Lisa: Goodbye Great Aunt Gladys. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better.
Bart: (in a raspy voice from behind the casket) Don't worry about it.
(Lisa runs away screaming; Bart laughs)
Lionel Hutz: Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?
Aunt Gladys: I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and...[Homer fast-forwards the tape]
Marge: Homer!
Homer: All in favor of skipping the poem? [everyone but Marge raises their hands] Thank you. [continues fast-forwarding]
Aunt Gladys: Now let's get down to business. (Voice changes to Lionel Hutz) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
Marge: MR. HUTZ!
Lionel Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would!
Aunt Gladys: Gladys: To Marge, I leave my potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here: Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right down to Jay Leno. These chips were my children. Marjorie, take special care of them.
Homer: [eats the chips, and looks at them] Uh oh. [continues to eat them]
Aunt Gladys: To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet Iguana, Jub-Jub.
Mrs. Bouvier: Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?
Selma: Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives.
Patty: Don't worry. We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow.
[after a poor date with Hans Moleman]
Selma: Get out of my car. [drives off]
Hans Moleman: This isn't my house.
Marge: Selma! You're back from your date already?
Selma: Yeah. I was so upset I ate a jar of expired olives. [sighs] I guess I'll never have a baby.
Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may seem a little presumptious, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: [laughs] I don't know. You gotta be pretty lame to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers in his ear] I knew that.
Marge: "101 Frozen Pops." [turns the page] A Nobel Prize Winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the Sweathogs.
Selma: I checked. It's not Horshack.
Bart [after seeing Homer extremely sick in bed]: Oh, man, Dad's dead.
Marge [to Selma]: I want to thank you for taking care of the kids on such short notice.
Selma: We'll have fun, won't we kids?
Bart: To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself.
Selma: That's the spirit.
Lisa: [reading from the pamphlet] The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. 22 immigrant laborers died during its construction.
Selma: Eh, there's plenty more where that came from.
Abe Lincoln Robot: Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed refreshing drink from hops and barley. [drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say, if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! [crushes a beer can on his head]
Lisa: This is a disgrace.
Selma: Hey, if it's this bad, it has to be educational.
Bart: [reading] "Beer Goggles: See life through the eyes of a drunk." [puts them on; Selma becomes a foxy lady]
Selma: You're charming the pants off of me.
Bart: [removes his glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma?
Selma: I said take off those damn glasses!
Marge: [to Homer] You know, I rented another movie, in case you felt better. [hands it to him]
Homer: "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules".
Marge: With Norman Fell as Zeus.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Selma: Don't blame these kids, it's not their fault. I think their father's missing a chromosome.
Officer [with Lisa, who is covered with a towel and acting jittery]: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
Lisa: [raises her arms] I am the Lizard Queen!
Homer: Come to Homercles!
Marge: [laughs] I can't! The beans will burn!
Homer: Homercles cares not for beans! [lifts up Marge on her shoulder]
Homer: Hi, kids, how was Duff Gardens?
Lisa: Can't talk, coming down. [takes some pills]
Selma: Oh, Jub-Jub.
Patty: When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.
